Log In Sign Up

Thoughts/opinions? modifiying custody order


Forum: Divorce and Separation

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Divorce and Separation LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
August 3rd, 2010, 05:11 PM
3lilbabes's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 279
I'm not looking for legal advice just your thoughts.

My ex and I have been divorced for a year and a half. We have two children ages almost 3 & 7. I have primary residence with him only having reasonable rights of contact(he decide to set a schedule of seeing them every other weekend Fri-Sun). And we have joint legal custody. This was an uncontested divorce, no mediation, no nothing. Nothing is written in the legal custody, its generic. This has become an incredibly big problem. I am completely aware I can't force him to be a father and I don't want to. He chooses to only see the kids every other weekend. Even though I asked him to take them more often. He has called maybe 5 times this year to talk to them during visits. None of the calls lasted over 5 minutes. He has never come to any soccer games, cheerleading games, school concerts, parent teacher meetings, ect. Even though he was asked multiple times by his own children to come. My daughter visits his sister in RI for one week every summer. He refuses to let her go anymore because his family gets on him about not being active in their lives and he's doing this now in attempts to punish his family for getting involved. I can't allow them to go if he says no because I will get in trouble. He refuses to let the kids attend any birthdays or sports activities that fall on the weekend he chose for himself. Even though he has every weekend off and could very easily take them any other weekend of his chosing. And as I am aware because the way the agreements states he only has reasonable rights of contact I can control this I try not to abuse it. I have let him know mulitiple times he can see them whenever he wants but he continues to try to make things difficult. He is remarried and is allowing my children to call their step mom another form of mommy and insists that this is ok even though I told him it was disrespectful to me. I am asking for the courts to add these things to the legal custody since I was told that my chances of getting sole legal custody (I have no desire to change physical since I want him to be involved) are slim to none. Are any of these things unreasonable??

1.) The girls will attend any birthday parties that may occur.
2.) The girls will attend any extracurricular activities that may occur.
3.) Both girls will spend 14 days a year with **his sister** in Rhode Island during any spring/summer/winter school break most convenient. (The girls have always done this.)
4.) All medical care will be obtained at ***their family doctor**or ***local hospital****. Unless emergencies occur out of the area. - No religious influences will be taken into consideration when determining medical care. (because they don't believe in blood transfusions, ect.)
5.) Thanksgiving you will get the girls at 1pm. Christmas you will get them at 11:30am.
6.) We will both get equal time with them on their birthdays
7.) Easter and Halloween will rotate every year.
8.) Any addresses of places the girls will be sleeping at will be shared. (he refuses to give me his home address(got it from his family, or the camp the stay at during the summers)
9.) Notice of what religion and what church they attend will be shared. (Hides religious preference from me and name of church because they have a more extreme religion, again I found out on my own because he refused to inform me.)
10.) Notification of changes in pick-up / drop off times will be given 6 hours in advance. Any changes for rescheduling/canceling a visit will be given 24 hours in advance.
11.) The role of each parent in the girls lives will be respected. Their will be no calling step parents by any name then their first name. (because of calling the step mom another form of mommy)
Reply With Quote
  #2  
August 14th, 2010, 06:46 PM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,546
Ok lets see....

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
1.) The girls will attend any birthday parties that may occur.
You cannot dictate what he is to do with the children during his visitation time and you cannot plan for the children to be attending an activity that is not mutually agreed upon with the other parent when it is their visitation time (nor can he do this to you)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
2.) The girls will attend any extracurricular activities that may occur.
Same as above - and no, it doesn't matter if you signed them up for a sport or whatever, you can't control the other parent's visitation time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
3.) Both girls will spend 14 days a year with **his sister** in Rhode Island during any spring/summer/winter school break most convenient. (The girls have always done this.)
Make it clear that they have always done this and should not change. Also have her write a letter for you to include with everything to show this is a fact as well. The court may agree to this one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
4.) All medical care will be obtained at ***their family doctor**or ***local hospital****. Unless emergencies occur out of the area. - No religious influences will be taken into consideration when determining medical care. (because they don't believe in blood transfusions, ect.)
Make sure you explain why, and prove that the other parent will not be going out of their way to continue taking the children to the same doctor/hospital when necessary (for example, if he has to drive an hour to keep to this, the court may frown upon this request)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
5.) Thanksgiving you will get the girls at 1pm. Christmas you will get them at 11:30am.
Is there a reason for the time slots? Will there not be some sort of trade-off which says that this year it's this way, but then next year it's that way? Parenting your children after separation or divorce means that there should be give & take on both sides - you have to appear reasonable to the courts even though your ex is an arse.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
6.) We will both get equal time with them on their birthdays
This sounds reasonable

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
7.) Easter and Halloween will rotate every year.
Reasonable

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
8.) Any addresses of places the girls will be sleeping at will be shared. (he refuses to give me his home address(got it from his family, or the camp the stay at during the summers)
This is even more than reasonable, it's VERY important.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
9.) Notice of what religion and what church they attend will be shared. (Hides religious preference from me and name of church because they have a more extreme religion, again I found out on my own because he refused to inform me.)
Reasonable

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
10.) Notification of changes in pick-up / drop off times will be given 6 hours in advance. Any changes for rescheduling/canceling a visit will be given 24 hours in advance.
Reasonable

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3lilbabes
11.) The role of each parent in the girls lives will be respected. Their will be no calling step parents by any name then their first name. (because of calling the step mom another form of mommy)
You cannot dictate what your children call his wife/parents/sisters/brothers/dogs - there isn't a lot you can do about this unfortunately. He cannot FORCE them to call her anything, but in turn, you cannot FORCE them not to call her what they are presently using.


I'm only giving you my take on this from experience; I defended myself in my custody & child support case which including all the completing, filing & serving of documents through to all court appearances right to my Settlement Conference where his lawyer & myself hashed everything out & had it all turned into a final order.

The only additional item not always typical to orders was the fact that mine stipulates that his wife is not allowed to be alone with any of my children until they reach the age of 18, but this was due to her being charged and convicted of assault with a weapon which involved my (then) 8 yr old son (now 11).

You are right, you can't make him be a father, I can tell you this from first hand experience. My ex has not even so much as contacted the kids since June 13th (his last visit he had with them). His drivers license has already been suspended due to non-payment of child support (he's more than $4500 in arrears) and because he does nothing, the enforcement agency has requested a court date to serve him with papers for a Default Hearing.

When he was seeing the kids, the only visitation he was willing to accept was every 2nd Sunday from 9am to 7pm - any month that his visitation days would result in 3 visits instead of the 2, he always cancelled one of them.

It's not easy being the one having to pick up the pieces when your children do not understand why the other parent would rather do other things instead of spend time with them; but in the end, it's his loss.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~~

Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:09 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0