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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
June 26th, 2010, 05:40 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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I got a text from my ex on Wed. He said he had something to tell me he thought I should know. So, I asked what. He said "don't worry about the whole still legally married thing, do what you want, I am"...so, I asked if he had met someone, and he said not officially yet, but soon (I have NO clue what that means, but am assuming he is interested in someone). I don't really care. The thought actually made me VERY happy, b/c I have been seeing someone for about a month. Sooo...that is fine, makes sense as to why he has been so nice to me and acting the way he is lately. Whatever it takes, FINE! LMAO! However, he is slinking on his rights to take the kids. He hardly wants them. Our "agreement" we came up with for visitation is ridiculous, IMO. Now, I adore my children, but want them to know their father, as he is now, changed, not as angry. BUT that hasn't changed him from being a selfish *****. So...that said, he wants them every other weekend, which I assumed meant Friday night to Sunday evening...NO! He wants them weekends he WORKS (he has every other weekend off)...and on those weekends he takes them he wants them after 1pm, until Sunday at like 7pm. I am shocked...he was like "call me selfish, but I need Joel time, for fishing and hunting on the weekends I have off"...God! I cannot believe I married this idiot! Then, he took Madison to his brothers wedding 2 hours away, b/c she was the flower girl. We aren't starting the visitation agreement until July 1st, so he usually takes them Sunday afternoons, gives them time with dad, and me time for myself. Well, he decided that since he wasn't leaving the wedding until 8pm...that he isn't taking them tomorrow afternoon! I mean, granted, I haven't seen Maddy since yesterday morning, I miss her tons, I cried last night (I am not used to having my kids away from me...especially far away), and so I will enjoy time with her, BUT when do I get me time? When the kiddos go to bed, I am cleaning, doing laundry, then I crash. My mom tells me I need to make him take them, but if I ever go for full custody (which probably will happen someday) this will look bad for him. So, I am leaving it be, and documenting it. Does it ever get routine and normal? I have a feeling it won't, not with him. I think he will constantly do this to me. I wasn't planning on introducing the kids to the guy I am seeing so soon (although he is amazing and sweet as pie, and has full custody of 3 kiddos of his own ) but I might have to. I want to spend time with him too...and if my ex keeps pulling this crap, I may not have a choice. This is just plain crazy I am so beyond sick of it. Any suggestions would be awesome! Thanks ladies for lettng me vent.
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  #2  
June 27th, 2010, 04:36 PM
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OK first of all, chances are very high that he is going to pull this stuff more and more and cancel A LOT of weekends so prepare yourself for dealing with your children's heartache over the rejection by their father--because that is exactly what they will see it as...HIM rejecting THEM. DOn't make excuses for him, don't talk about him in a negative way just say "I don't know honey. Why don't you call him and ask him". Make HIM answer those questions like "Don't you WANT to see us?" Make HIM accept responsibility for his actions and deal with their broken hearts. You just love them and let them know that you want them with you all the time.
As for your new guy, tread very carefully here. The LAST thing you want is to wind up parading a string of guys in and out of their lives. As a rule, until you think it's possibly a permanent relationship the kids should stay out of it. Kids tend to get attached very easily and if the relationship isn't going to last, what's the use in getting them all excited about someone only to have him suddenly disappear from their lives? You also want to be careful of the impression they get about you and dating. You don't want them thinking you're dating a whole bunch of guys or that you go through a bunch of guys during the next few years. My kids only met 2 of the guys I dated. One was very serious--he had bought a ring but hadn't given it to me yet...then we wound up breaking up... and one I wound up marrying. I dated DOZENS but they never knew. I would tell them I was going to see a friend...going out with my sister...going to visit grandma for the day...but not that I had a date because I didn't want them to get any ideas about what might have been going on (they were also older--10 and 14 when I divorced.) By the time I met and married my husband, they were 15 and 19. As teenagers, they definitely would have wondered if there was any sex involved and if I had talked about different men I was seeing, then ....well they might have gotten ideas about me that I would prefer they not think. LOL That's why I strongly recommend that you don't introduce them to anyone you aren't very serious about. (Also, you don't want them to say anything bad about someone and make you feel like you have to defend him to your kids or choose between them or anything like that)
Ask your mother to help you out. Can the kids stay at Grandma's when you and your guy have some time you want to spend together without kids? Or maybe a friend's house? Have you met his kids? Are they similar in age to your kids? When the time is right, that may be the best way to break the ice--get the kids together. Take them all someplace special. Be prepared to answer questions about your guy and your relationship with him. Kids catch on real fast and they will want to know allllllllllll the details!!!
