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  #1  
May 10th, 2010, 11:18 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Should there be a red flag when DH refuse to see a therapist with me? he thinks it's a waste of time and money.
For the past year he refused to see one with me so I went ahead and worked with therapist since last Sept and stopped last march due to busy schedule... and there was 2 times i missed appt with therapist and i got charged... dh said see what i mean about therapist they are waste of money and time. oh yeah he did see therapist with me ONCE in end of Feb... that's it.
first of all my insurance covers the session so it's really "free" to us so why can't he see therapist with me?
Is there any hope? I don't feel like he is working hard on the marriage.
whenever we get into argument, he tend to call me *itch. I remind him that upsets me he calls me that.

I just want out. I don't feel good when it seems like vicious cycle keeps going back and forth. I feel sick every day and I don't know how to talk to him about my feelings. I did share few weeks ago about my feelings and wanted a break. he said he was upset.. I was like I'm being honest.

I don't know what to do anymore. If he won't see therapist, then how can our marriage improve?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????
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  #2  
May 11th, 2010, 04:32 AM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,546
No-one can tell you what you should do, only you can make that decision, but here's what my brain did...

Do you dread going home knowing he is there?
Do you dread buying something for yourself because you know he will have a fit?
Do you avoid going places because he is always asking where you are going or what you will be doing?
Does he shoot down all the things that make you happy deeming them stupid, a waste of time, or a waste of money?
When you know he won't be around, do you unconsciously breath a sigh of relief and feel better even for a split second?

If that all sounds familiar, it's time to move on & take back your life. I know all those feelings, and when my ex finally moved out, the relief was incredible.
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  #3  
May 11th, 2010, 05:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
It takes two to make a marriage work. If he isn't willing to work on it, he is in essense telling you it isn't worth it to him. Perhaps once he sees he is about to lose everything he will come around but you have to take care of yourself and if you're miserable, then you should consider your options. What would make you happy right now? Like KrazE said, if you feel all those things...you already know your answer.
Hope that helps!
HUGS!
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  #4  
May 11th, 2010, 11:20 AM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Do you dread going home knowing he is there?
Yes most of the times.

Do you dread buying something for yourself because you know he will have a fit?

We have cash allowance and we are allowed to spend whatever we have in our wallet as our allowance. I respect our budget. However, he has been the one who take care of the bills and I have no clue how much money we have in bank. AT times he'd be late paying some bills. We argue over money sometime.

Do you avoid going places because he is always asking where you are going or what you will be doing?
He actually lets me go to places without question and he doesn't ask me what I'll be doing. In the past month, I went out with my sorority sisters and just be ME... and I had a lot of fun! He never questioned me.

Does he shoot down all the things that make you happy deeming them stupid, a waste of time, or a waste of money?

When it comes to therapy, yes he gets pissy. If I want to do something he'd be like ehhh ... if poker comes in mind, he is all for it and ask me if he could play poker.. if I say No, he throws a fit and say I control his life blah blah. If I want to go to the beach or stay in the mountains, he doesn't want to do that. he hates the country life while I LOVE it. he's a city boy.

When you know he won't be around, do you unconsciously breath a sigh of relief and feel better even for a split second?
yeah most of the times. He lives 1 hr away for school and I live up north for grad school and I love my independence. If this was few yrs ago, I would be like Oh i miss you so much come home now... but now I'm like don't come home.. I need my space and I love sleeping alone! LOL!!!

