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Well, with the upcoming move...things aren't going so well anymore. The ex says he has an appointment with mental health soon. I hope that's true and that he sticks with it. I think he is really pissed off that I am moving with the boys.
I am pretty sure I am doing the right thing for my kids as a whole by moving. I KNOW Im doing the right thing for me by moving...lol. The situation here is less than ideal and there's so much tension and negativity around me that I can barely breathe. It's just time to put a little distance between....you know when you know...and it's time.
I feel bad for how much this would hurt me if the tables were reversed...but they will still be able to see him-just not as often, you know? There is a part of me that is okay with it, until he can get himself a little more stable...mentally and emotionally, you know? He will someday, Im sure.
Anyway, I brought up moving and he just flipped. But it wasn't him talking civilized about his feelings over the move, it was everything that I said or did that was wrong! If you need to communicate your feelings....then dont pick something else or pick at stuff that is unimportant. He screams he never wants to talk to me again....I didn't $#!$% call you...jack@$$!
WTH? communication was always a problem when we were married and it still is, and he would go weeks without saying anything to me-saying that he needed 'space'. Fine....but for weeks and then would never address anything anyway when he was d a m n good and ready to say something. If I even asked if we could talk hours or days later...maybe weeks later, he would say 'you have no respect for me! You aren't giving me my space.' There has got to be a fine line here. Weeks of space once or twice a month is LOOONG time. But you know what? Because of his inability or just didn't want to address things, he was often times trying to make ME the one who was at fault. That I didn't do this....or I didn't do that....
Here's the thing....whenever we got into it, we were often not able to talk about the actual TOPIC because then he would point the finger at me and find something little to pick at...then just pile on more crap on TOP of the original issue! It never got resolved....or even talked about and just kept piling up...I could NEVER win. EVER. D a m n ed if I did, and ****** if I didn't. And he always managed to get out of talking about something that I would have liked to address by trying to make me feel like total crap for wanting to talk about it. Sometimes I just sat there staring at him when he would blow up...not understanding why he was so pi$$ed at me for after a week or two, still wanting to discuss something that was extremely important. If I come back to an issue to find out what we can do to fix it, or prevent it from happening again, solve it, whatever....weeks later...its a pretty big issue that affects the entire family. What Im saying is....I picked my battles. I had to. And I never won one...because they just weren't discussed.
I often felt like I had NO RIGHT to have feelings, desires, no problems with ANYTHING and could question nothing. You know that $500 negative balance in the bank? It shouldn't concern me. You know that we have no running water because he didn't pay the water bill and bought a bunch of things he wanted? That shouldn't concern me. Why? Because he just got pi$$ed off and went to the barracks and stayed there where there was hot water for a shower and no baby that needed water for bottles, kids that had to flush the toilet, take a shower, etc. My feelings never mattered to him. He//, I shouldn't even had feelings, thoughts, concerns. I should just merely function in a robot-like way to serve that royal SOB.We were just a status symbol to him. Objects of Possession. Not human beings. And you know, maybe that's how he feels in the military, and doesn't really have a choice right now...but I do have a d a m n choice.
Because of the way he handled this and picked at crap, blew up, I guess it was just a trigger for me from the past. After this happened, I felt the anger surge through me all over again just like in the beginning of the end....on the way out. It really just brought back a flood of horrid memories and took away my lonely feelings for a time.
I hate what he has done. I never expected to feel the surge of anger and tears again like in the beginning from similiar behaviors. If I screw up typing...its because you can only type so much through tears that dont stop coming. And I cant stop. So I dont.
He was awful to me and to my children. I just want to say that. I want to get that out and just say it because through these years, I TRULY believed that I WAS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS UNHAPPINESS. AND THAT I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING THIS MAN HAPPY! BUT HE WAS ALREADY BROKEN. THAT I WAS AT FAULT FOR EVERYTHING THAT WENT WRONG IN HIS LIFE. THAT IT WAS ME!
Guess what? It WASN'T me. It wasn't my children that were an inconvenience. It was HIM. You know how I finally found that out? I divorced him, and there is only one person STILL miserable and it's not me. There is only one person that isn't doing anything good for themselves and its not me. There is only one person recovering from the heartbreak, releasing grudges and trying with a sincere heart to forgive. That's me. There is only one person trying move forward with life, making goals, working hard to meet them and succeeding. That's me.
Yes I get lonely, but life without him is worth it.
Sometimes I get so irritated at myself, too, for believing this crap for so long....so quiet and scared and worried that I would piss him off....not normal or healthy. Brainwashed in sorts. That's the feeling.
Thanks for letting me get this out here. It releases the ownership, and makes it not my own, somehow. That this is how I felt, and that I dont EVER have to feel that way ever again. And I wont. And I dont now.
I know someone understands EXACTLY what Im saying.
Oh you KNOW I understand because you have just written out 22 years of my life! Once that lightbulb goes on and you realize that "HEY! It WASN'T me all along! I am not that flawed person he would have me believe and by God I am a GOOD person and DESERVE better than that!" everything begins to fall into place and you rethink all those fights, all those nights you fell asleep crying, all the times you wondered what was wrong with you that you could not make this man happy and YOU could not be happy. You suddenly realize it CAN'T be ALL YOUR FAULT! It takes two. Tom tells me all the time that I am so easy to please. My ex always told me I could never be happy. The difference? Tom does little things that my ex never bothered to do. Things like hugging me and telling me he loves me. Sharing chores like making dinner and helping with the dishes. Little things that let me know he thinks of us as a team and not just me as HIS wife. I have never felt like a possession with him whereas I never felt like anything else with my ex. I was the trophy wife and my kids were the trophy kids. TO THIS DAY whenever one of them does something, it isn't "enough". For example, when Steven was in high school, he was on the football team. He was a mediocre player--not destined for the NFL that's for sure--but he loved the game. Whenever my ex would introduce him, he would say he was the star quarterback on the team and that NFL scouts were looking at him. OMG WHY???? #1 it made my son feel bad about himself for what he actually was, wasn't good enough for his dad and #2 there were times when he said that to people who KNEW it wasn't the truth! He actually said that to the uncle of the actual quarterback one time! Talk about embarrassing! As a result, Steven quit the team...gave up one of his joys because he just couldnt stand his father's attitude.
I know what it's like to feel "not good enough" and as though everything in the world is your fault. Like you said...look who is still miserable. Your ex is. My ex is. Case closed. I'm glad he is going to get some help. I sincerely hope it helps him and I know from my own experience that it takes a long time to make the progress that he needs. I only hope he has the patience to stick through the process to the end. It will be so much better for him and for your boys. And for you. You shouldn't have to deal with his crap now that you're divorced but unfortunately, you're tied to him for life through the kids. As they get older, you'll have less and less contact with him of course--I rarely speak to my ex anymore thank God. LOL But for the next 17 years, you will have to endure conversations with him about the boys and arranging visits and things that come up. It will be so much better for you if he is mentally healthy.
You, on the other hand, are doing beautifully! I know you had a tough day but look how much you have changed since that first post when everything first started! God he must be kicking himself in the butt for losing you! That's probably why he has finally decided to get help--he said "I must be crazy for letting her get away!" LOL I am so proud of you--I hope that doesn't sound condescending. You are an amazing woman and I know in my heart you're going to be just fine! You've come a long way, baby! There are NO LIMITS to what you can do now!