I hope that helps. Let us know how things go!!!
HUGS!
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  #3  
June 27th, 2010, 05:16 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Yes...I have planned to keep him separate from the kiddos. We have talked for a month, dating for a month. I have talked/dated a few different guys that they (and most other people for that matter, lol) will NEVER know about. He does have children, 3 in fact. Their ages are 10, 8, and 3 and my 2 are 6 and 3. So, pretty similar, which is GOOD! My guy has been through LOTS in his life as well. His first wife was murdered ( and NO he didn't do it...I have gotten all the details, LOL)...and even though he was separated from her at the time, it has still been very hard on him. He was left with the 2 girls ages 5 and 3 and he was only 25. Then, his second wife he said he married out of panic. He was young, and feared raising the girls alone. Which was a drastic mistake on his part, she turned out to be physically and emotionally abusive to his girls. She had their son, who he now has custody of. So, he is a single dad. His second wife also kicked him in the back while he was carrying Carter (when he was only 6 months old) and tried to make him fall down the stairs. He has had such a hard time...so we both have been through alot. Neither of us wants to rush things, but both of us want an ultimately serious relationship. He is sweet, kind and very loving...and we are both getting to the point of wanting to take it to the next level of meeting the kiddos. His girls know about me, and are dying to meet me. Mine don't know about him...yet. But, honestly a big part of that was fear of my daughter (she is the 6 year old) telling my ex about him, and then worrying about him trying to fight me for full custody b/c he was jealous or something. Now that he is ready to date again, I feel like I can do this a little sooner than I planned. I think getting the kids together is a wonderful idea.

As far as me jumping from relationship to relationship, I have never done that, up until the separation, and it was (unfortunately...I am loyal like a dog, it is very sad, but good in a way too) always to find a serious relationship. I don't like dating, hate "playing the field" it just isn't me. I had a few minor relationships, I think more to "get it outta my system" then anything. I will thank my mom for that. I have never dated, or anything like that. My mom suggested I should, to see what it is like. So, I did. I ended up getting very hurt a couple times, and I just don't think it is worth it. Then, I met Adam, and he just is amazing. I haven't felt this way about someone in a loooong time, and it feels nice. I have NEVER had anyone attentive of MY needs and wants. Never had anyone walk into a store to pay for gas, and come out with 3 roses just for me or tear up when I have to go...it is weird. Is that normal? Is this how guys act? Cuz, I have always been under the impression they are supposed to be all tough and crap. LOL...IDK, but he even admits to being scared over scary movies..it is too funny, and he is HOT to boot, lol...ok...I will stop. I could go on and on about him, but the point is, that yes, I am waiting for intros with the kiddos, and I totally agree about not wanting my kids to know about all the dates I go on with him, etc. Yes, my parents watch them or when they go with my ex is when we spend time together. We only see each other about once a week, cuz he also lives an hour away, which is good for now too. Thanks!! I appreciate it, hon!
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  #4  
June 27th, 2010, 05:33 PM
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Oh he sounds awesome! Tom is like that too. We've laid in bed watching movies and he's gotten emotional at the really sad parts and jumped a few times at scary ones. LOL I find that completely endearing!
