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Well, it's Friday again....and I'm beat. Was supposed to go up to the clinic tomorrow and get ahead on my hours, but I have so much to do and really need to spend time with the girls without the boys, you know?
Things are really weird here. Im emotional again...lol...what can I say? I think it's a combination of trying to adjust to an early schedule, and the days just seem to run together. Same schedule, same thing, different day....kinda boring. And the move is really scaring the crap out of me, but I know it's what I need to do. Maybe I just need some excitement in my life? I havent had much time for me lately with the externship, and any spare time I spend with the kids because I miss them so much. It was a bit overwhelming for me to go from not working for 5 years or so to full on in the clinic work like setting. I like it, its just still hard. I have always had the option of being him with the kids and being there for them, but now I dont have a choice. I feel so sad when Im not there when they get out of school, and it's just going to get worse with A 40 hour a week workweek....ugh...
Dh says he's in counseling to get better. He says it's because he wants a future together. Says he still loves me. He says a lot of things that make my heart truly wonder-even if only for a split second. I hate that. I wish his words had absolutely NO EFFECT on my thinking, or my heart, not even for a second.
I have entertained the thoughts of my fantasies of how great things could be, would be, if he got some help. But why should I have to wait years and years to share my life with someone? Because that's exactly how long it's going to take. YEARS. He knows I would wait a long time-especially if I KNEW that it would work out and he was doing something. He knows I still love him and he plays off that. It's a game, I think, to him.
But when he got his little two seater sports car and said, 'yeah, I needed something with better gas mileage', (Yes I have really been thinking on this A LOT) Well, the only time he really travels, is from the base to pick up the boys to where we live-which is about two hours away. If the only reason you were traveling were to pick up your two boys, wouldn't you get a gas economic car that can ALSO be used to fit BOTH of your children safely? He says he can use his mom's car for that...(he has never carried car seats at all in his car...they were always in his mom's car and that's the car he always used to come get the boys. Weird, huh?
So he says that this car has made him better. Made him want to care for himself..you know, brush his teeth, care about how he looks. These are things he did before we got married, but then he stopped doing them. I ALWAYS cared how I looked, what he thought about how I looked, made sure my teeth were brushed, showered, makeup...you know the drill...but I did it for me-except after he left when I was such a mess that I just couldn't....but that didn't last long.
Sometimes I think he had this whole thing planned out just the way he wanted it to go. Other times, I think he never meant for it to go this far. Lately, I just dont think he cares. And I think there's someone else if you put two and two together. He says he quit smoking, got this sports car, suddenly cares about how he looks, what he wears, uses cologne, brushes his teeth, wont carry carseats in his car ever....the classic signs....
I know it's none of my business, but d a m n...it still hurts to think that he is the one is who left me! I should have left his arse on his tour of duty halfway across the world. Guess I'd just rather not know. Or maybe it would be better for me if I did know. Definitely the fast type, I guess. But then it doesn't make sense to me that he says he's going to counseling in hopes that we have a future? WTH? Maybe he is just feeling better about himself and his new bigger toys now? Or maybe he is just trying to string along my emotions whilst looking for the new g/f. I dunno....and I dont even know why I am analyzing this like this....and why NOW? Probably scared about the move?
But that is the reason WHY I am moving...to get on with it, you know? Put some space between, but not too much where he can still see the kids semi-regularly.
I think back on all the times I bent over backwards for this man. I remember when he first got taped for being a fatty, and I slaved in the kitchen for months to make sure he was eating really healthy, packing his lunches for work, etc, WHY? Because I loved him and wanted him to be healthy, but secondly, the less on his shoulders for stress, the happier he was, or so I thought.
I thought about all the times I wrote in lipstick on the mirror sweet things. All the times I set my alarm to get up and make him breakfast, JUST so we could have coffee, and snuggle and talk before work. Little things...but great things. Never meant anything to him.
It will get a little better once we leave here. Maybe the whole thing is symbolic for me? It's really done and far behind me...no looking back. It's not going to be easy, I know. I think I dont have any breaks now, I REALLY wont when we move LOL. I can't wait to go, but I really wish I wasn't all at the same time. Just a new life, I guess. I would love to have a some sort of comfort zone to run to, but I dont.
Everything in me wishes that he would stay in his counseling, and it would only take a few months...I know better. Everything in me wishes that I had no place in my heart for him after everything he has done to me, and to my children, and after everything I have lost. But I do...and perhaps that's one of the reasons it's time to go-maybe it's for a short time, or a very long one....
What's my problem? Why am I doing this? Thinking crazy....shouldn't even be a thought in my head at this point.
Why? Because you're normal! You will always have feelings for him if for no other reason than you spent time with him and he is the father of your sons! My ex and I shared 22 years of my life and 3 kids. That never went away. I don't regret leaving but it was scary as heII and I know exactly what you mean. I also moved to another state--my ex followed me here. At the time he said it was to be close to the kids but I knew then as I know now that he really hoped I would come back to him--not so much because he still loved me...he was just as miserable in the marriage as I was, but because no one in his family had ever been divorced before and he looked on it as a source of failure in his family's eyes and therefore something that must be changed. Sorry. I don't care what your family thinks! They never liked me and it was mutual!
This is an emotional time for you and it's normal to want to b e back in your "comfort zone" where much of the responsibilities are off your shoulders or at least shared and you have choices. Like you, I was a SAHM and suddenly HAD to work. I had to leave my kids home alone while I ran off to work and although I was a phone call away, it was hard. I wanted to be home with them and take care of them. I had to pay bills. As hard as it was, I am glad I did it. I grew up. I realized so many good things about myself and challenged myself successfully on a daily basis. It felt GOOD!
You'll get there. You will continue to have these periods of self doubt and "wishing" but understand that it's not anything more than just a longing for something less challenging and difficult. It's HARD being a single mom! Your ex may be successful in dealing with his problems and someday you may decide to give it another try. But IF you do, you will be getting a better deal than you got the last time because you'll know what you're really getting instead of just what he wants you to think you're getting. No rules say you have to close the door on that possibility unless YOU say so! I closed the door the last night of the marriage when he beat me up. I locked it and welded it shut the day I needed money and he offered to pay me to sleep with him. Ironically, he didn't understand why that upset me. To him it was a win/win situation. I'd get the money I needed to fix my car and he would get the sex he missed. Gee...why would that upset me? LOL