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Hey ladies, I'm not new to JM. Nor am I knew to the feelings I'm experiencing. But this time things are different. When my husband and I got married, he was wonderful and supportive. But then things changed. Now I think he still loves me, but he is doing everything to push me away. I won't talk about the distant past, but I will talk about the things he has said and done to me since we found I was pregnant. 3-2 I took a pregnancy test, because I was going to call my doc to get a Birth Control prescription, because things we kind of falling apart. I had finally realized that he was only trying to make me happy. Turns out I was right, he said as much like 2 weeks later. After screaming at me I hope you lose the baby I want a divorce. A week later he compares me to a couple of people he knows I'm 100times better than, and tells me I'm not better than them. The night after I was like I want to fix "us", I'm giving you back my heart. I had been keeping it safe, because I couldn't trust him not to break it! We've always had problems, but a lot of that comes from we are both very stubborn and hard-headed. Things had gotten better for a while, but now they are worse than ever. I told him over the weekend I'm not sure I love him anymore. What he says "Yes you do." And I was like I don't think I do. I think I stopped loving him from the moment he said I only wanted to have a baby because I thought you would be happy when you got pregnant because you would have what you want. Then he said the other things. I've been begging him to quit smoking and drinking, so we can have money to spend on the baby. Today I come home from school and he was gone to the liquor store. When I wound up in the ER with heavy bleeding last week, he actually got angry that I was going to have to be on bedrest. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. He doesn't listen when I'm being serious, and he ignores my pleas for his health! I'm looking for advice, because I know that i still care about him. And I think that I can love him again as I once did.
Welcome to the board. I'm Dani, the host here.
I'm so sorry you're going through such tough times when this should be the happiest time of your life! Without knowing the history, I'd say he is scared of the responsibilities that he doesn't feel ready for. It also sounds like he's feeling insecure and lashing out at you because of it. It's a sort of defense mechanism--if I can push you away, you can't hurt me. When two headstrong people are together, it's sometimes hard to break through that--especially if they're both feeling a little insecure. Telling him that you don't love him anymore fed into those insecurities of his and it's going to be hard to break through again. When someone you love tells you they don't love you, walls immediately go up--self protection mode. In order to get back to where you were before you said that, you've now got to break down those walls. Depending on how he is, that could be easy to do or it can be impossible or somewhere in between. Some people can never completely remove the walls once they've been hurt--I'm like that. We may take down more and more of it as time goes by but we will never remove those last few bricks. Other people are completely forgiving and once apologised to, will remove the walls completely and happily move on. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. Either way, it's probably going to take some time to undo the damage done by that and then more time to repair from where you were before. Obviously, if you were going to see your doctor about birth control, this was not a planned pregnancy. Was it something you had talked about and BOTH decided to wait on or was it that he didn't want a baby yet and you did? (based on what you said about him telling you he thought it would make you happy) Playing the Devil's advocate here--he doesn't want a baby and suddenly you turn up pregnant. Now you're asking HIM to give up smoking and drinking--things he hadn't planned on quitting--because of a baby that he didn't want to begin with. Then you turn around and tell him you don't love him anyway. See how he might be a little less than willing to work with you on your plan?
Sit him down when you're not in the middle of an argument and talk to him. You both have some healing to do and some crow to eat. Talk to him about how HE thinks you can get your marriage back on track and give him your input. Work TOGETHER! Put your headstrong attitudes away because this is real life and in real life NOBODY gets their way all the time and marriage is compromise. Right now you have both got to learn how to do that or the marriage can't last. The stresses that a new baby put on a marriage makes it difficult when you don't have problems. It's nearly impossible when you're already on shakey ground. Learn to lean on each other and nurture each other. You will find that once you have put aside your defenses--which being headstrong is one--you are much happier and if you can get this marriage turned around, it will be strong enough to endure anything! It's scary being vulnerable and allowing someone else to have a piece of your control. What you will find is that the love you thought had disappeared, was right there the whole time and it will come out stronger than ever because giving up that attitude brings trust and that's a very big part of marriage. Trust doesn't JUST mean that you know he won't cheat on you but that he can be trusted not to betray you in other ways--to say mean things to hurt your feelings, to keep your best interest in mind when making decisions and planning...things like that. Right now that trust has been damaged. Get it back and nurture it and help it grow.
I hope that helps. We're always here to listen and support you so if you need to just VENT, this is a good place to do so! LOL
In the past almost 3 years, I've been called every name in the book. Only in the last 6 months have there been physical episodes. I'm not one to sit back and be beaten on, so he's gotten hit back which snapped him back to reality! He knows good and well that I can call his mom, dad, brother, and step-dad(before he took a new job and moved) and that well he would be in major trouble. Did I mention granny, who practically raised him? I know that he was not raised that way, though he tries to say I don't see why there's any differencce between a man and woman. I did not tell him, the I don't think I love you anymore to hurt, I told him because I'm very close to saying screw it all, I'll do this by myself, I don't even want your money. I just want the hurting to stop.
This semester he has gone to school from 8-130 2 days a week. And he thinks that I'm supposed to cook supper every night, wash the clothes, and do my homework. On Mondays I usually am not home until after 8, Tuesday&Thursdays after 5, Wednesdays I'd have off, but not really that was observation, trip to my mom's to work on homework. Also he's still doing mostly basics and I'm in to my major's classes. I have one class that literally was enough to be the whole semester in homework. He has 12 hours, I have 17. OH and on Friday's I have 1 class. Today is my first day of finals. Now seeing all this do you think it's fair that all he has to do is keep the yard and do the dishes. Also he thinks its perfectly acceptable to sit on his butt and play video games on his days out of classes, and leave the kitchen totally destroyed to the point I have to help do the dishes so that I can cook supper! But he won't help me was the clothes, after I've sorted them so all he has to do is put a load in the washer, turn it on, add soap, and then put them in the dryer. NO matter how many times I've asked for help, but I'll help him with the dishes anytime he asks.
