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Well Hi, I am new here, and I am having a really hard time with my break-up. Me and Nick were together for just over a year, we have a 4 month old. One night he went out with his friends and was supposed to be fishing and coming home after...no Nick till 11:30. So I told him to pack his stuff and get, and he had his mom come and get everything and moved in with her. The next day, I call him, and he asks to see our baby. So he comes and gets her, Esmerelda is her name, and says that I will never see her again. I end up with a temp. protection order, that ends tomarrow at 10am in court, and I am dying inside without him. Even tho he took my baby, and that almost killed me, I miss him. I have never felt so lonely in my life. I just can't take the thought that he will never come home.....
We werent having any other issues, when he didnt come home, he was at his cousin's house drinking, and I feel like if his mom hadn't gotten in the middle of it, we would still be together. I don't know how to go for the rest of my life without my best friend. I am 29 yrs old, with three kids, my older two are from a previous marriage, and they miss Nick horribly too... I don't know what I did to deserve this, but it must have been terrible. I can't do this....
I am also so scared that the protection order will be dropped, and he will take her somehow before there is a custody arrangement, and I will lose her again.... OMG I am a mess and no one around me understands. What am I supposed to do now.. My family is broken, everything that I was counting on for forever, is over and no more. I shouldn't have told him to go.... I love him so dearly. Apparently I wasn't that much to him tho, its so easy for him to just walk away
The one time that I talked to him since this, before he took the baby, he said that he didn't want to come over and visit her because he didn't want me to "rub on him" and tell him that I love him and want him to come back. Those words hurt so much.
I have also been hearing lately that he is back with his ex-gf that have a daughter together, she just turned 4. I can't deal with this crap! I just want this hurt to end...
Srry, long rant, long intro, I just have no one else to talk to
First of all, you never have to be sorry about venting or anything else you do on here. It's what we're here for. It's better that you post your vents here than to hold it in or take it out on someone...neither is good for you and you have enough on your plate right now.
I don't quite understand a few things--probably because I am just really tired right now. LOL Does he have the baby now? What right did he have to take her in the first place? Do you have a lawyer? If not, I STRONGLY recommend you get one ASAP!!! It sounds like his mother is helping him to try to get custody and if you don't have a lawyer, you stand a good chance of having that happen if the baby is with him now. Judges tend to like to leave the children where they are--with whichever parent is caring for them. If Esmerelda is with your ex now and his mother is taking care of her, a judge COULD decide that it's better for her to leave her where she is rather than to disrupt her even more than the divorce/breakup has. He does NOT have the right to keep your daughter from you and if he has done that, you need to make sure the judge understands that she was taken from you without your consent and that he has not allowed you to see her.
I know that right now it seems like your world is falling apart. I know how desperately lonely and miserable you feel right now. Right now, everything is raw. You need to understand a few things.
#1 YOU did not do ANYTHING to deserve this! No one deserves to be tossed aside like he did you and your kids. No one. You deserved an explanation and for him to face you and allow you to hear his side of why he didn't want the relationship anymore. That being said, if things were ok between the two of you, why would you tell him to leave because he was late getting home--especially if you knew where he was and what he was doing? Was it just anger or were you serious? Does he have a cell phone and did you try to reach him to find out where he was and when he was coming home?
#2 Although I completely agree with you that parents/siblings/friends and anyone outside of the relationship should STAY outside of the relationship and keep their opinions and ideas about the relationship to themselves, no one can cause a good relationship to end by sticking their nose into things. In other words, there must have been problems at least in his mind for his mother to have any affect on what happened. When a couple has a good relationship and they're both secure in it and each other, nothing anyone can say is going to change how they feel. In all likelihood there were problems in the relationship at least in his mind and he was not happy. In time you will look back and see the red flags but right now you're too hurt and too close to it all.
#3 I know you thought of him as your best friend but he apparently didn't share in that opinion or he would not have left and certainly would not have gotten back with his ex in such a short time. You didn't deserve to be treated like this and IMO you will be better off without him. You deserve better and so do your children. Right now, you need to concentrate on getting your daughter back and picking up your life and making it good for you and the kids. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and your kids and wants to be that best friend you thought your ex was. You deserve to be treated like a queen by your partner and to have the security of a loving and devoted man who would never dream of throwing you and the kids away! Someone who treasures you and does right by you. He's out there...you just need to find him. When you do, you will have the happy homelife and family that you have always wanted and that you so richly deserve!
