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Hello all. Ive been a member of JM for a little more than 5 years now I believe. I am almost 28 and have been married for almost 7 years now to Jarrod. He's in the Marine Corps and is currently on his 3rd deployment to the middle east.
Our spark is not there anymore. Its as simple as that. Ive never even thought about straying or being with another man until recently. And now when I think about it even, i get butterflies. I haven't had the butterflies in probably 3 or 4 years now. I love my husband, but I don't believe I am IN love with him anymore. We reside in NC. My entire family is back in the Chicago area so its really tough to not have their support while Im all the way out here.
I recently went home to visit my family and friends and I met up with my first love. I was with him in high school for a whopping 9 months or so, LOL....but he was the first "boy" I cared about. ive known all along that Ive loved him. he's been in my mind since I can remember. The butterflies came back when I saw him. I only got to see him for a half hour or so at a bar because he came to meet up and say hi, but still. THATS the way I need to be feeling with my spouse and Im not feeling that. I just don't know what I am gonna do.
I have a little less than 2 years of college under my belt which is nothing. I need to finish it. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years now....I quit work a little bit before Allie, my 4 year old was born. I don't know how Im going to support myself if I leave him. Thats about the only reason Im still in the picture.
Its ok to not know what your doing for sure! Mine was Army and he just up and left me....5 weeks postpartum and then got pregnant with #5 just 10 weeks later. He left us sitting on the shelf and wasn't filing for divorce so I had to do his dirty work...AGAIN. My divorce was final 2 months ago...
You know, I have no advice for you. It breaks my heart to see marriages torn apart due to just having 'no sparks', you know? But at the same time, I have been a military spouse and the distance can really tear up the bond...and you really do need to be happy in your life, too. I guess the military lifestyle really isn't in the business of keeping a marriage together.
I can tell you that if my greatest complaint in my marriage was that there was no spark, I would have been grateful!
Do you just want out? Or do you want the 'spark' back? Kinda hard to get it back if they aren't ever there, anyway...I know-and then to top it off, you meet up with an old flame...but remember that is exactly what they are...an old flame, kwim?
Would you be happier divorced or separated at least do you think you would? It's normal to want your needs met from your spouse and I dont think mil spouses have it that great all the time, you know? It's hard...and lonely....and it sucks!
I just want to encourage you to keep talking it out before you make a final decision...We are here for you! And if you do decide to go ahead and file for something, you will find a way to afford it, to make ends meet later, and be just fine. I did it and paid for the attorney with his temp support he was ordered to pay...he later reimbursed me for half of the cost....so remember you always have options.
Last edited by hopenot4gotten; May 8th, 2010 at 08:23 PM.
I agree with HOPE. If your only complaint is that you don't get butterflies, then that's what you need to work on. Couples tend to forget that marriage takes work. The better the marriage, the more work has been put into it. There are so many ways to put a spark back in your relationship but it does take the effort. I know it's hard when he's gone but there are still ways to build that anticipation and get those sparks back. When we meet someone who makes us feel all giddy inside, it's usually just the newness of it. It's the unknown...that sense of adventure...that tiny bit of danger in putting ourselves on the line again. By definition, that will end and then what? You better have something else to the relationship or you can't possibly remain happy in it. Your partner should be your very best friend. He should be the ONE PERSON you can trust 100% with anything and he should be the one you seek for comfort and to share in your joys. Without that, you are cheating yourself out of something wonderful. Marriage is like a roller coaster though and that's what so many of us tend to forget. You're going to have ups and downs--we're human. When you're riding on a high and everything is working right, cling to each other and grow your love. When you're hitting a low, that's when you pull out those feelings and remember how good that felt because that is what gets you through those times...thta plus good communication skills. I have a wonderful marriage with my husband Tom. We have mutual respect and trust and we still have low times. They're not as low as what I had with my ex but they are lows. They may be the norm for other marriages but in ours, they are lows. When those times come, sometimes all it takes to bring us out of them is for one or the other to simply ask "Are we OK? Are you OK? Is anything on your mind?". This is usually followed up with a discussion on what's going on with us and then it is over. That fast. Because we both value what we have enough to take good care of it and of each other and when we realize we have made the other one wonder what's wrong, we know we're making a mistake in how we are interacting (or not) with each other and we make that extra effort to get things back on track. We've been married for over 3 years and have never even had a disagreement. Not one cross word! My ex and I never had a day when we didn't fight. Literally.
It's normal to wonder about the grass on the other side of the hill but until you are certain that there is no hope for your marriage and you have exhausted every attempt to get things back on track, do yourself a favor and forget about it. Chances are very good that grass you see on the other side is artificial turf.
Hope that helps!