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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
May 8th, 2010, 01:46 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Ok, so recently I started wondering what my position would be if I were actually asked out on a date. So silly I know, but I started thinking about it, (however premature) and I dont think I could go.

It has been a year and half since we called it quits....but divorce only final 2 months ago. I dont think I could go because Im not really over it all. How long does that take, really? I mean to get over something that you already know is done and has been for some time? Like when can I REALLY feel that I have moved on? I can 'move on' in my actions but my heart is taking its sweet time and is still a little stuck on stupid, you know?

Do you just know when you know? Or is it just the right person or time? Just really bugging me.......
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  #2  
May 8th, 2010, 07:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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It takes as long as it takes. No, I'm not brushing you off. (you know me better than that) Everyone is different. Some people--like me--are so "over it" by the time the ink is dry they are already "single". Others need a period of mourning and just as with a death, there is no time limit. And don't fool yourself...you are mourning. Even though you may not want to be married to the man anymore and you may even hate him or just feel apathetic toward him, you are mourning what you dreamed when you first met and married him. We all had dreams of what our lives would be like. We had dreams of family times and watching our children grow with the man who helped create them. We had dreams (or fears..lol) of growing old with someone and now those dreams are dead as far as that particular man is concerned. We need time to mourn the dreams and the time that was spent trying to save a dying marriage (or relationship if you were never married) and to close that chapter of our lives. Even me, where I literally hated the man and had DREAMED of getting rid of him for years...I still mourned those dreams that I had when we first got together. I was done with the marriage but I still worried that my dreams of someone better might never come true and I worried that no one could ever love me and...that I might never love anyone else. Those are all legitimate fears and losses for anyone. Unfounded fears but they are on everyone's mind at some point.
You and only you can know when you're ready. Don't sweat it. I was ready very early on. I wasn't ready to get into a relationship with anyone but I wanted to rejoin the living after being dead for 22 years. You may take more time to feel like going "out there" again. Don't rush it. You will know when the time is right. When it's right, go at your own pace. You may not want to open yourself up to someone else to quickly. I can't stress it enough--Go at your own pace. You have NO ONE to apologise to or to explain yourself to. Anyone pressuring you to move faster than you want to is NOT the right man for you because he isn't thinking of YOU, he is thinking of himself. We've all had enough of selfish jerks in our lives... hold out for the good ones! I PROMISE you they are out there waiting for you! I found mine and you can find yours too if you just take care of yourself. By that I mean #1 LISTEN TO THOSE RED FLAGS! When you hear, see or feel that something isn't right with this guy--DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK HIM! This is someone you are considering trusting with your heart, your children's hearts, your life (potentially) and...again potentially your children's lives. If you don't feel comfortable asking him why he said something or did something or to clarify what he meant by something then you have no business getting into a relationship with him! If he's a good guy, he is not going to be offended when you question him about something legitimate...if anything he will respect that you're not stupid and that you value yourself to be cautious with your heart and your children. #2 DON'T BE SELF SACRIFICING!!!! We women somehow get it in our minds that if we tell someone "No" he's going to dump us. If he does, GOOD RIDDANCE! You don't want someone like that in your life! #3 You know the old saying "A man marries a woman thinking she will never change and a woman marries a man thinking she can change him"? THINK about that. It's true! We don't complain about the things he does that irritate us until the deal is in the bag...done...signed and sealed! THEN we unleash this laundry list of "Why do you ALWAYS____???" and wonder why he suddenly becomes distant and the marriage falls apart. If he is doing something disrespectful, irritating, offensive while you're dating--TELL HIM! Don't put it on your TO DO list for after the wedding! That's unfair to him and it sets you up to fail. You have now not been honest with him and he feels like you "tricked" him into marrying you. You "changed" after you got married. See how that works out? And you're not going to change him...he has to want to change himself. He has to say "The woman I love is hurt/offended/angered/irritated/saddened/whatever by ____ and I want to change because I love her and I understand why she feels that way and I don't want her to feel like that." If you just keep nattering at him about it, he feels #1-you were fine with it before so you're just being a Bratioch and he may stop "just to shut you up" but that is going to build resentment and that resentment is going to fester and come out in other ways. He may withdraw from you...start going out with the boys...get angry and yell and fight...possibly seek comfort elsewhere with someone who doesn't natter (who will put on HER dating facade and act like all those things are fine--she thinks it's cute when he belches at the dinner table or holds her head under the covers to get the full effect of that chili dinner she made him. Now he's got confirmation that he isn't so bad...it must be YOU! You're just a complate bratioch. Can you see the patterns developing here? On both sides? Communication is the single most important aspect of a marriage or serious relationship. TALK TO EACH OTHER! It's scary, yes. It is hard opening up and becoming that vulnerable. You fear rejection. BUT, if you do that in the begining BEFORE your heart is wrapped around someone else's, if you're rejected it hurts a heII of a lot less than a year down the road AND you get the added benefit if you aren't rejected of having the foundation for a truly wonderful marriage based on mutual respect and complete trust. You CAN know in your heart that he will NEVER betray that trust or hurt you and he can be trusted to be there for the rest of your life.
I know I got a little off the thread here but it sounds like you're starting to think about dating again and I know you don't want to get hurt again.
Anyway, take your time. HUGS!!!!
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  #3  
May 8th, 2010, 10:02 AM
*Cheyenne*
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Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopenot4gotten View Post
Ok, so recently I started wondering what my position would be if I were actually asked out on a date. So silly I know, but I started thinking about it, (however premature) and I dont think I could go.

