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  #1  
May 20th, 2010, 06:05 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
Im going crazy!!!! Most of my friends who live in this apartment complex are gone for vacation for few weeks. Same as my roommates are gone for a short vacation.

Ive been in this apt alone all week and I'm going crazy.... the negative thoughts creeping in my mind.... going back and forth. I talked to DH last weekend and I blurted out that I don't love him anymore. He cried. And you know what? I didn't feel bad? I was like finally you know how I feel now... I just had enough going back and forth. I told him I wanted to live alone with my roomie when our lease is up end of July... he didn't like the idea. Our family are in Indiana. We basically have NO support... and we can't bring it to ourselves to tell our families. He told me if we keep on separating this long he will go ahead and graduate this Dec and move to Ohio into his best friend's house. (His best friend is going through a divorce right now.)
I haven't seen him since last sunday. I felt good I was alone for a few days... then Now knowing I will see him tomorrow... my anxiety is increasing high and I feel sooo nauseous and I don't know what I am going to do this weekend with him.
I kept thinking... Oh man I really miss him.. then again I don't want to spend the rest of my life knowing he will never improve his action and never see a therapist.. I just can't put myself in that position. It's like I am mourning the loss of our future. We TTC'd for almost 4 years and he has low sperm. He made an insult remark saying I want a divorce cuz he cannot give me a baby. I said that's not true.
Oh I hate hate hate hate hate feeling like this. I just want to hide from the world and tell everyone to leave the he\\ alone. I want to talk to my therapist but I am not in mood to face my fears. I am SO scared. I don't know what to dooooo...
Why is it that I get excited when I go out or get my own space... then when I'm with DH, I just dont want to be around him.... but I want him around cuz it's comfortable.... KWIM? I know I'm in my comfort zone.... I just get heart broken knowing we may never have the life we always dreamed of. I just know if we get a divorce, he will be single for a long time. He told me that.
Also, I get embarrassed when he talks about political stuff and he always must have the last word. But then again I remember he is a good man who always do everything for me... but is that enough to hold our marriage when there's other stuff that has to be dealt with... like needing respect for each other, finances, etc?
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Last edited by ZaydensMomma; May 23rd, 2010 at 02:42 PM.
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  #2  
May 20th, 2010, 10:33 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier Kitty View Post
I just get heart broken knowing we may never have the life we always dreamed of.
I just want to say, that is totally normal. You build all your hopes on one thing. I feel the same way, I never even knew anything was wrong! But you can't stay just because you're scared of the unknown because years from now, will you regret staying just to be comfortable? It sucks to be alone and I've cried every single day since January 22nd but I know I wouldn't go back, no matter what. It would be tempting, and I would feel a huge relief to know he wanted me, but nothing would change. No matter how white he painted the picket fence, it would be the same.

I'm living it now, and it is the scariest thing I've ever gone through but I feel like I have a clean canvas and I can paint whatever I want. I don't have any friends so I don't have anyone to go out and do anything with but everyone tells me to get out and do things (which I'm having trouble understanding because I don't have anyone to do anything with to "get out") but I am going to learn. On my off weekends I think I am going to volunteer, probably at the animal shelter. I have even thought about church but I'm not very religious but if I want to meet nice people, that would be a great place to start

And you've already read my post about my time frame to have a baby, I'm waiting until around 35 (that's my plan, of course, that could change) and then I'll do it alone with donor sperm. As for relationships, a guy friend of mine didn't get married until he was 36 and there is a lot on my list for the next time around. I'm also focusing on school, getting some of my bills paid, even thinking of owning a home (one day maybe when I get that "dream job" I've always wanted). It is kind of exciting to think about decorating my own home! I love domestic stuff and to imagine gardening in my own garden! My own front porch! It got me thinking the life I had with my ex wasn't really my life, I was just a part of his. If I wanted to garden, I got NO help and he would fuss about how much I spent. Even though if I own my own home and I do it alone, at least I won't be thinking "why doesn't he want to do this with me? Why doesn't he want our home to look nice? Why doesn't he want to be outside with me? Why is he fussing about how much I spend when he doesn't have to do anything?" Of course I hope to one day be with someone, but getting to pick out my own things, my own dishes! My own furniture, my own patio furniture!




Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosier Kitty View Post
But then again I remember he is a good man who always do everything for me... but is that enough to hold our marriage when there's other stuff that has to be dealt with... like needing respect for each other, finances, etc?
You two can still be great friends. It seems impossible but if it isn't working, pretending would hurt you and him in the long run.

