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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
June 18th, 2010, 10:42 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
Yes, here I am being needy like always I think everything is getting to me, like in a new way. I don't want to talk about how I feel because all I do is repeat myself. I want to quit looking at them online but I can't and then I'm surprised when I'm crushed when I see things. My heart races when I pull up their photobucket and it's waiting to load, my heart races.

But for about a week now all I can do is think about it, think about what he's done. And like I said, I don't want to talk about it because it is the same thing. But seeing their New Orleans trip and her engagement ring and wedding band made me feel like something snapped and I can't explain it. I'm going to try and put it in to words the best I can, but I feel like I must have really been nothing because I was so easily replaced so very quickly. So they must have been very close for a long time or he took a jump off the deep end soon before he told me and then is going all in. I don't if that makes sense. But when I'm driving, I have these conversations with him in my head (but I talk out loud), like my response to the questions he asked me or response to the way he acted for that week after he told me, if I knew then what I know now. Even what I wish I had done to his precious house and I hate that I was numb. That I'm still numb in a way. But it's all I can think about and it is affecting me, like I can't remember things. I've come home several times and remembered I had forgot something and had to turn around and leave before ever getting out of the car, I went shopping and forgot where a very common place was, I ended up driving 45 minutes out of the way because I forgot where it was, I can't remember simple stuff like checking my p.o. box and I honestly feel that it is related to what I cannot get of my mind. I told my mother that I feel like it has gotten to me in the wrong way and that I feel like I'm going insane. She told me I can only go insane if I let it, but I can't get all these thoughts out of my head, the long, long, long list of what ifs and what's going to happen-s. I feel like I can't handle it and not even in a 'I'm so depressed way'. Will this pass? I read a quote and even put it on my facebook, it says that pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Do you think this will pass?
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  #2  
June 19th, 2010, 06:45 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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It WILL pass but no one can say how long it will take. You're not crazy. You're feeling hurt and rejected and yes, we ALL have felt like we must not have mattered or we would not be so easily replaced. You may never know when they actually got together or if he just jumped into this thing with her. The term "rebound relationship" exists for a reason--because so many people DO jump into something right after getting out of a long term relationship and USUALLY the rebound relationship doesn't last. Many times when someone jumps into a rebound relationship it IS someone very different from the person they were with before like she is so different from you. But let's think about that. He fell in love with you because you were the type of woman he was attracted to in the first place. For him to be with someone who is much different is for him to be with someone who "isn't his type". Although there may be an initial attraction because she is so different, people have "types" for a reason and being with someone who isn't your type pretty much dooms the relationship. After all, the newness wears off after a time and if there isn't something left to sustain it, then it will die a natural death. Right now, they're still in the "honeymoon" phase of their relationship. The fact that they are already living together and now planning on getting married says to me that they're constantly trying to get back that "newness"feeling...first by moving in together...then by getting engaged. But eventually, they will run out of tricks and the newness will wear off. Then what? Marriage is a series of ups and downs. Anyone can keep a marriage good while you're riding high but what happens when you hit a low? You have to have a deep love for one another to keep things together then. Deep, long lasting love takes time to develop and you have to have a lot in common. There has to be mutual trust, respect and admiration. In order to have respect and love for someone else, you must first have it for yourself. After all, you know yourself better than anyone else in the world...if YOU can't love and respect yourself, how can you expect someone else to? (and someone who puts pictures of themselves on the internet like she did, definitely does NOT respect herself!) This is one of the main reasons couples argue about the same things over and over. Aside from the obvious fact that nothing ever gets resolved, they don't trust each other to take care not to hurt one another. In essense, you say "If I were you I would be _____(fill in the blank--cheating on me, avoiding me, wanting to stay away from me, wishing you could be with someone else besides me, doing things on purpose just to make me mad, etc) so I EXPECT you to be doing so." Now that casual glance and the pretty girl who just walked by becomes a betrayal. Him talking to one of the neighbor women becomes an affair. Him wanting to go visit a friend becomes a ruse to go see his girlfriend that you just KNOW he has. The money he says he spent on lunch with the guys from work becomes lunch with HER or flowers or some gifts. Every time he walks out the door it's because he doesn't want to be with you so everything he does becomes suspect. Why? Because you just can't believe anyone could love you enough NOT to do those things. Those are self esteem and self respect issues and until they're overcome, a person will most likely have serious relationship issues. You have to learn to love and respect yourself. Once you do, you will KNOW you deserve better than you've been getting in your relationships and NOT just the romantic ones! You'll find that you are suddenly very aware of people you thought of as friends taking advantage of you and treating you poorly. That's because people who have self esteem issues are fair game for users and abusers. People who are your friends are going to be the ones wanting to see you get better and be treated well. They will be joyful when you are happy and when you are sad they will comfort you and tell you how unfair it was for you to be hurt. They will let you grieve and vent as much as you need to but keep you from wallowing in self pity at the same time. They will listen without passing judgement and gently try to protect you if they see you heading for another heartache.
