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It's 2am and still cant sleep even after a glass of wine....
I think I am having a rough time even with all I have going on my life right now. It helps to keep busy, but I just feel really stuck. I feel lonely, to be honest. I mean that I am really starting to miss the companionship....the good stuff, you know? My heart is still stuck. My head is going a million miles a minute and I cry just trying to type all this out. $hit, I miss him.
Maybe it's not him I miss, or maybe it is just the idea of it all? Maybe it who he was that I miss so much? I just want it all back the way it was....well not exactly...at least the way it was for the first three years. And now, moving out of state makes it that much more...um.....I dont even know the right words-final is not it. After the divorce, it was final. Moving makes it....um....further.
I feel so sad right now. I dont want to date for the long term, but could really use to go out with someone else. Again not for the long term because we already know Im not in the right mindset or heartset for that....but really. Just someone to go have fun with. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to laugh with someone else, cuddle up with someone else, hold hands with someone else, even smooch someone else. It's got to be a weird feeling. Sometimes, I think it would be good for me. Not towards anything serious, you know, just to see how it is? Am I even making sense?
I want to just forget about him. and perhaps I am soooo desperate to do that...I would go somewhere with d a m n near anyone right now. I know what I sound like right now....lol....and that's not what I mean. I dont want a relationship. I dont want one nighters. I just want to see how it would feel to spend time with someone other than him. He's the person I had spent the last 7 years of my life with....so it's strange. And awkward. And horrible.
I have 5 kids....FIVE. F-I-V-E! I thought about putting an ad in the paper....'must love kids and be infertile if serious about long term.' How does that sound? Seriously, I truly wonder if I will ever meet anyone once they know how many kids I have...Im wondering if I would be 80 before I can share my life with someone that I love. Really. I miss so much of married life. At the same time, I like it this way because no one can screw up my hard work, you know? No one has that power because I dont give that away. I do what I gotta do to do the best I can with these kids, and try to pick up from where I left off before I married him, and keep myself busy.
This just really stinks right now. I wish I had someone to cuddle up on the couch with, someone to hold my hand, someone to say hey 'Thanks for being such a great mother to my children.' Or 'Hey, thanks for being so strong for everyone else.' and just hug me. I want someone that will treat me like a . Anything. I dont ask for much, and it doesn't take much for me to be happy. Guess I'm just really lonely. Desperately lonely for that kind of relationship/companionship.
Awww sweetie, I know those feelings well. It's so hard being alone when you have been with someone for so long. It's especiallky hard when you have so much on your plate right now-kids, school, the idea of moving somewhere new. Keep in mind, you're still mourning those dreams. And yes, you're a normal, vibrant woman...you miss that closeness and intimacy that you shared. That's a tough one. You can keep yourself busy and exhaust yourself so that at the end of the day you don't have the energy to think about what's missing in your life but you still have "needs". Different people take care of that different ways...I'll leave that up to your imagination. I do however, strongly recommend that you take a day or two for yourself and do some things that make you happy. We tend to do things for our kids all the time and get our happiness from theirs. When you feel that void in your life, you need to do things for YOU and get your joy from that. Recharging the batteries so to speak. Right now you're getting it from all sides--work isn't the best it can be/home isn't the best it can be/social isn't the best it can be. My theory is if one of those parts of your life is bad, you can take it because you "lean" on the other parts for support. When they're all shaky, that's when you feel like there is nothing good in your life and you become depressed. Now, when the part that is bad is what you consider your biggest priority --for women it's usually family/home life-- it can sometimes push you into a depression by itself. Especially if work and social are just so-so. In your case it's pretty much all three that are less than optimal so of course you're going to be depressed and feeling like this! We know work is going to get better here when you're done with this part of your training/certification. Once you're not around all those backstabbers and complainers, that part of your life will improve. Your home life will improve eventually but for right now it is what it is. Your social life is the one place that you an make improvements so let's focus on that. Call a friend and set a lunch date/dinner date/movie date/shopping date...whatever it is you enjoy doing with them. Make a day of it if they can. Go do a full day of beauty--get a facial, hair cut/color/style, manicure, pedicure, etc. Buy yourself something that symbolizes the "new you". It doesn't have to be extravagant...it can be a $5 poster for that matter! It doesn't matter what it is as long as it says something to you about who you are and what you're working toward becoming. Sit down and make a list of all the accomplishments you have had over the past year and a half--there have been a LOT!!!! Add to that some short term goals and post it where you can see your progress. Another thing you might do is check and see if there are any "single's groups" in your area. I know we have several here in central Florida that get together once or twice a month for things like--going on gambling/dinner cruises, going horseback riding, going to a theme park, etc. It's a good way to meet new people and interact with men without that stress of a real "date".
I hope that helps and remember: We are always here for you.
I am proof that there are still men in the world who are more than willing to take on a family.
My SO has never been married, never had children and here I am tonight relaxing with a tea, all FOUR kids and my SO in bed for the night.
He took on a lot for a man who has not had the experience of living in the midst of insanity; and he is doing a great job. There will always be things to learn, and it's certainly not easy, but with love & respect, another day goes by together.
It'll happen when you're not looking and when you least expect it. I had prepared myself to being alone for life because I have 4 kids; I guess I was all prepared for nothing
I started online dating before my divorce was final. I found that it helped to know that men were interested in me, even if I wasn't in the mood to date. The idea of dating is one of the scariest things after being married. I don't have any kids. I had a stepdaughter and I had miscarried numerous times. I do however have a mountain of medical problems. I had stood sobbing and a mess in front of the ex one night asking him who would actually love me with all my medical issues. Who in their right mind would get involved with me when it almost certainly meant I would need them to take care of me in the future?
I know exactly what you are feeling. Trust me. I felt it just last week. I basically begged the ex to work things out because I wanted what we had (at one time). It isn't the answer.
I would suggest going online dating just to see what is out there. Try to see what men are out there that don't mind children. For me, it was a bit of an ego boost to find out I was attractive to someone else. I started dating several men. I have now been dating one man for 7 weeks and I'm happy. He wants me despite my weight, despite my depression, despite my other medical problems. It feels wonderful. Is he long term? Who knows. But he is here now.
Feel better. I know this is tough, but you are strong enough to make it through. Stay strong.