We've talked a little on messenger but I wanted to let ya know that I'm here for you and read your post here too. You're a wonderful girl and it is confusing and it hurts and it is scary and it lonely and a complete roller coaster but take it a step at a time
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  #3  
May 21st, 2010, 05:40 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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It is hard being alone sometimes. Brandie is right though. If you stay together and you're miserable, you're cheating yourselves out of something that could be wonderful with someone else. I know. I cheated myself for 22 years! I stayed in a miserable marriage because I thought that was best for the kids. I realized I was wrong about two years before I divorced him because my kids BEGGED me to leave! Still I stayed--out of fear. I was afraid I wasn't capable of making it on my own. Surprise! Not only did I do just fine, I was able to get a good job, pay my bills, buy a house, pay off the car and keep food on the table! You can do it too. Yes, you will mourn the life you dreamed of...that's normal. You had a lot of dreams and hopes and desires tied up in this relationship and now those particular ones are gone...but there are others and there will be more. No one goes into a marriage saying "this will do until we get divorced in a few years"...we go in thinking forever.When we fall short of forever, we feel the sense of failure even when it's something we don't want anymore. I did even though I had been miserable for many years. And of course, when you're used to having a person there when you want them to be or when you need them, it's natural to feel the void when they're gone. It DOES get easier! And as Brandie said, you can still remain friends. There is no law that says you have to hate your ex or never speak to them again. (although in my case, I wish there was. LOL) Write the script for YOUR life yourself and don't let anyone else dictate it or criticize it.
On a separate note, I just have to say that Brandie, you are doing so well! This is not the same person who first posted here such a short time ago! You sound great! I am so glad that you realized that he isn't good enough for you--not hte other way around! Someday someone wonderful is going to come along and find the jewel that you are and he will cherish and treasure you forever! I'm so glad that I'm able to witness this wonderful metamorphosis! YOU GO GIRL!
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  #4  
May 21st, 2010, 10:37 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
Not hijacking your thread Aaron, just side noting lol

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondzilla View Post
On a separate note, I just have to say that Brandie, you are doing so well! This is not the same person who first posted here such a short time ago! You sound great! I am so glad that you realized that he isn't good enough for you--not hte other way around! Someday someone wonderful is going to come along and find the jewel that you are and he will cherish and treasure you forever! I'm so glad that I'm able to witness this wonderful metamorphosis! YOU GO GIRL!
I don't feel as good as I may sound. I am still sad, I still cry a lot. I have started to realize that I miss him, or maybe more like I miss the love I had for him because in my heart I loved him. I am coming to realize that I do miss him or maybe just the life we had or maybe just the life and dreams I wanted to have. I've started to realize that he deserves to be happy just as much as I do, the sadness comes from wishing that his happiness was with me. It hurts to see his life goes on without me (I can only assume happily). It's hard to see his new life unfold with someone else. I don't have the "American Dream" I dreamed of because he was in it. But I am learning that it isn't going to happen the way I probably planned it. I am just hoping with every ounce of my being that you are right, that one day I will find someone who will cherish and treasure me forever and I feel comfortable around and all the fears and worries of everything from being hurt again to worrying about kids and divorce and the what-if's of doing it all over again, melt away. I'm even getting better at swallowing the pill that I may not find someone and I may have to do it alone but like I said to Aaron, some things are exciting, like maybe (one day way off) having my own home and my own (brand new) car. I have a long way to go especially since he is appealing his domestic violence case and we have to go to divorce court so I'll be back leaning on you girls again.

I just can't thank you enough for the support that you girls have given me. It has given me the only hope I've had, other than the kind words of friend and family but you girls have been here and done it and gone through it and some are better off and realized it wasn't the end of the world.

