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I'm getting a divorce


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
August 14th, 2010, 08:13 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
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This isn't where I wanted to be right now. But this is being, well forced, upon me. My husband's been acting 'weird' for a while now, a few months. He's been really distancing himself from me and not treating me very well. He's been really 'close' to and ex GF of his for some time too, but its just through text, they send pics back and forth and they talk all the time, like more than him and I talked. His FRIENDS have even been coming to me with concerns, saying that he's showing her picture off to them like she's his new hot little thing. I've been trying to get him to work on our marriage, seek counseling, get some help, work on us, but despite my efforts, on wednesday night he told me that he's done, that he refuses to work on anything and its just prolonging the inevitable.

I'm just so beside myself. I mean, part of me saw this coming but part of me feels broadsided. We split out things up and he wrote out a paper of what each of us gets and we're going to have it notarized. He said he'll get the paperwork for the divorce together this weekend so that we can file next week and he said he'll pay for all the court fees.

I told him that I was willing to work on things but if he wanted to go, then he had to leave. He was surprised and said "You expect me to move out?" I said "Well I didn't move away from my family, my friends, further away from my kids (they live with their dad during school year), and the place I grew up JUST so I can get tossed out on my ***." and he said something like, ok but I don't think you can afford it. I said, well I'm sure gonna try! It would be a lot 'easier' to just pick up and move back home, my mom said their spare room is mine whenever I want it but she's proud of me for wanting to stay and at the least make him feel uncomfortable for what he's doing.

The thing that really hurts me the most is that he's so matter of fact about it, he acts like this is not hurting him at all. And maybe its not, maybe he's been planning this for so long that he's already dealt with it? I just feel so heartbroken and he's not sad at all.

I am 'entitled' to alimony but I can't prove his income because he works for his dad and gets paid in cash. I have a car and he has a jeep we're just keeping our own vehicles. We're selling the boat and splitting the money, we rent a house and I'm going to just take that over. I only make 1/4 of what he does but I also get paid in cash and I'm going to try to apply for state assistance to help with energy bills, rent, food, and stuff like that until I can find a second job or better job.

Its getting a tad bit better each day. I know I am better off without him and now I can (after a long, long while) be with someone who treats me like I deserve. Unfortunately tho, no matter how many times I say that it doesn't really take the pain of it all away. Night time is the hardest, I lay in bed and I'm alone. He's still living in one of the rooms in the house until his roommate situation comes through which he said will be next week.

Anyways. sorry to make this so long, I just needed to get it all out.
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Me, 33 - wife to DH, 39 (6.25.16) DD1(1.2003) & DD2(8.2005),
Jesse: 10 weeks - Feb 2017 TTC #4 w/ lots of prayer our RAINBOW baby!



"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
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  #2  
August 15th, 2010, 07:18 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through that.
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  #3  
August 16th, 2010, 11:04 AM
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Posts: 9,310
I'm so sorry. Divorce is never easy but it's really bad when you didn't make the decison.

I have a question for you though. What's keeping you there? Is it something other than pride? or wanting to get back at him? From what I read, everyone important to you lives somewhere esle. If I were you I'd, I'd move back to where my kids, friends and family are and completely write off this jerk. From what you've said, he isn't showing any sadness or concern. I doubt you keeping a rental house would make him feel anything.
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  #4  
August 17th, 2010, 06:04 PM
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It is a very difficult thing to go through. I'm sorry you had this happen. I do, however, agree with Kris. Why are you staying? Is it the job? I'd be inclined to cut my losses and move back to where I could be around my kids and people who love me. Is there a possibility of a transfer? Like Kris, I would hate to see you do something just to get back at him and have it hurt YOU more than anything else! From the sound of things, it's going to be very hard for you to make ends meet with the rent on the house. PA is fine if you NEED it but are you really going to be able to feel good about yourself knowing that the ONLY reason you are getting it is because you kept a house that is far bigger than you need just to spite him? Think about what is best for YOU. Not what you can do to him, but what is going to make the most sense for YOU and YOUR future.
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  #5  
August 19th, 2010, 09:00 AM
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I'm staying because I have a job here and its SO hard to find jobs anywhere these days. Its not a transferable job, its his parents business. They're being very supportive, they're willing to help me out in whatever they can and have told me not to stop coming over to visit and that my job is secure. I think after the divorce is final I'll be looking at moving. The only one I can move in with is my parents and right now they're apartment managers and are soon to be moving to a new apartment complex who is losing its managers so I'm trying to hold off so that they can get settled before I make a mess of moving out and in with them. They're not close to my kids but at least it'd be 5hrs away instead of 14. Not to mention, it takes money to move and so I need to stay and work and earn some more money so that I can even pack my stuff up and move out there. I guess for now it seems more justifiable to stay here and work and try to hold my own than move out with my parents and be unemployed for possibly months before finding a job. IDK, right now I'm just confused and trying to figure everything out and how its going to all work and what really is the best option for me.
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Me, 33 - wife to DH, 39 (6.25.16) DD1(1.2003) & DD2(8.2005),
Jesse: 10 weeks - Feb 2017 TTC #4 w/ lots of prayer our RAINBOW baby!



