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20 yr old...in need of some ADVICE! MAJOR! PLEASE HELP!


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
June 25th, 2010, 05:34 PM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 19
Hi Ladies!

So me (age 20) and my BF (age 21) have been together for a little over a year but today, but I think we're through :'(

Idk what his problem is and I still have no idea what to do I love him sooo much and I don't want to loose him. Today he told me HE WAS TIRED OF ME...and didn't want to have to buy me things if he didn't feel like it. I make more than him and bought him an HDTV for our anniversary; he got me nothing. I told him it would be nice to get a little surprise every now and then. Today, I went over to his house to give him a CD and we got into the hugest argument I was in tears! I didn't even want to come to work today.

He has this big issue with money and I told him I didn't care if he couldn't buy me anything for the rest of our lives all I want was our relationship back to the way it was before all this drama. I didn't wait for his respond because I walked out and left. We talked a little after through texts but all I did was curse him out and tell him how horrible he was. I just have no idea what to do. I want him back but I don't know what to do to fix this.

I'm just so lost! I'm a gorgeous girl, I have a lot going for myself, I'm VERY smart, in school with about a year left, I have a great job, very independent, loyal, faithful, treat him with the upmost respect...His family loves me. We were even engaged at one pointe but I told him I wanted to wait. We've gone through a still birth, problems with my parents, cancer scare, depression...EVERYTHING, he's been there for me...he's been that support I needed; I've been the support he's needed.

I'm so lost, want to fix this but I have no idea what to do. I want our relationship back, so what should I do? We have a date tomorrow....that we're still going on (weird...I know) but should I leave him alone, stop calling, texting, trying? Should I go on the date and talk about things? Please help!!
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  #2  
June 25th, 2010, 08:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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OK first of all, I'm not going to tell you that you're too young and you shouldn't be thinking about permanence because I am certain you have heard it a thousand time already. I'm also not going to point out the obvious fact that if you're not ready to commit to someone you certainly aren't ready to have a child with them because I am equally certain you have heard that too.
What I will tell you is that if you have been having problems and you aren't getting them resolved, they will fester and destroy any chance you two have at a life together. One of the things that is hardest for people to do when they get together is learn how to truly and effectively communicate with one another without yelling and cussing. Emotions run high and when things aren't solved, they get brought up again and again. It comes across as nagging. It isn't, it's just that it was never effectively dealt with.
The fact that you mentioned to him that you would like little surprises every now and again (and I DO NOT think that is unreasonable at all!) says that it means something to you. Apparently it does not to him. One of the best things I can share with you is a book by Dr Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages This book tells you exactly what's going on in your situation with the gifts. It's something both of you should understand if you do get back together. Basically what he says is that people show and feel love in different ways. To you, buying him a new TV was a way of saying "You mean so much to me and I love you" To him, it means he has a new TV. I don't know what his way of showing love is because I don't know him but it most likely is not buying gifts. It may be making you something...spending time with you instead of someone else, sharing something he enjoys with you...etc. To you, it doesn't say "love". By understanding how you both show your love for each other, you begin to "see" it when it is shown. You can also show him love HIS way and vice versa. It's very frustrating when someone doesn't show you love the way you want to be shown or the way you are used to it or understand it because it doesn't FEEL like love. Once you learn how they show love, you begin to see it every day.
One thing I noticed is you're very quick to point out that you make more money than him and how "gorgeous" you are and "smart" and all the rest. I don't mean this to sound mean and I hope you won't take it as such but people tire of that line very quickly. If you are repeatedly tell him (verbally or in other ways) that you make more than him, are so great (the unspoken ending to that is of course that you could easily replace him), etc--in essense what you are saying to him is that he is beneath you. Is that really the message you want to send to the love of your life? NO! You want him to knkow that you think he's terrific and that you're lucky to have such a wonderful man. Take it down a notch. Looks fade...you will learn this in a few years. Even intelligence slips in time. And for many men, it's emasculating when a woman has a higher income than he does. Don't rub his nose in it by buying him expensive gifts that he can't compete with. Instead, find out what says love to him and do that. It's also annoying if you're constantly needing reassurance that he finds you attractive and wanting him to tell you how pretty you are. (I get the feeling that may also be happening) Not uncommon with women your age because they aren't quite secure in who they are and where their value lies yet. Your value doesn't lie in the way you look. Physical beauty is something to look at but when all is said and done, there has to be more to the package than just the wrapping paper! So don't focus on the outside, focus on that inner strength that you possess--the strength that got you through the loss of a child and a cancer scare and all the rest. That is what you need to lean on and nurture and be proud of. And I know that you have probably been told all of your life how pretty you are and all that. I heard it all too. There will always be someone prettier or who makes more money or has a bigger house or a newer car or a better wardrobe or more money in the bank etc etc...but no one can compete with what you have INSIDE. That is something that can never be replaced. Once you TRULY understand that, you will realise that the rest is just not that important.
Although statistics are against this being the relationship that will carry you to the end of your days, it could happen. It will take a great deal of hard work but if you put forth the effort, it will be worth it in the end. Relationships are like roller coasters--full of ups and downs and twists and turns. Anyone can be "happy" on a high...when everything is going right and love is all you know. The true test of any relationship is when things aren't going so well. How do you handle things like that? Do you pull together to win the battle or do you fight each other? Do you lean on each other for comfort and support? Or do you feel lonely and resentful? You sound like you are able to lean on each other for support and love very well...but I don't think you have learned yet to pull together. Figure out what you're really fighting about--in the case of the gifts it's because he isn't showing you love YOUR way so you don't see it. There are probably other things you're not seeing and he isn't seeing that are making you clash like that. You've got to learn to talk to each other instead of fighting each other. Learn to talk without emotional words like "hate"--"I hate it when___--,"you make me"--"You make me so mad when you___", "Always"--"You always____", "Never"--"You never___". With very few exceptions people don't "always" do something or "never" do something and saying you "HATE" something he does comes across as I hate YOU when YOU ____...there are other ways to say things that aren't as destructive as that. Another good habit to get into is sandwich the negatives between two positives. Instead of saying "You hurt me" say "You're such a loving person most of the time that it really surprised me when you hurt me like that. I'm used to you being so sweet and supportive toward me. What happened?" By doing so, you're telling the person that this hurtful, destructive behavior was not in character for them and you know they aren't mean and hurtful all the time but they did or said something hurtful this one time and you're also acknowleging the sweet, loving, supportive person they have been to you so often. And, you've asked for an explanation for this sudden change in behavior--what's the FIRST thing he's going to say? "I'm sorry!" Isn't that what we're looking for to begin with? He now knows he has not only hurt you, but let you down in doing so. He's sorry he hurt you and that he may have dropped a notch in your eyes. Another thing to remember--and this was a hard one for me to learn(as you may have noticed, I tend to get a little verbose LOL)--is to shut up and let him tell his side of things. Let him talk about how HE feels about what you said. It's hard not to interrupt and correct him and defend yourself and explain. DON'T! Let him speak THEN tell your side. If he interrupts, calmly ask him to let you say what you have to say and then you will listen to his side. Repeating back the essense of what he said or what YOU think he said can also keep misunderstandings to a minimum. When he stops talking, start with "Ok so correct me if I am wrong but you're upset because I said ___ and it hurt your feelings?" or "So when I said ___ it hurt you." He may not be feeling "hurt" he may feel more offended or insulted. Understanding exactly what the issue is is the FIRST step to dealing with it effectively. If he were to say "You're pi**ed off because I didn't buy you some stupid ___" you'd probably say "No, I am HURT that you don't think enough of me to buy me a present once in a while" You're not really angry...you're feeling unloved, unappreciated and undervalued.
I hope that helps. I also hope you weren't offended by anything I said. I really only mean to help--not hurt or insult or offend. I also hope you'll keep us posted on how things go. (and sorry for the book length response...it's the writer in me. LOL)
HUGS!
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  #3  
June 25th, 2010, 08:35 PM
ValyntineG's Avatar Based on a True Story
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas and stuff
Posts: 6,414
I'm going to be a little harsh with you... but you're going to need to trust me on this one:

