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I think I'm heading down the road to divorce....again. Yes, this is my second marriage and I'm doing everything I can to save it. I just got back from CA this weekend from transporting my two children to their dad (my ex) and when I got home in NM my husband acted fine for a while but then informed me that he was unhappy being married and wants a divorce. I tried reasoning with him and all his 'reasons' for being unhappy are so fixable. But he's just dead set on ending things. I'm on my knees praying that he changes his mind, that he's just stressed out and upset. But he's acting so shut off and seriouslike that I'm left with my head spinning because this was just totally out of left field for me. I love him, he's the love of my life and I'm taking my commitment seriously. This morning I was bothered by everything and looking for a real answer other than "I'm just not happy." and I went through his phone, his txt msg are all erased but he has like 4 saved pics of his ex in there that are recent who he's reassured me several times that they're 'just friends' yet he doesn't get pics of any other of his friends and I know that she and him text daily. I'm not trying to say that he's cheating, because I do/did trust him but it just flares a big red flag to me...
I DON'T want to get a divorce but, I don't want to be unprepared should the divorce actually happen. We've been married for almost a year and a half. We don't have kids (unless somehow I'm pregnant right now). He works but it's under the table, however it's a lot of money. We have separate bank accts per his request to just keep them separate. He's been mostly the bread winner, I have a job but I only make 1/4 of what he makes a week and my money is under the table too.
I feel like I would end up with nothing, that he can just cut his ties and be done with me. So I just need some support and wonder if anyone else has been through this? Because we've only been married a little over a year am I entitled to anything? Can I get spousal support?
I'm feeling so devastated right now and I'm praying that he changes his mind.
The fact that he makes his money under the table makes it virtually impossible for you to get anything. First you'd have to prove his income--can't do that if it's not declared or taxed. Plus you haven't been together long. So no, I seriously doubt you will get spousal support. I hope for your sake that you are not pregnant right now. The last thing you want is to bring a child into a failing relationship. Raising children is stressful enough but when you add to it the stress of a failing marriage it becomes nearly impossible to do well. My advice? If he's wanting out of the marriage then let him go. He isn't the right man for you if he can let his marriage disintegrate without even trying to save it. You want someone who will fight to keep what you have together and who values you as much as you deserve. Your husband doesn't appear to do that. Although I don't know him and certainly can't say for sure, it certainly seems like there is a possibility of something going on--whether it's with his ex or someone else. It may not have reached the physical yet, but it may have reached something that caused him to decide that this marriage isn't what he wants anymore.
I'm bothered by the separate bank accounts. Granted it is none of my business, but to me it seems like going into a marriage with separate accounts is like saying ahead of time, when--not if but WHEN-we get divorced, this will make it so much easier to deal with. It also makes it so much easier for him to "stockpile" money for when you split up. I'm not criticising anyone's decisions to keep separate accounts it's just that IMO doing so smacks of a lack of commitment or faith in the relationship. After all, if you're determined to stay together forever, why would you ever need to keep your money separate. This is entirely different than each one having his/her own discretionary account with money in it to do with as you please. That's something entirely different and I am all for that. But the "community funds"...why would you want those separate?
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I really am. It's so hard to go through and losing someone you love is one of the most difficult things to go through. But you deserve so much more than what he is giving you. Once you start believing that, you'll see that you can do so much better and you will find someone who values you as you should be valued.
Last edited by Blondzilla; June 28th, 2010 at 06:37 PM.
I just got out of my second marriage not too long ago. He was the leaver, and left me with 3 older kids, a 5 week old baby, and later, when he said he wanted to 'work things out' (aka A PIECE OF *****..lol) I got pregnant again when the first new baby was only 10 weeks old. I cried day and night until I was 16 weeks pregnant with the second one for God to give me the strength to not abort. He did. I tried to beg him to stay, which was just a ego trip for him. I cried and prayed every night that God would soften his heart to see what he was doing to this family. I lost my house...it foreclosed because I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a whole lot of options recovering from a C-section, and newly pregnant again. It didn't affect him because he stayed in the barracks, with heat, with hot water, and no bills.