When I talk to him about my feelings, or talk about our marriage, he gets upset and I KNOW he will make a big deal out of it and say fine i can move out and get everything. he just wants to see my reaction and always say "I know you never loved me."
He made a huge improvement since last Jan when he stopped saying "I want to divorce you". But he still call me bytch when we argue. I don't understand why he gotta stoop that low to do that to me? And I hate it when he's mad... when he's like that, he always say fine i'm leaving til you calm down and not come back.. he always does that when we are in public... for example last sat we were at a store lookin for a dress for me cuz we had an invitation to someone's party that night.. i couldnt find the right dress.. i asked for his opinion and he said it looks fine. i said no it doesnt' look fine and he'd be like ok i'm leaving and drop you off at the party and im going home. he ALWAYS does that to me whenever we go out. We have ONE truck and he expects my friends to drop me off afterwards if we get into argument. and he always end up going to the party or wherever we go.. he's just CHEAP TALK to make me feel bad or follow him. I hate that! It makes me feel like I'm 5 yrs old and being talked like that by a father. My mom used to do that to me when I was little girl.. she always would be like "If you behave bad, we are going home." It's like DH is talking like my mother! It drives me CRAZY!!!!! to the point where I want to walk out and just scream.
it's not easy being open to DH.
and we are THOUSANDS of miles away from our families. so we have NO family support around here. I'm all alone with my 4 cats and DH... we have few friends but we don't bother them with our problems.
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  #5  
May 11th, 2010, 06:52 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Update.... I finally told DH how I was feeling.
This may look jumbled and I'm typing what went on...

He wanted to kiss me, and I refused to let him.. he said what's wrong.. tell me the truth.. then I confessed. I told him I'm still upset about what he has done in the past few days and it was a vicious cycle. He said I knew it. he got all huffy and said I was obsessing and he apologized at that time it happened. I said yes you apologized but that doesn't excuse your behavior cuz it always happens whenever we argue.

i said i wanted to separate.. he said i dont see why or what i did to you... it's YOU and you will not be happy if you are single/divorced. I said do you want me to lie to you? at least im being honest. and i brought up therapy..he flipped out and said f that... waste of money she overcharged you for missing 2 times. i said you wouldnt even see therapist before that happened and now you are saying you wont see therapist cuz she overcharged me. i said would you want me to get different therapist? he said no i want nothing to do with therapist.
i told him sorry i cannot see myself for the next 50 years not having therapy if there's anything i need. i have major depression and anxiety disorder and i do need therapist at times if needed. he said you can go ahead see them but NOT me. i said dont u want to understand ME and have a neutral person help us out if issue arises. he said no. sighs

he said i dont want to separate.. i want to divorce right away and go tomorrow and file and make agreement which is mine and yours. that tv is mine (pointing at big screen tv in the living room) and the tv in our bedroom is yours. I was like ok? so you are giving up so easily?

i told him he's my best friend but a lover.. i dont think so. i explained how my feelings for him has diminished the past year.

then he brought up saying "i have a feeling you had an affair on me." i was like i have not done that. every time we have discussion like this he always think i had an affair. I have never had an affair.

we had a talk for like 1 hour then at the end... we were like.. now what? i said ok let's just get out of the apt and go out to eat and just have good time. our cat smoke came by and he said i'm going to take him and you can have the other 3 cats. I got up and tried to grab Smoke but he ran off to the bedroom.. i followed smoke to the bedroom and held him in my arms on the bed and started crying... dh came in the room and laughed and said i was just joking and he lifted my hair strand out of my face and realized i was crying. he said im sorry i didn't mean it. he KNOWS my cats ARE my babies. he said the cats can be with you for 90% and me 10%. i didnt say anything and just kept on crying and i said i miss ashley (my oldest cat age 18 who passed away this past feb). he held me and i wiped my tears and got out of bed and said let's go eat. so we are civil right now. i asked him at pizza hut what we are gonna do. he said it's up to you. sooo its' up to me?

ETA: I forgot to add... He also said when we get divorce, i expect you to change the last name back to your maiden name cuz you are not gonna hold on to my last name. and he said "I know you want a divorce cuz i cannot give you a child and you are mad at me for needing IVF to get you pregnant cuz we can't do it naturally." He has severe MFI. It's not about his MFI at all.
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Last edited by ZaydensMomma; May 11th, 2010 at 07:25 PM.
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  #6  
May 11th, 2010, 10:42 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
All I know is that I begged mine to get counseling with me for a long time and he never would. What can you do? Notta.

Im so sorry his response was to immediately divide up property, make it final, and then claim you had an affair!

Does he have low self esteem or what? Or just feeling insecure over the MFI? Was he done with the marriage, too, like you were?