It sounds like Adam is a very secure man who doesn't mind showing his emotions. That's good. Have you talked about getting the kids together? Yes, you can expect your kids to run back to dad with stories of "mommy's new boyfriend" and if your ex is seeing someone, it will most likely be well received. HOWEVER, if his relationship fails, expect him to question you and give you his opinions on every single little thing you do until you are to the point where you're ready to tell the kids you'll rip their arms off and beat them to death with them if they tell daddy one more thing. LOL My ex was really fast with advice and to tell me what NOT to do and what I need to do and how I was moving way too fast and blah blah blah. Well excuse me, Mr Sensitivity who never could understand how cruel it was to lay in bed next to his wife who was crying and not even ask if she's ok...now I need advice from YOU? I'm thinking NOT! LOL And he told me sooooooo many times how I was making a huge mistake with Tom and I was moving too fast and how I didn't know him and should wait a few years to get married...like maybe until HE got married? LOL Oh, it's going to be fun. LOL
I really hope things work out with Adam. He sounds wonderful! Keep us posted!!!!
HUGS!
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  #5  
June 28th, 2010, 03:49 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Thanks Dani, I will! And, yeah...the whole "laying in bed while your crying thing"...yeah, my ex did that too! And he is ALWAYS telling the kids "no crying!" um...excuse me, but there is NOTHING wrong with crying! I have already been told I will become a ****, and ***** and meet a guy who will beat me up, b/c if I met him and didn't stop him in the 3+ years he did this with the kids, why wouldn't I meet someone who would be worse? Yeah...I have heard it all. Oh, and apparently NO ONE is as good as he is and I won't find better...well, honey...I have and he is a great man! But, and call me weird...I am scared for him to find out about Adam. I think it's b/c IDK how he will react and I don't want him to fight me for full custody...not that he would get it, but you know?
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  #6  
June 28th, 2010, 05:51 PM
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As long as you are not causing the children harm by exposing them to things they should not be exposed to, he can't get custody just because you're dating. He'd have to prove that he could provide a much more wholesome environment for the children to be raised in and that you would be unfit. From what you've said, that's not the case so don't worry about it. I know how it feels though. My divorce was final and I still didn't want my ex to know I was dating. LOL Like you, I take my vows very seriously and it felt like I was cheating on him--although we had been separated for 11 months by the time the divorce was finalized and I only dated casually--no sex--until I became seriously involved with my last boyfriend. (he was the one I introduced to the kids to and who had bought a ring for me but never proposed --thank God. LMAO) I also dreaded his reaction to Tom and me getting married but by that time I had pretty much gotten over the whole "what will his response be" issue and adopted the "I don't give a flying flip what he thinks" one. LOL Growth can be a wonderful thing. LOL
Anyway, in all likelihood, your fear of what his reaction will be is probably far worse than what it will really be. I hope so anyway. LOL
HUGS!
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  #7  
June 28th, 2010, 10:31 PM
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I loved reading this post! So sweet! I am so happy for you....I want to read on like a chapter book!

That is really great how you kept the kids out of it. 5 kids total, then? Tee hee hee....that's nothing! He sounds great!

Im so excited to see where this goes! Will you keep updating? It's like a good chapter book! Who cares what ex says, really. He can't do anything about it. Or you just want him to be involved with someone too? The kids are totally going to spill the beans...there's nothing he can do...he can run to court and complain that you are dating or have a boyfriend or whatever...SO?

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  #8  
July 4th, 2010, 06:55 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Well...of course I will keep updating! I actually met Adam's kids this weekend. My ex introduced his "girlfriend" of all of 4 days (the wedding I talked about last weekend? Yeah...he brought Maddy home on Saturday b/c they had a date that night...at 11pm? What the heck kinda date is that? Booty call? Good lord!) this past Wednesday. I was NOT happy about it. Here I have dated Adam for 2 months (well, talked for a month, dated for a month) and haven't introduced them quite yet...and here he introduces this chick he met a week ago? Wow. I was in shock...didn't know what to say to him...he warned me ahead of time (which was appreciated) that he would have "company" that night when I brought the kiddos over for supper. So, I decided that it was time on my end too. I met his kids yesterday, all 3 of them. They are adorable, sweet kids. Unfortunately due to the murder of their mother at such a young age, they crave female attention. They have warmed up to me very fast, and as much as I love it, I am scared. I see no reason that this won't work for Adam and I...but who knows what the future holds, and I don't wanna hurt them. My kids are fairly more resilient...but them too. We have planned a picnic lunch for tomorrow...he is bringing the kids up here. So, we are meeting at the beach for all of them to play together. A more relaxed environment for a first meet of the kids. I am excited, scared and so happy all together. Scared b/c I am totally falling for this guy! I am really trying not to! LOL! We went to dinner last night, and saw Eclipse after (good movie!)...and it was just all in all a great night. So, tomorrow is the big day for my kiddos. IDK why I am so nervous...