So I hope very much that you are not pregnant, because it is no fun to go it alone, yet it isn't the END of the world, but it's close to feeling like it if you have to go through it. I can only say that because I made it through it. And the hormones on top of the shock, the denial, the anger is just not a pretty picture. I felt like I lost my mind.
Here is my two cents having been in a very similiar situation.
Dont kick yourself for a second failed marriage. Takes two. If you end up not pregnant, thank God. That means that that truly special moment in your life can be shared with the right man...and the less heartache for you and for a child. Spend some time crying and praying and trying to talk to him, get into counseling...whatever you have to do so that when and/or if the time comes all the way to divorce, you know in your heart that you TRULY did all you could do. My biggest mistake was that I waited entirely too long. Begged for counseling. From the time he left the house and said he was filing for divorce, to the time I moved out of the house for foreclosure, it was already at 5 months...waiting. 3 months later, (a total of 8 months time) he had still not filed for divorce. So in July, I HAD to file for something to protect my family from ALL of the credit cards he was getting, and the debt he was incurring. He would have ruined us if I just waited it out. So I filed for divorce....a total of 8 months later. And 8 months after that, our divorce was finally final. 16 months of waste. (And looking back, was probably his plan the whole time, so when he met the new one, his sad sob story was strengthened....lol)
HOWEVER, if I had not done everything I could, tried to talk to him, begged him for counseling, cried and prayed every night, perhaps I would not feel the contentment in knowing that some things are out of my control and I did everything that I could. I have peace in knowing that I did what I could. That I DID take care of my family at all times, while he was out spending and acting like a fool, that I did not abandon my family, that I didn't choose this path, and that from the depths of my heart I tried. I have no guilt there. I dont regret trying to hang on at all, I regret how much time I spent holding onto someone that really didn't love me, let alone himself, and that really didn't want me in his life anymore. It was too much. 3 kids with another on the way, a mortgage, all of it. He didn't realize what he signed up for or what he committed to, or the level of responsibility, maturity, nothing. I just took care of everything and he had no role or responsibility. And I allowed it for a period of time. Only when I stopped doing all of it myself, and wanted him to share in the responsibility of some of this, he bailed.
I was so shocked and felt so betrayed. And then so angry that someone could have the say how my life was going to go, that I could work so hard to fix his bankrupt credit for years to get this house, and he could destroy all my hard work. I couldn't comprehend that ultimately, by marrying him, that I gave someone the power to destroy my life, my hard work, and hurt my children the way he did. He didn't ruin my life. He didn't knock me down in his path of destruction.
And really, if he goes, there is nothing you can do but let go. Out of your control. And really, better now than when the IRS or other agency catches up with him. It wont last forever. You dont really want a part in that anyway, Im sure.
*Maybe* you could get something in spousal support, but it would probably cost you an arm and a leg and a private investigator, attorney, etc. (Im sure he can be court ordered to show his bank statements for how you both have survived!) Find an attorney with half a heart-that can work a payment schedule with you. I found one and she was great. And I had NO job and 5 kids. So it's all possible.
Cry, scream, pray, beg, whatever....just start preparing and finding out what it gonna cost you, what you are entitled to ahead of time....while you are still in shock. Later you will be angry on some level.
And know that we are here for you when you want to cry, scream, vent, just say over and over how unfair it is....