Im so sorry! Looks like you have thought about some of these things in post #4 and have answers for yourself. So what are you going to do now?
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  #7  
May 12th, 2010, 07:59 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
One of the things I realized about my own first marriage is that we fell into the "habit" of fighting very early on and it was impossible by the time we realized what had happened, to change it. I think in your husband's case, he has fallen into the habit of #1 blaming you as a smokescreen to his own insecurities--if it's all your fault, we don't have to talk about the real issues--and #2 I think he is very insecure. His way of hiding that insecurity is to brush it off as though it means nothing to him. If I don't show you how much this hurts me, you won't know how vulnerable I am and you won't hurt me more. He seems to have a real fear of intimacy--and I don't mean sexual but rather emotional. Many people share that fear. It's scary to all of us to be vulnerable and open up ourselves to the possibility of being hurt but to some--especially if they have done it before and had someone betray them--it's just too much so they hide behind sarcasm or anger or, as in his case, apathy. Just the fact that he is leaving it up to you says that he doesn't want to lose you but he is afraid of telling you that in case YOU don't love him anymore. The old saying "You always hurt the ones you love" is sadly true. Why? Because we feel the most secure in those relationships. We know that if we yell at the kids because they are playing too loudly when we're actually angry at the bank for sending us a notice of an overdraft charge of $35, the kids are going to forgive us. They will continue to love us and probably never mention the loss of temper again. The older the loved one, the less you can get away with that way. Yes, as wives we are willing to forgive and forget a certain amount of abuse but not forever and not past a certain point. He's got to realize you are at that point. OK So what do you do? Well, you know what DOESN'T work so stop doing that. Someone once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results...seems to me that is also the definition of relationships! LOL What would happen if when he calls you a biotafich (you know the word) you said "We'll talk about this when you're not so angry." and just walked away and refused to respond no matter what he says until he calms down AND apologises for using that word? Once he knows he isn't going to get the reaction he is looking for, he might just stop trying for it. OR what about if when you start raising voices, you immediately call for a time out until you have both calmed down enough to talk without the anger. Whatever you decide, the idea is to take the anger and verbal abuse OUT of the equation. From the sound of it, I don't think either one of you REALLY wants to call it quits. I think there are a lot of issues that therapy could help but if he isn't willing--probably out of that fear of vulnerability--then there are still things you can do yourselves to turn things around. Get some books on relationships--The Five Love Languages by Dr gary Chapman is an EXCELLENT book for anyone to read! His theory is that there are five separate ways that people show love to their partners and that often because we show love in a different way, we don't see it when our partner is showing us they love us. For example if I see love as buying me jewelry and fancy things and you see love as spending time making me something, you're going to meet with a disappointing response when you hand me the birdhouse you spend 15 hours making. To you, that is the BEST present ever! To me...it's WTH is this? I wanted that pearl necklace I showed you 10 times and left the picture of on the fridge and told you where you could get it and how much and made sure it was in the budget! I don't even like birdhouses! At the same time, if I give you a new watch and that's not how you see love...you wanted me to make something for you...I'm going to get that same disappointing response and you're going to feel unloved. We have to learn to see how much love went into what we are given on a daily basis and to see the signals that our partner is showing us.
My first Christmas with Tom, I went all out on him. I bought him a new robe and a leather jacket, tools and a giftcard to Home Depot--he loves working on the house. He was overwhelmed! He could not believe I had done that. His ex always gave him things like socks and coffee mugs from her and the kids. What touched him more than anything is what I wrote in the card I gave him. I told him all about how he had changed my life and I wanted to be with him forever and all that mushy stuff. He said that if he had only gotten that card, it would have still been the best Christmas he has ever had. He loved all his gifts but that card was the biggest one to him. He still has it. Yeah..I married a softy. LOL The point is, I learned that what says love to him is not what I buy...but how I express my love for him.
Anyway, I kinda got off topic for a while. LOL The point is, I think you can get back what you two have lost if you're both willing to work on it. There are so many things you can do to change the way you communicate. Read everything you can, discard what doesn't apply or what you don't like and keep the rest. Then USE it. Make changes and start living your life the way you WISH it was--as far as your marriage is concerned--and make it happen. It makes it harder that you're so far apart but it's still doable. How much longer are you going to be living separately? Are you together for the summer or both still going to school? If you're together, it can be a good time to work on things.
I hope that helps.
HUGS!!!
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  #8  
May 12th, 2010, 02:19 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
I loved the five love languages! I did that with a group back in Europe. That was great, although I suppose that information was probably meant for me to know for someone else and not my ex, eh?