If you are all of the things you listed above, then you're a good catch. However, you are young... sound desperate... and you need to tone down the drama. If you want a guy back, then you have to send him on his way. If someone is BREAKING UP with you, then let them. Do not call, text, email, facebook etc. PERIOD. Ever. And no, you don't go on a "date" with someone that broke up with you. That's ridiculous.

Tell him that you agree with his decision to break up. Tell him you also need space and it'll be a good thing. Say that it would probably be better if you guys didn't talk for a bit, but that you hope in the future you can be friends.

THEN, leave him the heck alone. He'll miss you and he'll come crawling back. If he doesn't, then since you're not still talking to and/or obsessing over him, you'll be in a good position to move on.

No contact. No drama. This should be your mantra.
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  #4  
June 25th, 2010, 09:16 PM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 19
Thanks to both of you. It's really what I needed. I hate going to my friends for advice because they are so "pro" to our relationship. And I really needed an unbiased opinion. You guys helped me so much I started crying reading your posts. He insisted that we still go on our date; I have no idea why...But going on it sounds crazy now. We do need time apart and if he ever wants to talk about it I'll let him bring it up. He left me and I need to move on. I do want this to work but I don't think we should mend it just yet. I did go through some things where I felt as if he didn't appreciate me and I felt "ugly"...and it's amazing that you said my way of showing my love is through gifts...that's so true. I always find myself looking for the best gifts...it's like I get a 'high" when I see his face light up in appreciation. His way is spending QT together--we went on a week long vacation (just me and him) and it was amazing.

I'm so shocked now because I feel like maybe the majority of this happened because of me and my demands, wishes, and desires. I do say "you never____" and "you always___". How selfish of me...when I always called HIM the selfish one. I need to forget about Him and work on ME right now. You guys have no idea how much weight just got lifted off of my chest! I thank you guys SO MUCH!
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  #5  
June 28th, 2010, 10:48 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
I think it's a very very good thing you decided to postpone getting married...to like...oh I dont know....NEVER.
And he says he's tired of you....Maybe you all have been through the ringer together, whatever....sometimes things are only meant for a season.

I believe all those things you say about yourself. That you are gorgeous, smart, treat him with respect all of that....but then if you believe all those things about yourself, why would you still want to go on a date when he says he's tired of you? And if you treat him with the utmost respect, why is that not returned? That would be a warning sign to me....

Good luck!
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