Now as for the pregnancy issue. He had said in March 2009 he wanted to try, and he came to me. I had quit asking because I was tired of the answer being no, and hurting over that. We had gotten married to try, and didn't for long because of several reasons. So we tried, but I had been on Birth Control Pills and my period completely disappeared. I had what I though was my period at the first of september, but it was actually a miscarriage. He said he wanted to try again, well my period completely disappeared, so I went to my OB/GYN to find out what was going on. I was prescibed Clomid, and unoffically diagnosed with PCOS. And we started actually trying, but something was different, I started feeling like he was only trying to make me happy. In Feb, after a second supposedly failed Clomid cycle I discussed with him about using some form of prevention. He wouldn't pull out or put on a condom, so I finally decided to take matters into my on hands and go back on Birth Control. So I took the test, and it was positive. And I was excited and I thought he was. I had talked to him about why he was trying, and directly asked him if he was trying just to make me happy, to which he answered no. Then one day while we were arguing he threw his comment in my face.
Now as for the smoking and drinking issue. After the miscarriage he promised me he would quit when I got pregnant again, because it was to much stress for me. Now he goes out and spends money on these things and then complains at me about how much money is in the bank account. The only things I've spent money on is food at school and at the grocery store, or picking up his stupid smokes, and gas, you know things you have to have to get by. My mom takes cares of our bills and such, because we are both currently full-time students.
As for talking. He won't listen or even take me seriously. I've talked until I'm blue in the face and it has gotten me no where. He had a wreck that flipped his car and he walked away completely unhurt, and he changed for a while. He was the man, I knew before we got married again. Then around Christmas time he changed back to who he had become, his dad made over. And what makes that so bad is he everything says he hates about his dad, he does and says to me. I've told him this his brother has told him this(he lived with us for a while).
When I had to go to the ER a week and half ago. He had the nerve to ask me if he could stay at home. I was like ummm no, and don't push it. Then when he heard I was going to have to be on bedrest for a little while, he expressed his anger about it on the way home. So needless to say I wound up not exactly following the doctor's orders. Because I've been begging for his help with the laundry and what does he do, plays his video games all day while I'm in class or gone working on homework.
He says my family is boring, won't go with me for most of the activities we have. But yet I HAVE to go with him to his family's stuff or he leave me for good. I finally got him out to my grandma's to meet that side of my family for the first time at Christmas.
Honestly I don't know right now if I even want to stay. He has changed in the past only to change back in a few days or weeks. He's told me on more than one occasion, he will intentionally say things to hurt me, just to get me to shut up: when I'm going off on him for something he knows he should've done to help. And right now I'm to scared of being hurt again and more to let him back in. I want to, but I can't my heart is tired of being broken. He's called me fat, a *itch, and any combination of that and stupid that you can think of. I only ever call him an ***** hole, and only when he's being one.
Last edited by MommyBeth; April 30th, 2010 at 08:55 AM.
Reason: stupid computer
I just want to say...dont stay because you think you can't make it with baby...lol...I have 5 kiddos, My ex left when #4 was 5 weeks old and then we made #5, 5 weeks after #4 was born!....ugh....
My divorce was final just last month, and we are doing well.
If you decide to go, do it for the right reasons and never out of fear. Pregnancy is an emotionally vulnerable state to be in to make decisions...but sometimes it can also wake us up to make better ones for our babies! Good luck!
You're in a very difficult situation that I can only see getting worse without some counseling. The abuse is only going to get worse as the stress level rises--and it WILL rise with a new baby! Do you really want your child being brought up in a home where insults and abuse are routine? And trust me I know exactly where you're coming from because I LIVED it for 22 years. My children grew up seeing mom and dad scream at each other as a form of communication. Do I feel guilt about that? You bet I do! I'd re-write history if I could but I can't so I focus on making the rest of their lives more "normal".
The thing to realise here is that you're not really fighting over who does the dishes or laundry. You're fighting because you're feeling taken for granted and emotionally abused. You're fighting because you both are leading stressful lives and instead of supporting each other, you're releasing it on each other. You both need to find constructive ways to release your frustrations and stresses and learn how to look to each other for support and comfort. You need to learn how to nurture each other. Having a baby is going to put incredible stresses on both of you--financial, sleep deprivation, time...babies are very demanding and they don't generally care that you have a final to study for. If you can't figure out a way to share those responsibilities when you're feeling the MOST stressed and neither of you really has time, you're going to feel like he is "dumping it all on you" and he's going to feel like you're "always complaining about every little thing". He needs to grow up and understand that there is a time to play games and a time to get things done and games HAVE TO WAIT til the duties are fulfilled! And from what you said, I think you and I are very much alike in that when we're angry and don't get the validation of feeling "heard" we re-state what we just said until we get a reaction. As a result, even though he isn't showing you that he heard you or agreeing with you, he hears it over and over and over until he just shuts down. I know how hard it is--BELIEVE ME! But just say it once and walk away. "You know the dishes aren't cleaned up yet and I can't make dinner until they are. Can you pause your game and take care of that while I relax for ten minutes and then I will make dinner" You're not griping at him for neglecting his duties, you're not taking over them and feeling put upon, you're not offering to help when he doesn't reciprocate and YOU get to sit down and relax while he gets HIS chores caught up. THEN he goes back to his game and you get to take care of dinner in a nice clean kitchen. If you don't introduce anger into it, he's more likely to take care of it and when he hears the exact same thing week after week, he may even surprise you and have it done before you get home! What the two of you are doing is not working so try something else.
I hope that helps!