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mediator?


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
May 10th, 2010, 11:12 AM
amberrose22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So it's official. We are getting a divorce. We had a civalized conversation last Thursday night and he's just done. And there's no point in me fighting him, because when he has decided something there's no changing his mind. He's just not in love with me anymore.

Financially, we realize we can't afford to move until we can get the house sold. We are still friends, and plan on staying civil for Liberty's sake. We are even going to try and stay friends after all is said and done. We'll see how that goes.

But he's pretty sure we can do this with a mediator instead of lawyers to keep the cost down. He's pretty much willing to let me take most of our bigger material possessions since he knows I will have Liberty most of the time. But I'm afraid about coming to an agreement on her and her c/s.

Does anyone have any experience with using a mediator when children are involved. I know the mediator is normally a lawyer and therefore able to file the ppwk, but how does it work as far as deciding what the visitation rights are and c/s.

And a future question I have thought of... once divorced. What do you do if you and your ex cannot come to an agreement that has to do with the wellfare of the child. For example. If Dylan wanted to take Libby for a weekend stay out of the state on HIS weekend and I'm not comfortable, do I have to suck it up b/c it's his weekend? Or can I stop it since he's wanting to take her out of state? How would I stop it? Do I have to call the lawyer who mediated us or call the cops or what?

Thanks girls!
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  #2  
May 10th, 2010, 11:26 AM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
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If you are going to try to do this with a mediator, put down all those thoughts, everything, and try to come to an agreement that is reasonable. For example, the out of state stuff you want to have something like reasonable notice, or requesting permission - basically you want to see is as 'if I want to do this, what should I rightfully do where the child is concerned'
As for child support - find out what it is based on in your state (that info is usually available online) and you can base it from that information and ensure you include any new calculations that are needed around tax time for example.

You should try to consider everything before going to mediation, that includes medical, dental, educational, travelling, primary custody, insurance, child support, college, co-pays - the list can be pretty endless, which is why you should sit down and make one yourself and start there.

Also, if you come to an agreement, you will want to make sure that it's binding, so ask about having the agreement turned into a court order - this way all that you have done is not for nothing and it's a legally binding agreement.

Hope that helps.
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  #3  
May 10th, 2010, 02:14 PM
*Cheyenne*
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First off, I'm very sorry to hear that the decision has come down to getting a divorce.
Quote:
Originally Posted by amberrose22 View Post
Does anyone have any experience with using a mediator when children are involved. I know the mediator is normally a lawyer and therefore able to file the ppwk, but how does it work as far as deciding what the visitation rights are and c/s.
I have never had experience with a mediator, but I do know that in the state of Iowa (which is also where you live correct?) that whether you have a lawyer, or mediator (which is often a lawyer) all paperwork will have to be approved by the courts, so basically, even if you settle out of court, a judge still has to grant the divorce in order for you to be officially divorced and recieve a divorce decree. Generally in divorce hearings a judge will ask you how much you make a year, and how much your spouse soon to be ex-spouse makes a year and will determine childsupport and medical expenses off of that, he will give you a percentage of what you'd have to pay for your childs medical expenses and what your spouse would have to pay for medical expenses, in my divorce I was ordered to pay 40% of Emory's medical bills and my ex husband was ordered to pay the remaining percentage which was 60%, now of course that could be different in your case, it all goes based off what you and spouse make. Custody of the child will be decided also, could be "joint legal custody" where you have "primary physical custody" with visitations granted to your spouse, (which is usually how it goes in the state of Iowa) but these are all things you should discuss with a mediator as well to get a better ideal of how this will play out. Keep in mind that most likely you will be required to take the "Children in the Middle" class as well, this is a required class in the state of Iowa in a divorce if their are children involved.

Quote:
And a future question I have thought of... once divorced. What do you do if you and your ex cannot come to an agreement that has to do with the wellfare of the child. For example. If Dylan wanted to take Libby for a weekend stay out of the state on HIS weekend and I'm not comfortable, do I have to suck it up b/c it's his weekend? Or can I stop it since he's wanting to take her out of state? How would I stop it? Do I have to call the lawyer who mediated us or call the cops or what?
As far as coming to an agreement that has to do with the welfare of the child, that is up to the judge really, and if your spouse fails to meet the requirements of the agreement/divorce decree, he would be in fault of the courts, and could face penalty, but leave that up to the judge/courts to decide.
As far as taking the child out of state on HIS weekend, that should be something you speak with the mediator or judge about, and express that you do not feel comfortable with your child being taken out of state, if it is in the divorce decree that he can NOT take your child out of state, then he can not take her out of state, he would have to abide by what is in the divorce decree, NOW if he does take her out of state, with your permission, but does not return her when his weekend is over, you should be able to phone the police, (most times you'll have to show them your divorce decree to prove you have primary physical custody) and then they will proceed with getting your child back. So make sure you keep your divorce decree once you get it, it is a very vital document that you do not ever want to lose! However, if it is not in the decree that you do not with to have your ex take your daughter out of state, and he does it, there is NOTHING you can do, it is his weekend, and as long as she is returned to your custody on the given day of return, there is nothing the police will do either, because he is her father!

I hope I've provided some helpful information to you hon, and goodluck in your proceedings of divorce. Keep your head up!
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  #4  
May 10th, 2010, 02:28 PM
mousemomof3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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going to follow this thread closely to for advice cause I am going through the same thing as well. Hope he helps me fix up the house quicker so we can put it on the morket
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