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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
August 4th, 2010, 07:57 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Okay...so things are kind of at a stand still in the divorce/custody department. Court date is Aug 25 for custody and support. He wants a legal separation now, which I think is stupid, so I won't sign it. Neither of us are planning to contest the divorce, so why bother? He is now living with his gf, and I really don't care. I do care that she isn't the greatest person alive, but not much I can do there either. I am depressed. Down, lonely. Adam and I had our first argument, and BIG issue on Saturday. The argument ensued yesterday, it built up, and needed to be done, I guess. However, I had him up on this perfect pedestal...didn't think he could be mean, or had it in him. I was wrong Let me back track to Saturday...he came up (with his kiddos) on Friday afternoon. He stayed over, we went to my Sisters b-day party (and to also make things worse, i was extremely hormonal and tired out...I had an extremely stressful week), and then Saturday we went to my family reunion. Came back, and did a joint cleaning out of my van. I found a few things of his, his car was parked right next to mine, so I turned around to put his stuff on his seat (his window was down)...and I saw a pack of chewing tobacco. I was in shock. He had quit smoking in December, and apparently had been chewing the whole time. So, we went upstairs to talk about it. I was extremely upset that he had kept something like this from me. I deem something of this caliber to be very important. This topped off my very stressful week, and I just sobbed. He felt horrible, apologized, and said he did it b/c he knew how I felt about smoking and didn't want to lose me, and that he had planned on quitting Aug 1 (which was the next day). I could see in his face he was sincere...and so I forgave him, but told him he needed to tell me EVERYTHING from now on, and not keep things from me. He agreed. Well, that broke my trust with him, which I also told him would happen. I am a huge trust person, with all I have been through. However, I have fallen in love with this guy...and his kids. I cry when he leaves or I leave him...cuz I know I won't see him for days (we only spend weekends together b/c he is an hour away). So, I know that it's there...and up until all this happened, he has made me so entirely happy, I cannot stand it. BUT...last night we had a fight, I called him a jerk, cuz he kept twisting things around to be my fault...of course Saturdays issue was brought up, and that didn't go over well, but I guess it still bothered me. Anyway, after I called him a jerk, he called me b!tch and I crumbled...only my ex did that. After we calmed down (we NEVER screamed or even yelled, but we were agitated), and talked it out, he explained that when he was with his ex's they used to call him names all the time, and he said he got to the point where he just stopped "taking" it...and that when he gets upset he forgets who he is talking to. I said I understood that, but that he has to try to remember that I am supposed to be someone he loves and cares about, and that you don't do that with someone you love and care about. Told him if he wanted to call me a jerk back, that is fine...but a b!tch is something else. He agreed...and apologized as did I. We both agreed we have to work on our vocalized verbal issues (b/c I have them too, I tend to clam up and not talk about how I am feeling, b/c I used to get degradeda all the time). I think both of us have been through so much with our ex's we don't know how to be with someone who truly loves us. Does that make sense? Or should I look at this as a warning from him? He told me he wasn't mad or upset, just felt that I was "gaining up on him"...IDK, and maybe I was. I hadn't meant to. I don't want to lose him, but I feel like this strange emptiness today...and I have never felt that after an argument with my ex or anyone else. I want things to be good again, but it is hard when I have 2 more days before I even can see him...to just kiss on him and make up. Funny thing is is that with anyone else, just talking would be ok...I have NEVER done the "kiss and make up thing" but with him I feel like I have to. Is that weird? Like right now I am close to tears, cuz I just wanna be with him.
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  #2  
August 4th, 2010, 07:28 PM
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OK first of all, stop beating yourself up over the disagreement because it's not going to do any good.
Secondly, BOTH of you need to stop with the name calling. it cuts and becomes habit and (I speak from 22 years of experience with my ex) soon the term JERK doesn't cut deep enough so it becomes a-hole or worse. You don't want that. Words cut and leave scars that are very hard to ignore or get over. It's demoralizing and designed to intimidate and humiliate--neither of which you want to do to someone you love. If you simply can't resist the zings when you're angry, walk away and calm down. You're destroying that which is so dear to you. It's a way of pushing someone away so they cannot hurt you but when you do that, it makes it harder to get back to being close. So just make up your minds that you're not going to do that to each other. I strongly suggest you don't even do it in jest. Think about the message that it sends to each other when you call names. It says "You're beneathe me." and "I don't respect you as a human being". Save the names for the jerk who cuts you off on the freeway--NOT the man of your dreams!