#4 One day (soon, I hope!) the anger is going to hit you. When it does, you will begin to see how much he cheated you out of. You'll see how he shortchanged you emotionally and how undeserving he was and is of the love that you gave him. That's when you will know that you're beginning to heal. When you think "How dare that *&^%$#! How dare he treat ME like this!!!" I hope you'll get angry at all of the things he did to you--not the least of which is taking your baby from you and threatening not to let you see her again! He doesn't have that right and he's a heartless man to think that he does! No man has the right to keep a child from it's mother UNLESS that mother is deemed by the courts as unfit! You're not unfit and the courts didn't tell him to take her away from you...where the heII did he think he had the right to take her???? (I'm mad and I don't even know you! LOL) You fight for your little girl and then you get him for Child support and don't let him off the hook for a DIME!
I hope this helps you and I hope you'll continue to post and keep us updated.
Last edited by Blondzilla; June 20th, 2010 at 06:36 PM.
No, I went to court right away and got her back...but tomarrow is court again and we will have to go to custody court aftert this. When she was gone, I didn't have a second thought about him.... I tossed him cuz he lied and said he was fishing, when he wasn't. He was off drinking with his cousin instead. But it was just anger, I didn't want him to go, but before I even spoke to him, his mom came and took his stuff... We haven't even had a real discussion yet. He didn't have a cell phone, but apparently his friend did, and he could have at least called me. I don't think I'll ever work thru this. I know I made a mistake in saying for him to go. I guess all that their is left to do for me is to pray and ask GOD that I be satisfied with what I have.... I just know in my heart that he is never coming home.
I just want to say a couple things here....(Forgive me if some of my feelings on the mother issue come into this post, because it REALLY irks me beyond belief.) Try to follow along.....just my random thoughts:
My best friend would never just take my child and not return them. Yours would?
My ex did the whole 'mommy rescue me' thing, too. (Oh, Lord, here we go...) Calling her for this and that instead of manning up and getting through our crap together. Here's the thing to be careful of...be careful not to blame her for his immaturity and having the umbilical cord still attached. I blamed my MIL for a LONG time. But why when he's a grown ***** man? THAT is what it comes down to...that they allow it instead of saying you know, mom, I appreciate that you care so much about me/us but I got this. I can move my own crap out. No, they call their mom and cry to them...she kicked me out....sob...sob...(I sound so cold hearted! It's true though!) Rescue mom is on her way! Sick. Lord, help me resist the temptation to EVER be a mother like this and run to the rescue! On the other hand, I learned A LOT of what kind of mother I DONT want to be from her, and what kind of husband that I DID want. That's what I took from that.
Ok, now that I got that out...lol
Why do you regret telling him to leave?
And I think if he was considerate enough and actually cared about what you thought, and how you feel, he WOULD have been honest from the beginning, AND it wouldn't have been a 'CHORE' for him to just call you and let you know that he was running late or said, 'Hi Hon, I'll be home around X time. Just wanted to call and let you know so you didn't worry.'
Lets say he does come back after getting with ex g/f...do you really want him bouncing around between the two of you? That's disgusting, really and none of which you deserve to put up with nor do ANY of ALL these kids that are involved in this mess. Girl, put your foot down. That's nasty. Leave him alone and let him go play, because it surely sounds like that's what he wanted to be doing in the first place if he feels the need to lie to you about it. He broke the trust and you said "Hey, this is NOT okay. Get out." Same thing that I would have done. I think that's healthy.
Do you regret it because you are afraid? Afraid to try to make it with the three kids that you have? Afraid to be alone? How are you going to do it? You were so used to him....Your kids loved him....You need him....Life can't go on without him....Scared to death? Those are the things I said to myself and more!