I know how much it hurts you to look at their facebook page. Remember this--people put their best face on for public viewing and hide their dirty laundry. Although they may portray the ideal couple on their page, in all likelihood, their REAL life is far from ideal. You have a woman who doesn't think very highly of herself with a man who has demonstrated his issues with commitment and his willingness to bolt at the first sign of trouble in his relationships. If that isn't a recipe for disaster, I don't know what is. I think the reason you can't stop looking is twofold--
1 You feel a need to punish yourself for some reason. Brandie, you do not deserve this punishment! There is NOTHING you could possibly have done that would make you deserve this!
2 You're hoping to see the trainwreck happen on Facebook. In all likelihood, you won't see anything but the aftermath--the dissolution of the page. Possibly some airing of laundry but for the most part just the "He/She is such a rotten____ and I am glad it's over" and then the page taken down. That probably won't happen just yet. Give it time, though.
You're such a warm and giving person, Brandie. I don't understand why you are so giving and forgiving to everyone but yourself. You've been through so much but for some reason you seem to think you deserve to be hurt more. I wish I could squash that part of you and make it never reappear! You deserve to be happy! Short of drowning a bag of kittens, I seriously doubt anything you could have ever done could qualify you for deserving of this hurt! You have GOT to learn to forgive yourself! You did whatever it is that you did because that is where you were at the time! It's in the past, you are growing and becoming a new person. This new person doesn't deserve to be punished for something the old person did so don't make her pay the price. Forgive her for what she did and chalk it up to immaturity, youth, careless mistakes, inexperience...whatever. It happened, you can't change it so accept and learn from it and move on. EVERYONE makes mistakes in life. It's how we learn and grow. I've made more than my share of them, believe me. Some were real doozies, too! But I know that at the time I did them, I was in a different place mentally and emotionally and I had my own reasons for making those choices. Do I wish I could undo them? HEII YEAH! But I can't so I have learned to forgive myself for being human and making mistakes. You're human too. You would forgive others just about anything...why do you deserve less than they do? The fact is, you deserve more. So forgive yourself and stop punishing Brandie!
As far as the memory issues go, it can be caused by so many things. Stress definitely. Lack of sleep, poor nutrition--too many bad carbs like sugar--I get "foggy headed" if I go on a sugar binge, medications--although I am a firm believer in antidepressants, they can cause a foggy head also. So many other things. Talk to your doctor about what might be causing this. Also note that when we get into a routine of going somewhere the same way each time, our brain goes into a form of autopilot--only noticing certain places that assure us that we're still on the same road, going the right way, etc. Sometimes it comes out of autopilot at a different spot and we suddenly go "Wait! I don't remember that store! When did they put that there?" It's been there all along, it's just that it wasn't necessary for us to remember each and every building along the route to Mom's house so we deleted that one from the memory files. I did that just yesterday on my way to work...and for that brief moment I panicked and thought I was going the wrong way. LOL It seemed as though overnight they had built a shopping center on this stretch of road that I drive every day and even aged it to make it appear to have been there all along. LOL I swear I never noticed it before but...it's been there.
I know how you're feeling Brandie and I know it hurts a lot. None of us wants to feel replacable and when someone seems to move on to someone else so effortlessly, it cuts deep. But remember that you only see what they want you to see. No one can replace you. None of us is replacable. She can't hold a candle to you so he took a step down...someday he will realise that. I just hope YOU do!
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  #3  
June 21st, 2010, 12:43 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
So your just on the 'down' side of the rollercoaster, but one you aren't familiar with...so? Do have certain expectations of exactly where you should be right now, how you should feel? That you should be completely over it?
Bran, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It means maybe it's time to go see a counselor? What I mean is, if you feel this affecting your daily life to the extent you are having a hard time functioning, maybe it would do some good to get into counseling to learn to let go, you know?

Dont be hard on yourself for forgetting things. In fact, that was one of my biggest concerns when I went to see my counselor. It's stress and heartache and it's normal to feel like you want to have a meltdown or be angry, to forget things when all our energy is focused on this traumatic event in our lives. It's normal to feel as if you are going crazy, going insane, etc. That was my norm.

I agree with your quote. It's true. Except, I think that WHEN pain is inevitable, so shall a little suffering be inevitable. HOWEVER, doing things that CAUSE yourself more pain (like looking at their crap online) is self abusive. You have control over that, Bran.

HUGS!
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