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So this weekend I went to Panama City Beach with my parents but I got my own room. It was for a motorcycle rally and they own motorcycles and I don't so I knew I'd have a lot of time to myself. That being so I booked a room that was beach front because I love the beach and that was something STBX never did for me was a long stay at the beach. So from the time I got there until the time I left I never closed my balcony door, just wanted to hear the waves as much as I could.
I enjoyed my time but since I was mainly alone a lot of the time I got sad, I had a very hard first night because I realized how simple it was to make me happy. My room didn't cost a whole lot but it meant to much to me and I realize how happy he could have made me but he just didn't choose to and I don't know why but it hurt just knowing he wouldn't do things that made me happy. I went to see my mom and dad but their group wasn't doing anything and I needed to get something to eat so I went ALONE to Margaritaville....and that is when it hit me. I was lame. I realized I didn't want to do this, I don't want to do this alone, putting aside what y'all already know I fear about not having a home again and having kids one day, I don't have anyone to do anything with. I don't have anyone to have fun with and it made me sad. I want that. I don't have any close friends and that upsets me too (but I have been in a 11 year relationship so in a way he was my best friend, even though apparently I wasn't his) and that made me sad. It had me wishing I had a friendship like on Sex and the City, a great group of friends.
My best friend is a little crazy and loves the bar scene and I'm not like that. My idea of fun is a nice dinner and movie, maybe some shopping, but someone who I can just go and sit on their couch and us watch a dvd & have a great time talking. I'm just a 'normal' person and I just feel so alone. My mother keeps telling me I'll meet people but I'm not seeing how. I don't want to go to these party clubs because come on, the guys there are looking for one thing and they're looking for the hot skinny girls and that's just not me. Then I feel like a loser even more! I'm the youngest girl where I work and get along ok with one girl, but she likes to be pretty ''active'' among the men who work with us (if you get my drift) and I'm not looking for that. So right now....I'm just bummed out but at least I know I'm looking for someone who I can have fun with, even doing the little things. It seems so weird now, getting ideas of what I hope to find in someone one day and I know deep down I won't. But I want to be with someone who I have fun with, go places with & do things and have a good time and maybe that will lead to something more but I know deep down I'm not going to meet anyone, especially to get married, have children, and have my dream life.
But on another note, I think I might try to go back to school in the fall. I am terrified of that because I already owe the school from when I dropped out over a year ago (my tuition got screwed up and I was saving that semester for the next one, then they told me that they did the accounting wrong and I owed for the current semester & I couldn't afford it so dropped) and since I have to use last years tax return I won't qualify for any financial aide but I'm hoping that the school might be able to adjust it since I have my preliminary divorce papers and I'm living alone & maybe they can exclude his income (?) then I need to pay off some credit cards so I can get a student loan if I can't get financial aid (since I know the cash settlement I asked for I won't get, I'm not even considering it in the equation). If all that goes through I'm still worried about my job, I work a crazy schedule, I alternate a month of nights and a month days, 12 hour days, working every other weekend and the schedule is a rotating schedule so I have a 2 week schedule so my days off aren't the same everyweek. But I am looking into trying to get on with the personnel board as an office assistant (which I am actually overqualified for) but then at least I would be able to go to school at night and I would have weekends to do my school work and I don't have that possibility now. It would be a huge pay cut but I have been out of school for 2 years and STBX always promised I would go back and he would pay for it (which he never did and more than likely will never have to do) but I know now if I don't do something soon, I'll give up.
I feel like once I have my degree (Business Management) I will have a lot of opportunities I can go for. I just have always wanted to be "somebody". I don't want to be an office worker for my 'career', I don't want to be a dispatcher as my 'career', I want to be like an executive in a company and I've always been fascinated by heavy equipment and I really want to try for this: Caterpillar: Corporate Intern Program It is a corporate internship program with Caterpillar Equipment. I have applied before and got shot down but this is something I *think* I want to do for like the rest of my life so I hope that maybe, somehow I can work toward it again. I didn't get it once before and almost gave up altogether because STBX said he wouldn't go with me because his family had a business here and he wasn't leaving. He talked me out of my pre-med because the med classes were all day classes and he said there would be no time for us to see each other and with such a hectic schedule it would be hard for us to ever have a family so I didn't do that either because if I changed to business then it would be valuable to their business and I could just work with them. yeah.....................that didn't happen so I'm back to hoping, hoping, hoping that I might can maybe, baby step my way to where I need to go.
Your on the right track, Bran. I can tell from your posts. Finding out what you like, what you dont, what you want, what you dont. Looking into school...all that. Your going to find you again and it wont be long.
Even though you were lonely and sad on your trip, taking time like that is a good thing....a healing thing. It opens up the door for realizations. I stay in a hotel once a month just for me.
You will meet new people. Start going to school and you will...Im not a party scene person either. It's just trouble and I'm getting too old for all that mess. lol!
And you are somebody....exactly where you are are at with who you are right now! Without the ex, without the children (YET), without school (YET). HUGS!
Move to OR or NV and we can go shopping and do fun things! You want kids? I got a few (like 5) you can borrow until you meet Mr. Right and have your own! Maybe you will change your mind about kids? J/K!
One day, you will turn around and things will suddenly fall into place. You may not even realize that's what is happening until it all "clicks". You'll make friends and meet people and there will be a guy...maybe he hangs out with the group and does things with all of you or maybe you see him around from time to time but never think about him "that way" and then one day, he'll ask you out. You'll say yes, wonder a hundred times if you should cancel but you'll go because you don't have anything else to do and you will have a great time! The rest will fall into place and all of this will become a distant memory. Now maybe it won't happen exactly like that but it WILL happen. And you'll have a bunch of kids who will drive you nuts and you will love every second of it! Well ok maybe not EVERY second...lol It will work out, I promise. Just keep doing what you're doing because believe it or not, you ARE healing and you are growing!
I think you have a wonderful new outlook! See, you are already starting to piece your life back together. It will only get better! Congrats on deciding to go back to school. I made the same decision a year ago, and am so glad I did! This week I'm finishing up my second semester in college, and it's given me so much more self confidence. I second you moving to NV! I'm all about dinner/talk/movie on the couch with a friend. It's good to see you feeling better. <3