The other book I absolutely loved is Fireproof. Dang, I even even tried that for as long as I could....right book, wrong guy....lol.
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  #9  
May 16th, 2010, 12:41 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
Aaron, I've talked to you before and you know that I love you so whatever I say I want you to know I don't mean anything mean and it is just my opinion but when I read your posts, I feel like inside your heart you are sad. I really feel that you two are two different people and that is where the trouble really is. That is why he cannot see anything wrong. You've become a more outgoing, independent woman that wants to go places and do things and he just doesn't (seem) into it all as much. And no matter how you bend to him, it will not work. Yes, you can compromise but I have been there and done that. It was the worst thing I ever did, change who I was in the hopes that Brise would have been good to me. He was ok, and he put on a good show but he didn't like my friends, he was older and mature and we were just young and immature so I quit talking to them. Not really just up and stopped, but was never around to do anything because we always had to do what he wanted. His father owned a business so whatever he told me to do, I did. I ran errands, went on calls, even picked up his brother and sister at school because his dad was too busy (but in town!).

But the thing is, and I've told you before, is that you two love each other but (seems) that you're not "in love" with each other. That means you two care about each other but that passionate, burning, can't live without each other feeling isn't there but you do care for each other and do want to hurt either one. And it is hard to be alone, I don't have any friends because of what I said above. I know people, but like people to go out with (like to the movies, to dinner, stuff to do), that would be a no. Brise was my everything, he was my best friend, he was who I told everything to, who I had my LIFE'S dreams with (as you know we were trying to have a baby (his request) ) and I thought everything was fine, he was doing things and going out of his way to do things I didn't even ask him to do. And now...I'm alone (although I do live at my mom and dad's & we're very close because I'm an only child) but still, to this day, knowing what all he has done, the abuse, the lies, the cruelness...if he would have asked me to stay, I would have because it was easier being in an awful situation but being with someone than free and alone. Now that is because I am having a hard time still, not a day goes by that I don't cry and I occasionally consider suicide because I feel like he took my dreams away. I am overweight and I am not a bombshell so I don't feel anyone will love me again, I feel I won't have a home again that I love, and I won't have my own family and that hurts. But that is how I feel right now so I'm not sure that is how it really is. I don't know if 2 years from now I look back and go "whoa! Brandie, you were soooo dumb! You really ARE better off now" and I'm still having trouble with the idea of "this isn't how it was suppose to be", as in my plan of life. But after seeing photos of his girlfriend, I actually had a thought the other day of, OMG...I'm glad I'm gone. They are trashy and several people (I believe) live at the house (his friend James put that address on his facebook, and in several pictures it is Brise's girlfriend's friend as well and some old pics she uploaded had her friend sleeping on the couch...so it might have been a package deal, but both of those girls have 2 kids) and they are girls are posing in the living room with one with a ball gag in her mouth (like a bondage ball gag) while someone is handcuffing her. A flat screen tv in the background but still no flooring....

So what you have to deal with is how you're going to do it without him, living arrangements, finances, and then social life. And remember that you give up the fun stuff (at least temporarily) like holidays and things like that. BUT, I can tell you are not happy and you are looking for an answer and it almost feels like a way out. What is going to happen next is that you've tried so very hard for so very long and with no response from DH, you will give up too and then you'll just be miserable. Life is too short, it really is. You need to find what is in your heart and go for it. If you do it the right way, you can hurt him less (if that is what you decide to do) and may be able to remain friends before something happens that really tears you two a part.
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