"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
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  #6  
August 19th, 2010, 01:49 PM
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Have you thought about asking your soon to be x dh for moving expenses and some alimony for maybe 2-3 months while you look for a new job?

It doesn't sound like you'd save much money by taking on a house that you'll barely be able to afford? You talked of getting a second job to help out..
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  #7  
August 20th, 2010, 04:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2lilman View Post
Have you thought about asking your soon to be x dh for moving expenses and some alimony for maybe 2-3 months while you look for a new job?

It doesn't sound like you'd save much money by taking on a house that you'll barely be able to afford? You talked of getting a second job to help out..
I can ask but I can't do much courtwise since his income is untaxed and can't be 'claimed'. So far he is being fair about splitting our assets and isn't leaving me broke. The plan is to stay until November and my landlord is pretty flexible. I picked up some extra hours at work and think I can save up some money until November, then move back in with my folks, wherever in CA they are. My mom said there are lots of job opportunities around there so I'm praying that a get one soon so I can get out on my own asap. After reading your replies it really made me stop and think WHY AM I HERE? and the answer I couldn't really find, I am really missing my family. I have friends out here whom I will miss but nothing beats family, especially in times like these. So thanks for the support
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Me, 33 - wife to DH, 39 (6.25.16) DD1(1.2003) & DD2(8.2005),
Jesse: 10 weeks - Feb 2017 TTC #4 w/ lots of prayer our RAINBOW baby!



"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
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  #8  
August 21st, 2010, 09:01 PM
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I wish you luck! Sorry you're going through this!
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  #9  
August 24th, 2010, 11:18 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
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I'm so sorry. It's a tough thing to be the 'leavee'. I dont think there's much worse than that. It hurts like he//. Mine left me too and I REALLY understand. I know there's nothing I could say to take away the hurt (I always wished that someone could just say something and that would be it...it wouldn't hurt anymore.)

HUGS!!!
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  #10  
September 3rd, 2010, 08:25 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
I just wanted to say, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but before you do ANYTHING go talk to an attorney. He will say whatever he has to so you will either leave, talk you into leaving, or gives him a way out.

The same thing happened to me but I was literally broadsided. I came home from working a 12 hour shift to him sleeping on the bed and the laptop open on my side of the bed to "Divorcesupport.com" and then I work up him & he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. Then he stopped coming home & he told me all kind of stuff like he'd pay for me an apartment and I could have all my stuff and he would help me move. Yeah. Then when I found out he was having an affair (after putting a GPS in his truck & following him live online) he beat me, was arrested and I left. Luckily I got MOST of my things. I filed a restraining order, he was found guilty of domestic violence (it was later appealed and threw out because he had never been in any trouble), had divorce court a month ago and he was to return my things by today. Guess what---not happening. He still has my CLOTHING!!! I left in Jan., he's been keeping my CLOTHING for 9 months, he could have mailed it to me.

Don't believe him because the reason he's so not shocked is because he's been preparing himself, my husband did that too. He was completely unfazed when I feel into pieces in front of him for days. He's prepared himself and he's made up his mind that he's done, that's how they act. It is the same human but not the same person YOU have known, he's not "Your" husband. Like I can see my husband and know that he isn't "my Brise".

Get an attorney first or you could get really, really screwed, no matter how great he has been to you through all your marriage, he's a different person now and you'll hurt less if you try and detach yourself sooner and be smart as quick as possible. I am only just now waking up and realizing what is going on after 9 months. I was devastated, I had NO CLUE. He never said he was unhappy, in fact just 3 months before he said he didn't love me his anniversary card said how proud he was of me and how he'd always love me. You can look through some of my older post and see I was a complete wreck. And I didn't have any children involved (although we were TTC, which you can see in my older posts as well) but I felt like he took that away because I was ready to be a mom.

I'm so sorry you are going through this but just remember to be smart as possible even if it hurts because it is going to be a LONG road.
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