Here's the thing...I know you mentioned your court date tomorrow-so first things first...If neither of you had court orders who the custodial parent was, but you had your daughter all the time except for when he did not return her, then I would strongly suggest you put in the parenting plan that he not be allowed to take her within say 50 miles of where YOU reside, not out of state and definitely not out of the country on any circumstance because of this incidence. And if he violated this, then he could get into a heap of trouble for kidnapping. I know you are worried about your daughter, and honestly, after that, you have right to be worried AND request certain things because he made a stupid choice. But saying to you that you will never see her again is a threat and it is using your baby to intimidate you. Dont let him do that to you! A mother's protection is more powerful than you think! When you think you can't go on anymore...you do. When you endure it all the way to the end, you wonder how.
Im going to stop right there. I wish you the very best in court, that you have a judge with wisdom and holds him responsible for that and that you get a parenting plan and custody in place. Orders.
Ok. So from what I understand it sounds like you two had a fight? I understand you've heard he's back with his ex, but were you guys having problems before this? Have you two agreed to a divorce? Have you filed for divorce or has he?
Protection order: I am surprised you got one since from reading over your post you said there was no abuse. That is very odd to even get one without have a police report of some type of abuse or domestic violence. I can't stress enough that what I'm going to tell you varies from state to state but I work in law enforcement and sadly know a little of how things work as far as custody related IN MY STATE. The protection order will more than likely be dropped because if there is no significant reason (abuse, child abuse, dangerous environment) there is no purpose for it, and usually it takes a lot to have it upheld due to the fact that parents will have to communicate with each other due to the fact they have a child (organizing visits, holidays, and in case of emergencies). But having a protection order does keep him away from the residence.
That being said, having a protection order does NOT mean that he doesn't have rights to the child unless it is stated specifically in the order. Now I'm going to tell you something that will make you have a panic attack but this, again, is how it works in MY STATE, it may be different in yours. Ok. Each parent has equal rights to the child (even WITH a custody agreement). If he takes the child, law enforcement cannot remove the child. I tell this to every person on here I meet with children to make sure they contact their local law enforcement agency because it is the most heartbreaking thing I deal with. So if he doesn't bring her back, you have to go to family court and file an emergency custody order, or a "pick up order" and that has to be signed by a judge an issued directly from the judge's office to the law enforcement agency that gives them rights to remove the child from the home. So you can do this if he refuses to bring her back but keep in mind you do not have to give him the child (even WITH a custody order) but he could always file the same emergency motion with a judge to have the child removed from you. When you have children, it gets very complicated.
I would highly, highly stress for you to seek legal council, if you can't afford it call around and see if where you live has something called Legal Aide, where attorney's offer reduced fees for those who have a lower income. My town has it and a girl I know got her divorce AND custody work all done for free. I also suggest you call your local law enforcement and ask them if your husband doesn't bring you child back, what can be done. More than likely they will advise you it is a civil matter. You should tell them that you have no custody papers yet, and even if you did what would happen if he didn't bring your child back. What has to happen when someone breaks custody agreements (a civil matter) you have to go back to court (that means paying an attorney again) to address that he or you have broken custody agreements.
I hope it all works out for you but just so you know, I don't have any children so I can't imagine what you are going through but I do have a protection order against my husband. He had abused me for years and abused me the morning I confronted him about his affair. He actually called the police on me (the agency I work for) and said I "jumped" him. He's 6'4, almost 300 pounds. I'm no little girl myself but I was injured (not too terribly bad) but enough for him to actually go to jail for assault. This all happened on a Friday night and I went Monday morning to have my order drawn up (and I could only do it because I had a police report & added the fact he had been taken to jail). We also had a court hearing but he filed for divorce that morning to have the protection order thrown into divorce court but for right now my protection order (also known as a no contact order) is in effect until we go to divorce court.
All you can do is provide all the proof you do have and explain the situation. In divorce and even child custody, it is all left up to that judge so all you can do is provide all the information you have and hope for the best. I'm sorry you're having to go through with this but if you still care for him, ***my opinion only*** you should ask him if you guys can talk and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same, then you have to start the process of moving forward because if he doesn't feel the same, he will just continually use you and still do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and that's not fair to you (I had to learn this myself after begging my husband to stay, saying I would anything....and I literally meant ANYTHING---before I knew he was cheating of course. Now I feel like an idiot ).