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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
June 26th, 2010, 09:23 PM
scrapbug's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 64
So, My SO and I have lived together for 7 years. We have two kids together. About a month ago, he started acting strange. We play an online game, and when I would go to bed he would still be on there and would hide the chat box when I came in the room. I confronted him on it and said that he was doing nothing wrong, that this chick lives in CO, we are in OH, and that since he was doing nothing wrong that it was not going to stop. Well, it started getting more and more obvious that something was going on, so last week while he was napping, I checked his cell and sure enough they are texting, talking on the phone and according to a text, emailing. They were also using I Love You....something he hasn't said to me since I confronted him the first time. So, yesterday I brought it up again and he admitted it all and said that it was my fault somehow...whatever. He says I pushed him to her because I don't have time for him. I am the only one bringing any income into the house for 2 years now and I make 7.30 an hour, and go to school full time plus have the kids and house to take care of. So, I said we needed to figure out what we were doing. He said it was too much to think about right now. Oh well. I am paying July's rent for the townhouse and then talking to the landlord about downsizing to a smaller apartment for me and the kids. He can go stay with his mom, which will be fun since she thinks he has been working. I am going through a whirl wind of emotions...I thought I was over it since I somewhat knew what was going on, but then I think about my kids and how they are going from a 2 parent house to just me and them, how I am going to come home from work and it will be just me and the kids and once they go to bed it will be just me. It makes me mad that I have given my all for 7 years only to be pushed aside from someone not even in the same state. Part of me gets excited at times thinking that I can find someone at some point that really loves me and may actually marry me instead of just live with me for 7 years, and someone who may want to have more children. I am just so confused right now I think....
Thanks for listening......
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  #2  
June 27th, 2010, 05:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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Ok first of all, why hasn't he been working? There is just NO excuse for him sitting around expecting you to not only bring home the money, but take care of the house and the kids and everything else while he sits on his butt talking to some chick in Colorado!!! Yep. Kick him to the curb. That boy needs to grow up and learn what it is to be a man and a father. I wonder how Miss Colorado will like supporting him. You deserve better and you will find it! It will be an adjustment for you and the kids but I think what you will find once you begin to get used to it is that you actually enjoy the time to yourself and you're not as stressed as you were with him. I was alone for over 5 years between the time I divorced my first husband and the time I met and married my soulmate. During that time, I grew and learned about myself and what I wanted in a man. I am so glad I did! I found someone who is my very best friend and whom I love with all my heart. equally important, I am all those things to HIM as well. We have been married now for 3 and a half years and not once have we fought or argued or even had a minor disagreement!!! We talk about things until we are both satisfied that it's been resolved and 90% of the time we're so in tune with each other that we could finish each other's sentences. I know what he wants--sometimes even better than he knows himself! Conversely, he knows what I need when I am confused and needing some reassurance or confidence because something is bothering me at work or with the kids. He is exactly what I had always dreamed a partner should be! You deserve that too and you can have it! Don't feel bad about the 7 years--you got two wonderful kids out of those years! You had some good times and now you are ready to move on. I was with my ex for 22 years. I used to be angry about "wasting my youth on him". But I would not have my kids if I hadn't and they are definitely not a waste! If I hadn't stayed with him I might have met someone else and not been as happy as I am now. It worked out the way it was supposed to work out--just as your life will. Learn from this and grow. Use the time alone to figure out exactly what you want in a partner and what you want your life to be like in 5,10,20 years or more. Work on YOU and become the best you can be. Build your self confidence and be proud of who you are. Love your kids...and yourself. You deserve that too!
I hope this helps. It's going to be hard--no mistake about that. But you can do it! You are worth so much more than he's been giving you and NO ONE deserves to be cheated on--and online infidelity is just as much cheating as physical sex is. You did NOTHING to cause this--THIS WAS ALL HIM!!!! Don't believe for a SECOND that you made him do this! What? He doesn't have the ability to say "No, it's wrong and I am not going to do it"? He doesn't have the ability to come to you and say "I need more time with you" or "I'm not happy and I would like for us to do something about getting our relationship back on track"? SINCE WHEN!!! Right now he says he isn't sure what he wants to do because he is not sure what SHE wants to do! Don't let the two of them determine your life! Take control and tell him it is NOT your fault, it's his own fault and he can explain to his mother why he needs to move back with her and can't pay her anything because he doesn't have a job. He's been using you as his mommy for 2 years...let his real mommy take care of him. Let him explain why he decided to cheat on you with someone else. As you may be able to tell, I have NO TOLERANCE for cheaters who try to blame the other person for their decisions. I have 3 rules I live by--NO SECOND CHANCES for CHEATING, LYING or PHYSICAL ABUSE. NONE! I don't care how sorry someone is or how they promise it will never happen again--NO SECOND CHANCES! I've given second chances before and it just made a fool of me. I strongly recommend you take that stance with him. He's got to learn there are consequences for his actions. So far, he doesn't seem to have learned anything.
HUGS! You deserve better!
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  #3  
June 27th, 2010, 08:00 PM
MzzMommaD's Avatar Sleepy Rat Rattery
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 1,063
I agree with Blondzilla. I was in the same shoes as you are now for a whole two years. My ex just sat around, couldn't hold a job for more than a month, in the 2 years only worked 3 jobs. I had 2 heart surgeries because of his abuse to me and my son. I now have a pacemaker that without it, i wouldn't be alive. AND that whole time, pregnancy right up to surgery and starting the day I got home from surgeries I was already back to taking care of the whole house, our son, working 2 jobs and school full time. He would sit there on the computer playing games. I would come home, my son would be strapped into a car seat or bouncer in a pool of urine. He always blamed me when something wasn't spotless, or our son pooped, or was crying or he couldnt buy cigarettes or go out with his friends cause he had no money. Finally when our son was 6 months old I had finally had enough of his lazy ***** bull that i kicked him out of the apartment, and he was being charged by the state. But that whole time he was blaming me for everything. I later found out he was cheating on me with my best friend as well as several other girls, doing coke, meth and weed. Drugs were done with our son present all the time. I nearly killed him.

