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She's sitting on my back porch. In the chairs I painted, with the Tiki Torches we bought because they were so nice. You're sitting behind my hot tub that my husband and I made love in. My yard looks so very nice, the grass it cut and now the privacy fence is up, the trees are blooming. My yard. But it is filled with her, and her children playing in the pool. When can I be upset? When can I be angry? That was my life, you were my life but you threw it away for something I don't understand. Why was I not enough? Why was what we could have had together not enough? Is it because she is happy with a walmart pool and sitting on the back porch and I wanted to go out and do things? Is it I wouldn't get a nasty arm sized tattoo right on my front arm? Is it because I wasn't skinny enough, since she is just the poster child for anorexia. Why now? Why did you put up the privacy fence? Why don't you chop down my trees in the yard, those were ours. I wanted those trees. You still have my storage building, that's my parents. Not yours. Not your girlfriends.
I can't believe you are being a daddy to someone else's children. You were suppose to be the father of MY children. Those children already have a father. You took everything away. I stood beside you for 11 years and you lied to me, you used me, you treated me like a possession and tossed me aside. I hurt EVERY DAY. I CRY EVERYDAY. What do you do? You sit and eat with your family. FAMILY, not mom and dad like me, your new MRS. and your new children. You have a FAMILY LIFE, a home, a family unit, you help get them bathed, dressed, fed, but to bed and you and Mrs. snuggle together and make love all night. Because I know you do things for her that you wouldn't for me. I know she is everything I'll never be and could never be.
I hated you today. I went to see grandma and grandpa today & they already knew about the divorce but it isn't fair because I sat crying because grandma had an episode because she fell at the nursing home and has 2 broken vertebrae in her back and she said she saw candy on the ceiling, taffy exactly. And now all grandpa wants to do is color so we brought him lots of colors. The family has began to fight over everything, it has been going on for weeks and in the midst of it someone actually broke in (through a window no less) to help himself. You were there when I needed to be held tonight when my grandmother had to be seen again by the nurse. You weren't there to hold my hand to see my 70 year old grandfather color a picture of Cinderella. You were at home, with you daughters and your new wife enjoying the weekend. I never imagined living life would hurt this much. I don't want to live anymore. This is too much. Even if I didn't see the pictures myself I would still know you're life is great so what does it matter?
Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
Last edited by Rachel; May 30th, 2010 at 12:35 PM.
Reason: remove pics
Brandi, I am very sorry what you are going through, and I know it hurts, but you need to remove the pictures of her & her children from the website.
Taking those pictures and posting them elsewhere is very wrong and unfair no matter how angry and hurt you are; you are taking away their right to privacy, internet or not.
Brandie, pictures lie. If you don't believe me, think of the pictures of you and him. Those were lies too. You don't know how their life is, you only imagine it as being perfect because you're still blaming yourself. This wasn't YOU, this was HIS inability to remain committed to the marriage and it wasn't fair. But you need to stop making his failures YOUR issues because they are not. Don't look at their pictures--they're full of lies and deceipt. You can't possibly know how happy OR UNHAPPY they really are. Stop torturing yourself.
Bran, girl, what you are feeling is normal...a normal part of the he//. I completely understand what you are going through. The rage and anger, the hurt, the betrayal. You have to stop looking at those pictures and comparing yourself to her. That's EXACTLY what he wants...you to see the false sense of happiness those pictures create. And he knows you will...and it will hurt more. You have to exercise self control on this one, though, and avoid it at all costs. My arse got left, too. I just finished what he started because he was too chicken **** to do it himself. I got left for THINGS...things you can buy, material objects you could possess. I got left for greed. I got left for selfishness. I got left because I married a man who didn't take pride in loving and supporting his family financially or any other way for that matter. I married a man that had a single guy mentality and didn't quite understand the level of commitment that a family with 3 children would require. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too....which isn't impossible....but he wanted it NOW. He had no patience or maturity to understand that possessions take time when you have to support and raise a family. He wanted the status of married with a family plus all that money could buy himself. Sacrifice was not a word in his vocabulary. Our priorities didn't match. Mine were meeting the needs of my children and often had to fight him for that. And you know what? He has his little sports car now, and his big truck, and his trashy trailer and lives in a trailer park with all his games, and his beer and his gut to show for it. He is exactly where he needs to be now. He paints the picture to me that all that he is bought himself makes him 'happy'. I know he's not. Deep down....that is not the picture of happy. It only kills the pain for a little while until it wears off and something new or bigger must fill the void.
It's a picture he wants to paint. Dont fall into the little trap....and start comparing yourself to her, staring at their pictures, what you think you lacked, and all the reasons that he left were because of YOU...something was wrong with you, you were too fat, to thin, not pretty enough, your eyes were too small, your nose was too big, your rear was too wide.
You aren't together anymore because he's a DUMBA$$ and you deserve better, that's why. Say it out loud until you believe it. This would be about the time when I would go over to your house, get you into the car in your pajamas (with the cute little slippers), makeup smeared down your cheeks and just drive while you scream.
I really feel your emotion in your posts...you know where you have support and can Pm me anytime if you want.