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I'm just really sad. I know that I won't have him to spend the holidays with. I won't have him to decorate for Christmas. I don't have the home I loved anymore. But she does and her children do and they are now a family and they have each other.
I just want to be strong. I just want to be all independent and not let it bother me. But I am just too scared. Everyone says he was a piece of crap but after what his brother told my friend STBX says I'm the piece of **** but I really did love him. I really did try, or at least I think I did. I made mistakes and I know I deserve the pain but I can't honestly say that I would have left he he told me what all he had did. I would have probably stayed anyway and still worked on our marriage. I wanted a family and I wanted a home, and now I don't have anything. I just wanted to be Susie Homemaker but it wasn't good enough (even though I read Cosmo and even did some of the monthly "65 Ways to Wow Him"). I just hurt and I am so tired of hurting because he in my mind was like my protector and I've had a lot of stuff going on and I've had to do it alone (well, my mom and dad have been here) but my husband was ALWAYS the one I would call and he would take care of my problem and fix it. I am so scared and I am so sad and I am so alone and all I want to do is feel better.
I know he is planning something big for the next court hearing and/or the divorce hearing and I feel like I'm losing my mind because I had a good idea of everything he was going to do before but now I don't have a clue what he's doing (his friend James just recently changed his address to STBX's address and STBX's girlfriend had listed the subdivision as her current home) and my mother thinks now STBX is going to try and say all this that has been going on was all his friends doings because they all lived there too. I just don't understand and I wish I did. I would just give anything to go back and him tell me what he was so unhappy about and tell me if I could fix it or not because I would have spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy and trying to make it work because I feel like that would have been better than being alone, no family of my own, no home of my own. I just hurt and I wish it would all stop and I wish I could just be ok because I don't understand anything and it hasn't gotten better and I just don't want to be here anymore.
Brandie, first of all, you are torturing yourself! Don't do that! You need to work on yourself and learn how to "fix things" yourself so that no one will ever be able to put you in this position of feeling like nothing will ever be right again. You're mourning your life with him and your dreams and that's to be expected. When you mourn the loss of you--that's not. YOU are still here and still have value. Learn to rely on yourself because you are the ONLY person who will NEVER leave you for the rest of your life. By following their lives on facebook or whatever, you're giving them the power to make your life miserable. THEY get to decide what your mood is going to be based on new entries they make on their own pages. Of course you're going to be sad for a while and there are going to be days that are worse and days that are better and slowly, you begin to realise the good days are outnumbering the bad days and soon after that the bad days will disappear. Right now, my strongest advice is to get some therapy. You've got to start seeing that your own life has value and purpose and a bright future. You deserve that!