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I am really sorry I haven't posted more often! I feel awful about that. Im trying to catch up...but will probably be limited to the weekends now.
I just finished the intense exam part of the quarter. That was for the first 5 weeks...the next 5 weeks is the externship....until the end of the quarter. (I daydream about the end of the quarter!) It's been so stressful...you have to pass the exam part with an 81% or better....I did better than that, of course...(I dont mean to write my own commercial, but dang, I worked HARD!)
So extern is on Monday...and I do 24-30 hours a week there...so, just like job-without the money. (Am I being cheated here, or WHAT? LOL J/k)
I am pretty emotional with the ex thing still...I still love him, but wont do that to myself ever again. Im pretty much waiting for the day that I dont love him. I still struggle because he was the man I made such a huge life changing commitment to......ugh...
I listen to him talk when he is frustrated with work. I realize that he is sick more and more every day...every week. I realize it's not my responsibility. I realize I dont have to do any of this. I dont have to listen. And I have really analyzed WHY I take the time to listen and its because I still care, adn because I still need answers. The day will come where I have all my answers just from listening and that will be all. We wont talk. And I will pray for him every day for the sake of these boys. Only this time, I know where my boundaries and responsibilities lie now. Before I probably would have went to down his chain and tooted the horn that their soldier needs help...blah blah blah....And I think it helps me to move forward the more I listen to him, because I dont want to live a life like that.....
He has been taped a few times...always failing. Never doing anything to care for himself to lose the weight. Not for himself, not for his boys, not for his unit...nothing-EVEN when being threatened to be chaptered out of the military??? There is no motivation to do anything. He acknowledges his depression, and does nothing. I do get nervous that the manipulative or depressive BEHAVIORS my sons will learn, but I can't borrow problems.
I do talk about some things about myself. Things like my goals and my successes and that I am generally happy now. It just seems that the happier and more successful I am in my life, it makes him more miserable. Maybe he realizes what he lost, maybe he doesn't, I am sooo close to not caring anymore...but its still there. I told him once that after all he had to say was negative after negative 'Misery loves company and you are alone on this one, my friend.' It's healthy to vent about things, sound off, etc....but there is a fine line between venting and being the most negative person. And negativity is something I dont want in my life. I dont want to be dragged down-He//, I have worked too hard to retrain my brain into positive thinking and recover from all of his choices that hurt my family so much. Just dont want to be around all that mess.
I still dont think a person like him should have a gun-especially when there's mentally instability and he talks all the time about losing it and shooting the place up. Major anger issues for sure.I realize that could be one's way of expressing their frustration, but I have also lived with the crazy $hit and seen it with my own, you know?
I do think I have finally have some answers just in listening to him rant and talk. I truly dont think he meant to have it go this far. I truly dont believe he meant to go spending on games things he wanted when I had just had the baby and there was no water. I think he is so sick that he doesn't really care about anything-himself included. And because of the severe depression, he finds things that 1)Provide some immediate gratification to make him feel good even if momentarily such as spending, pornography, video games, drinking, gambling, etc. 2) Whatever he can do to run from and escape feelings of failure, loneliness, stress, etc. And it does make me feel so sad to watch him do this to himself and self destruct, but at the same time, it's not my problem. Yes I have compassion, but I do not have a codependent relationship. Not anymore.
So the reason for my analyzing, is to remind myself why this will never work in the event that I get stuck on my family fantasies of 'together.' It helps me to close the door, the chapter, the book.....however slowly. It lessens the temptation to have that reminder of what I dont want in my life, I guess. Seems to be working for me for now, anyway. I do have a tough time watching him do this to himself. This is the kind of person I can see comitting suicide. I hate to even type that out, but it's the truth. This is also the kind of person I can see pulling a Columbine or losing it downrange. I wouldn't want him watching my back out there. I can't fix it, but God, how I desperately wish he would go get himself some help.
Anyway, all the babies are doing well. Staying here, though, has pretty much worn on everyone and so the time has really come to go soon. Still dont know where....exactly. Its a toss up between two states. I paid of majority of the bills from the house now, too. So Im sad that my share of the tax return is gone, but I am thankful that I had the money to pay off my debts, finally.
I tried to play some 'catch up' on some posts...I miss you all so very much! HUGS to all of you strong moms that are pregnant, scared,and alone without the father and wondering how you are doing to do it....there is a way, and you will find it! XOXOXOX
When I think back to how scared and lonely and timid you were just a year + ago, it amazes me that this is that same woman! You are such an incredible role model to women here who are going through exactly what you were going through just a short time ago. I know in my heart you're going to be just fine! It's so good to get these updates from time to time. I love seeing you grow and become who you were meant to be! Keep it up! You're doing great!
You are such a strong woman and I admire you so much because if my STBX called me and poured his heart out, I think I would fall for him again, even though I've tried to explain to myself that he will never be who he said he could be or even who he tried to project himself as. He will never be the man I knew because of all he has done but it hurts everyday to know that he doesn't want me and I'll know I won't ever get what most of you ladies talk about, the time when he calls and says he's sorry & even suggests getting back together.
I have been thinking the same thing you have about moving. I just want to be somewhere that no one knows my past or who I am And you've done such wonderful things with getting those bills paid and your internship! Very exciting.
Thanks to you both for the encouragement. Yea, it is weird to look back remember exactly how I felt at the beginning of the end (or the beginning of the beginning) however you want to look at it.
Bran, it's not you that he doesn't want, hon. He doesn't know what he wants. And maybe the day will come that he calls you and apologizes or wants to 'work on things' but you can't hold your breathe or count on it, because your life goes on. And if he does apologize, by the time he does, it's not going to matter to you anymore....you will probably be married with and having babies by then, anyway and be completely content with your life.