That's why, Aaron, you're in a great place for whatever you decide because there is amazing support and you will get tons of ideas and suggestions to what is bothering you and upsetting you, options you maybe not have even thought of. Remember we're here
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  #5  
May 22nd, 2010, 09:42 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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Brandie, I know what you mean. It's not so much that you miss "HIM" but rather you miss the companionship and the dreams and what might have been. But, this was only a dress rehersal with the understudy. The opening night is yet to come and the star of the show is you and your leading man is yet to be determined. You can still have all those dreams of a home and family. That door has not closed. You will find someone you are more suited to and who fits you best. Then you will blossum and have all the dreams come true! I know it will happen and at one point I felt just like you.
All in all, this is a difficult experience you're all going through. So many emotions--good, bad and ugly will come into play during the course of the divorce and the aftermath. You will run the whole range of emotions from depression and feelings of loss, mourning, sadness to relief, happiness at being rid of the issues surrounding a bad marriage and joy in your growth and accomplishments. NOTHING is abnormal! I had fantasies of my ex dying, of killing him myself, wishing he'd get in an accident to just wishing he'd go away and never come back. I didn't do anything about those fantasies but I sure as heck had them! And, they've faded into memories now. I tell myself and my kids that I just wish he would be happy..the truth is I really don't much care if he is. He put me through hell for many years and now, he's the miserable one. KARMA is a (bi otch) and so am I! LOL
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  #6  
May 23rd, 2010, 02:42 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,443
I totally appreciate Dana and Brandie's comments. I analyzed the marriage so I went ahead and told DH I wanted a divorce last night. We were packing stuff cuz we are moving out of this apt in July. I began to ask him what dvd is his and mine. he was like oh so we are gonna get a divorce? I nod my head and he began to cry and lost it. He was like what did I do???? I said I've given you tons of chances over the year. You refused to seek marriage counseling and we kept going into vicious cycle. He said he didn't want a divorce and he'd change for me. he cried so hard... OMG It killed me sooooo bad... and weird thing.... I didn't cry..but I felt sooooo bad and hugged him. He said he'd go counseling for me cuz his best friend (who's going thru divorce) told him he need to see counseling. I said why it took a best friend to tell you to change your mind NOT ME? Were you blind all this along? He said I didn't mean to be like that. He was really heartbroken. I felt so f***ing bad. I said I'm just done. I want to be happy. He given me hints in the past days like "You can't make it on your own." and "You won't be able to afford anything if you leave me cuz you are on disability check" and that killed me to think he didnt have faith in me i could make it on my own. does he think i cannot be ME and independent. He said he was sorry for saying that. and he also said he want to kill himself and everyone would think he's a bad person and he'd quit college. And he wouldn't find anyone like me. He said this is my first and last marriage. No one would want to date me. and he also said he didn't want me to be with other man cuz i'm beautiful. I said NO you are not! I got so pissed off he said that and I left for a walk outside in the middle of the night. I stayed out for 45 mins and I never ever felt so alone in my life. I had NO ONE NO ONE to talk to on text or anything then I thought of a JM member who live near me.. i texted her... she answered back... but it didn't help me much cuz I just wanted to screaaaaaaam and run away. I wanted to cry...but couldn't.... I wanted to scream..but couldn't.... I was just..... emotionless.......... Oh my god why am I alone?
we talked and talked for hours..... and he finally gave in and said he'd agree to divorce and it was HIS fault for not seeing the whole picture and he regretted ignoring me for a year.
dh slept on the couch and I slept alone.
I went to bed and woke up.... i had a panic attack that this was really happening. i walked to the living room and saw him watching tv... i was like is this really happening? i kept feeling nauseous... and i feel like crying now... actually i'm crying right now as I am typing this. I just never thought it'd come to this. I hate myself right now. I dont know what to do now. I do want to be happy. I kept thinking.. should I give him a chance? I know he may change a little but is it enough to keep me going? OMG I just feel like I want to die. I hate hate my mind. why can't it be easy on me? ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.............
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Last edited by ZaydensMomma; May 23rd, 2010 at 03:06 PM.
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  #7  
May 23rd, 2010, 05:48 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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It is NEVER easy. I was to the point of literally hating my ex and I STILL had trouble when we filed! I still had those same WHY ME feelings when I moved down here and left my world behind me.
There are no rules here, Aaron. If you think things could be good again, give it a try. If you honestly believe there is no hope and you just want out, then that's what you do. No one here will ever judge you or make you feel like you did something wrong. We ALL know what it's like and frankly, divorce should not be entered into lightly just as marriage shouldn't. If you want, give him a 30, 60, 90 day probation. At the end of whatever time period you determine, if he has not made enough progress to suit you, then follow through with the divorce. Don't let him manipulate you into staying if you don't want to and don't NOT stay if you're having doubts as to what you want. Right now, the ONLY one who matters is you. Do YOU want to give the marriage another chance or not? (You don't have to answer here either...this is for you to figure out)
I hope that helps.
HUGS!!!!
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