But today it has been almost a year since I have seen him, I'm married to my soulmate. All it took was that little bit of courage to speak up about the abuse, as well as his lazyness. And all was over in an instant. I have never been happier.
So get up and tell him to get out. He can be with Ms Colorado if thats what makes him "happy". And you can meat someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
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  #4  
June 29th, 2010, 12:37 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondzilla View Post
I hope this helps. It's going to be hard--no mistake about that. But you can do it! You are worth so much more than he's been giving you and NO ONE deserves to be cheated on--and online infidelity is just as much cheating as physical sex is. You did NOTHING to cause this--THIS WAS ALL HIM!!!! Don't believe for a SECOND that you made him do this! What? He doesn't have the ability to say "No, it's wrong and I am not going to do it"? He doesn't have the ability to come to you and say "I need more time with you" or "I'm not happy and I would like for us to do something about getting our relationship back on track"? SINCE WHEN!!! Right now he says he isn't sure what he wants to do because he is not sure what SHE wants to do! Don't let the two of them determine your life! Take control and tell him it is NOT your fault, it's his own fault and he can explain to his mother why he needs to move back with her and can't pay her anything because he doesn't have a job. He's been using you as his mommy for 2 years...let his real mommy take care of him. Let him explain why he decided to cheat on you with someone else. As you may be able to tell, I have NO TOLERANCE for cheaters who try to blame the other person for their decisions. I have 3 rules I live by--NO SECOND CHANCES for CHEATING, LYING or PHYSICAL ABUSE. NONE! I don't care how sorry someone is or how they promise it will never happen again--NO SECOND CHANCES! I've given second chances before and it just made a fool of me. I strongly recommend you take that stance with him. He's got to learn there are consequences for his actions. So far, he doesn't seem to have learned anything.
HUGS! You deserve better!


As far as going from a two parent household, look at this way...you stood up for yourself enough to say that what he was doing was not okay. That you care enough about you to not put up with the garbage. Someday, the kiddos will understand and respect you for it and more importantly, LEARN from you taking a stand. That's something positive out of it.

Blaming YOU for busting your hump and 'never being there for him' while you were busy providing for you, HIM, your children, taking care of the household, going to school, is the REASON for HIS CHOICE? Ummm. NO. Uh uh. His choice. Dont buy that crap even for a second. Dont you see how you 'made him' do that? What an @$%@$%@$%!!!!!!!!!!!
I played the mommy to role to a lazy immature piece of work...for a short time. No fun. Eliminate the stress and take out the garbage.

He needs to either go to CO so this gaming gal he 'loves' so much can take care of him, or go live with his mama. (Sounds like my ex, by the way! LOL!)

im sorry you had to find this heartache like this when you are working so dang hard to make ends meet, trying to improve your future, take care of your kids, and keep everything running smoothly. It's not an easy task for sure, I know, but one that you are completely capable of.

Let us know how everything goes and we always here when you need to vent!

HUGS!
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  #5  
June 29th, 2010, 03:24 AM
scrapbug's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 64
Thank you all so much for your responses. I know it wasn't my fault no matter what he says, that was his choice. I am talking to our apartment complex to see if the kids and I can downgrade to a one bedroom or a cheaper two bedroom. Our apartment manager is being really nice and helpful and is seeing what she can do. Looks like we will be out no matter what in August.
I am just worried about the kids. I mean right now it is usually just the three of us doing stuff, but their dad is still here, plus he watches them while I am at work. I am sure it will be harder on them in my own head then in actuality, but I worry lol.
Get this though. My son has special needs. He has PDD-NOS a form of autism. This chick their dad is talking to suppsedly is the director of some autism school in CO. I just laughed when he told me that. I am not sure if he has told her that his son has autism...he denied it for a long time....but if he has it kinda makes me mad. She of all people should understand what this is going to be like for my son. I guess though if it wasn't her it would have been someone else so EH!
Thanks again for your responses and listening. It is great to have a place to come and vent to ladies who know what I am going through.
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