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  #9  
July 4th, 2010, 07:07 PM
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I'm so excited for you! And I'm so sorry your ex is so weird! But how many arent.. right? But I'm very excited you met someone so wonderful! Let us know how the day goes!
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  #10  
July 5th, 2010, 04:47 PM
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OK I am DYING to know how things went! I hope everything went so well that you're on cloud 9 and can't think about anything but him....so you forgot about us. LOL
HUGS!!!!
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  #11  
July 6th, 2010, 05:41 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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LOL...you girls are awesome! Things went very well He is so amazing it is just beyond me. IDK how I got so lucky this time around, but he is a keeper. My ex, however, apparently thought I was just making this guy up, b/c when maddy told him about Adam, he was like "he is real?" LMAO...I LOVE IT! So, when he brought the kids home yesterday he wasn't very happy. Oh well...at least I waited to do introductions. In any case, we took ALL 5 of the kiddos to Walmart to get some lunch supplies and beach supplies. I paid for the food, he paid for the beach supplies. I think he went overboard, but he has more money than I do atm. So, we spent about 3 hours at the beach, kids had a blast, wore them all out. He stayed until about 730 last night (why I didn't come on here, b/c I had to get the kiddos bathed and to bed)...I am so deliriously happy, IDK how I am standing this! LOL! I hate that he lives an hour away now...where before I loved it, lol. He has invited us all to go camping this weekend, we will see. I don't have a tent, neither does he...and I hate having him spend money. So, we may just rent a few movies and have a family movie night type thing. We don't know yet. However, I FINALLY have a whole weekend off, so I am taking advantage of it! And, OMG I have to say the man is an AMAZING kisser....like one of those "leg pop" type kisses....

In other news.....I called Legal Aide so that I can get this divorce crap over with. He is being very agreeable to everything. I need MAJOR advice here girls. MAJOR MAJOR advice. I asked her (after telling her all he has done over the years) if down the road, after the divorce was final and all if I had a shot at full custody. These are MY kids, I have raised them by myself (except financially). So, she told me that if I were to have an order in place (like joint or whatever) that it will be a LOT harder to obtain full custody b/c I can only go by what happens between the joint custody order and the time of the full custody petition. Soooo she recommends that if I really want full custody, to do it now. I am sooooo scared. I don't want him to kidnap the kids before court happens. I KNOW he would retaliate, he has a super good lawyer, and I know that according to the lawyer I talked to today that doesn't mean anything, but still, scared as heck. IDK if I should do it or not. I don't want him to have say where I take the kids to church, how I raise them, etc...but he can if he has joint custody. So, IDK. What would you all do? The lawyer I talked to today says I have VERY good chances of getting it, but not if I wait...so IDK. I am so confused, scared and just wanting this over. Joel is agreeing to EVERYTHING right now, so IDK if I should just keep things calm and let him have joint? TIA for your advice.
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  #12  
July 7th, 2010, 06:18 AM
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CONGRATULATIONS on everything going so well! Sounds like you are indeed on cloud 9 where he is concerned! LOL I love it! You deserve it!
On the custody issue, I guess my question would be do you think he WOULD actually try to tell you where the kids can go to church, etc? It sound to me like he is almost an absentee father already and doesn't really care that much about anything. If you think that will change and he would try to dictate things like that, then yes I would go for it. OR do you think he would actually understand the difference? Maybe you could sneak that one past him. LOL (I could have with my ex) Many people think joint custody means the kids spend equal time with each parent. Full custody with visitation might make him think it means the kids live with you and he gets to see them every other weekend. Does he have a lawyer or is he letting you do all that and he'll just sign the papers? I guess if it's something you WANT, then go for it now.If he questions it, tell him "This way I don't have to burden you with filling out school papers for field trips and all that kind of stuff. I can just tell you the kids are going on a field trip and fill out the forms myself."
Hope that helps!
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