You have trust issues and that is difficult to overcome. Start small. It's scary, I know but trust him on something small and build up to the bigger things. I agree that he needs to be honest with you about things but in order to do so, he has to know that he can trust you too. It sounds like he didn't feel he could trust you to understand how hard it is for him to quit smoking and that he felt he needed a "crutch" to help him get off cigarettes completely by switching to chewing tobacco for a time. He has set his date to quit and HOPEFULLY has been able to keep off this week. If he slips up though, please try to be supportive and help him through it. It's a hard habit to break and he is doing this for you. It's harder when you're feeling pressured. Yes, it is a horrible, disgusting, risky habit and he should break it. Those kinds of things we don't keep doing because we don't care about all that. It's an addiction just like drugs or alcohol and can be just as hard to kick. That's why there are so many stop smoking programs, medications, patches, hypnosis, etc. It's a multi BILLION dollar a year industry! And of all those programs, not a single one of them is 100% guarranteed to make you smoke free. There is a very high dropout/failure rate. That's hard for someone who has never smoked to understand. Be supportive...that's what makes the difference between failing and being successful at this.
Hope that helps!
HUGS!
Dani
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  #3  
August 5th, 2010, 07:42 AM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
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Thanks, Dani. I am trying....REALLY hard. He and I had a 3 hour convo last night...and fought again, but this time, better. When I got sarcastic, he got angry, and started saying things, and I just remembered what he asked me to do...be patient with him. I said to him "why are you yelling? I am not mad at you, I just want to talk" and he calmed down. I told him "I am not gonna call you names...so please lets just talk" and he went off..."go ahead! call me names! vent it out!" I was like "no...I don't want to call you anything, I love you" that IMMEDIATELY stopped it, and we TALKED it all out. Nothing is completely settled. We didn't talk about the tobacco...I am over it. I don't think he will have trouble quitting it, b/c he said he only used it like once a day at work during the week. He said he never needed it on weekends. Which is why I didn't know he did it, b/c we are together on weekends. I am supportive of him, and have asked him how he is doing with it...if he needs to step down from it, I will understand. But, he says he quit it. So, I trust that. I do have trust issues. I have dated a few guys since the separation that used me, tricked me, etc...and now I have this amazing guy, and he holds back telling me ONE thing, and I freak. I guess I just panic all the time that he is gonna leave me...or cheat...or become abusive. He feels the same, I think. Cuz his past relationships were horrible. He was the "victim" most times. I told him we just have to learn how to argue respectfully, and he agrees. We both worry about how we were the other night. Last night was MUCH better. And we needed to do it, b/c we had concerns from the previous night. So, we now have some closure to it all. We are spending this coming weekend together, and I am looking forward to it very much. It's weird too, b/c I think, honestly...if we could see each others face when we argue...we wouldn't have gotten that way. Long Distance relationships are hard, and this is the first one I have been in. It's bothering me alot...but until Spring, we cannot change it. Nor do I honestly feel ready, right now, to move in with him. I love him, and just want to continue what we have. Cuz it has been so good, and he is just amazing!
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  #4  
August 5th, 2010, 09:50 AM
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It sure sound like you two are on the right track! That's great! I completely understand the trust issues. I have always been very insecure that way also. It changed with my husband Tom. What happened is that we talked about things--not just feelings but plans, dreams, issues, pasts, regrets...everything. When you do that, you become more intimate (and by that I am not talking sexual but it DOES affect you sexually the more you trust someone!-- in a good way!) Intimacy is scary for those of us with trust issues because we are risking rejection and humiliation. When that doesn't happen, we break down that wall brick by brick until we are completely vulnerable and open with someone. The acceptance that you get from that is so freeing! Knowing that he knows your secrets and failures and innermost thoughts and loves you even more? That makes those trust issues go away. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I KNOW in my heart that Tom would never deliberately hurt me, break our vows or leave me til the day one of us dies. It isn't something that happens overnight but by slowly taking chances--baby steps--you begin to break down the wall and it becomes easier and not so scary to trust him...and to open up more. You're getting there and it's good that you know you're not ready to move in with him yet because that means you're aware that the trust and love isn't quite where it needs to be. You still have doubts and that's normal in this stage of your relationship. You will know when you're ready. Take your time. It will come for both of you. It's actually hard to accept the difference of a good relationship compared to what you had before. We expect what we're used to...when it doesn't happen, we may actually try to force it. That is where I think you two are right now. If you can get through this stage and beyond, you will begin to realise that you have found something different...something special and precious and worth keeping pure. I want that for you! It's what you deserve!
Keep us posted and have a WONDERFUL WEEKEND together!!!!!
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