It has been a year and half since we called it quits....but divorce only final 2 months ago. I dont think I could go because Im not really over it all. How long does that take, really? I mean to get over something that you already know is done and has been for some time? Like when can I REALLY feel that I have moved on? I can 'move on' in my actions but my heart is taking its sweet time and is still a little stuck on stupid, you know?

Do you just know when you know? Or is it just the right person or time? Just really bugging me.......
You know what hon? I didn't see anyone for about a year and a half! My ex husband and I seperated in August 2006, and our divorce was finalized in October 2007, I started talking to a guy in October and I met him in December but nothing ever came of us, honestly we just fooled around but my heart wasn't in it with him because I wasn't completely over my ex, this situation went on for 7 months before I gave up on this guy and decided I was better off alone because he was just playing me and using me...When I met my "now" husband, I was unsure at that point to, and I rejected him once and even after rejecting him, my heart told me he was the right guy, and after some hard grounds that I hit, we made contact again in December 2008, and low and behold we got together in January (even moved in together) and we've been together ever since.

It takes time to heal, your heart will tell you when you are ready to move on! Don't rush yourself hon, that will only make things worse and harder for you to get over your ex! Keep your head up, things will come together!
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  #4  
May 8th, 2010, 10:08 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Well thinking about dating and what I would say if I were asked, yes, but not hoping to date right away. Does that even make sense?

I dont think I like the opposite sex very much, so it really wouldn't be right of me to date until I work that out, I guess. Dunno....I think if I tried to date right now, I wouldn't be very nice AT ALL. My attitude just isn't right. I wouldn't want to be hurt and would probably destroy anything (even if it was the right one) before the other person could hurt me or my kids. Very negative of me, I know. I know they aren't all jerks, but it sure still feels that way. Yea, totally not ready just from reading what I wrote....blah.....

Good input you gave, though. I just can't really seeing myself going because Im just not ready...but of course I think about it now and then.
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  #5  
May 8th, 2010, 10:56 AM
*Cheyenne*
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopenot4gotten View Post
Well thinking about dating and what I would say if I were asked, yes, but not hoping to date right away. Does that even make sense?

I dont think I like the opposite sex very much, so it really wouldn't be right of me to date until I work that out, I guess. Dunno....I think if I tried to date right now, I wouldn't be very nice AT ALL. My attitude just isn't right. I wouldn't want to be hurt and would probably destroy anything (even if it was the right one) before the other person could hurt me or my kids. Very negative of me, I know. I know they aren't all jerks, but it sure still feels that way. Yea, totally not ready just from reading what I wrote....blah.....

Good input you gave, though. I just can't really seeing myself going because Im just not ready...but of course I think about it now and then.
It makes sense hon, you're just not ready, there is nothing wrong with thinking about it from time to time, but if you're not ready, you're not ready. Trust me, I know how you feel, I was there once too, I didn't trust any guy and I knew if I got involved I'd probably ruin anything and everything that came of even a casual dating relationship, so I held off until my heart told me I was ready!
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