Thanks for the advice ladies! It's been such a stressful few days and my body is taking the toll for it. I feel so sick today and I know it's all stress related. I am NOT pregnant, my cycle started last night and as happy as I would have been to have a new baby right now is just not at all a good time. I've been working on my husband, reminding him of my love for him and that I am here. I know that it sounds idiotic of me but I did 'beg' a little but not really beg so much as tell him "We took a vow and I'm standing behind my commitment, I'm not leaving I'm not going anywhere and this can be worked out so put your big boy pants on and meet me halfway here." I know he loves me, he's telling me through his own personal pain that he does and that he cares for me. My friend gave me two books and I started reading through one it's by Gary Chapman called The Marriage You've Always Wanted and one of the first things to do is stop looking at what THEY are doing and look at what YOU are doing so I wrote down all the things that I felt at fault for in the marriage and I prayed about it, then went and shared them with him and asked for forgiveness for those things. He seemed really surprised and said that he just needs time to think, which I was actually happy to hear, it's better than "I'm done. I can't try anymore." I went to a friend's house after work and stayed pretty late, then when I got home I did a lot of praying and asking for God to guide me. And as I approached him I saw a hurting man in front of me. And I asked in a very civilized manner what his real issue is because him not being happy isn't flying with me and I know there's more to it. He just kept saying the same thing again, that he's not happy and just has a lot to think about. And so I dropped it. We talked about non-relationship stuff such as projects he's working on and stuff but at least we were talking. Then when we went to bed he pulled me into his arms and said that he really loves me and cares about me and that it's nothing to do with me at all he's just unhappy with himself and has to figure stuff out. I told him, ok well I'm here for you because that's what marriage is about, so I'm not leaving. And he said ok. I asked if he wants help or to talk? And he said not right now.
So as of now we're slowly working towards happy ground. I think there is A LOT to work on and we need counseling of some sort. He might be open to going through a book/video series with me over counseling with a person he doesn't know. I think we both have stuff to work on in the marriage but I really think that he needs to not be so black and white about it. And I'm glad I didn't give up and run and hide because I really love him and I want things to work out between us. I do have a limit and he almost reached it. I think being married and divorced once before really set standards for me. But when I see a problem that can be fixed I have a hard time walking away from it.
Thanks for all the advice ladies! I really appreciate it.
I'm glad you two are reaching this point and he is reminding you (and himself) that he really does love you. Hopefully what ever is going on with him inside will come out enough for you to help him. It sounds like he needs a good friend to talk to, you as his lover and partner, but also maybe one of his buddies. It could be something deep rooted is bugging him. Give him time, don't push too hard, but don't give up. If he can hold you tight and close and tell you he loves you, then he does. Just keep your faith and be strong for him in his time of weakness.
I think your idea of talking to a counselor is a good one. It sounds like he may be depressed--clinically, not just a case of the blues. In that case, there are many medications he could try to pull him out of this and talking to a good therapist will help him a lot. He may want to start off alone and then bring you into the sessions once he is feeling more secure so if you can find someone who is trained as a family counselor or marriage counselor, that would be helpful. I'm glad you have a strong faith to help the two of you through this. I wish you the very best and I hope you'll keep us updated on how things go.
I don't even know if you'll be back to read this but in my opinion only, my two cents only, I think you should take long look at your marriage. There is a reason he is unhappy and got to the point of wanting to leave. If you two can't work on it and fix it, nothing will change and he could just end up leaving you down the road. I think there is a huge trust problem, especially with separate bank accounts because that wouldn't fly with me AT ALL. My STBX did that to me, he got his check put on a Visa card through is company, it was an account, although not a "bank" account but when he told me he wanted a divorce he also said how he had been saving money. He had two jobs and he would give me the money from his second job (with the Visa card) and I just took his word for it, didn't ask for his check stub or anything. Our "real" account was a joint checking account but I have no idea how much money he had saved up where ever. He also had his name on everything like our utilities, cell phone, and mortgage. I had no access to anything and that's how he got my cell phone turned off when I found out he was cheating (from the phone records). Like I said, my opinion only, but if you two are going back and reiterating your focus on commitment, living two separate lives would be revisited. I think there are some warning signs you've talked about and ignoring them and hoping for the best won't cut it. I know you're scared of a second divorce because before I knew he was cheating I literally begged him, I told him I would do ANYTHING he asked me to because I felt like a failure and I loved the idea of being married. Just don't let yourself be used and don't ignore the red flags that may be there. If it gets to the point that he's saying he wants a divorce, there is a reason. A big one.
I wish you all the best and hope that everything works out.