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Need advice please! ~(long)


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
November 11th, 2010, 10:30 AM
Sparkling Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 68
Hello I am from the feb 2011 board and we are expecting a little boy.
I have looked at the rant boards and I think my situation is not just a rant.
To make a long story short I am from an abusive family, my mom would emotional, verbal abuse my sister and I. I moved out at 16 and went from one relationship to another, looking for love and acceptance. I was previously married to what I thought was the love of my life and he left me in emotional and finacial ruin~ I didn't know how I was going to survive. I moved to Tn and after just a few short months I met someone else who I thought was my "Angel" because he listened and tried to help me with all my heartbreak over my ex. Well 7 yrs later married for 5, DH and I are expecting another baby, we have 4 all together, with my 2 previous. After reading and going thru med school halfway-(dropped out due to depression) My dh is just like my mom, he is very abusive-verbal and emotional. After he is mean he apologizes and seems remorseful, but then it happens again a week later. I feel I have no confidence, very sad, and really no one to turn to. I want him to leave, because I think it would maybe make him realize what he has~ he has finally agreed to it. But I am very sad because if he leaves I truely have no one to raise my children with and no help. It feels I either stay in an abusive relationship or struggle being a single parent with no job or support. Should i divorce or have him go thru anger mgmt classes, or what?
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  #2  
November 22nd, 2010, 05:30 PM
Lizas_mommy's Avatar mommy of two
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 325
Hi Amanda.

I wish I could offer advice but I am going thru the exact same thing. I also grew up in an abusive family - physical and verbal. My husband loses his temper and says hurtful things but I have to admit, so do I. Our fights used to get physical (pushing mostly) but not so much anymore - just a LOT of yelling. Its a terrible thing and its caused me to become very depressed. I dont know what to do myself. And I really hate that our 4 year old has to witness it. How are you coping?
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  #3  
November 22nd, 2010, 06:08 PM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,546
First & foremost you need to remember that an abuser will continue to knock you down as far as it takes to keep you where they want you; it could be physically, mentally or emotionally.

This is not something that you want to subject your children to any more - you already know it's wrong and that should be enough to give you the strength to try.

I can tell you that it's not easy, but it's what I did with 4 kids - they were 11, 10, 7 & 6 at the time.
Look for programs in your area that can help you, even local church groups will give you a hand; you're not alone even if it feels like you are.

I have zero family around me, the only family that has even met my kids is apprx 4800 km (nearly 3000 miles) away from me, so there wasn't even anyone I could count on when the marriage really broke down.

It's been more than 5 years and the kids and I are fine. Sure it would be nice if he was paying up the child support he owes, I haven't seen a cent from him since mid March 2010, and he hasn't even contacted his kids since mid June - but life goes on regardless.

You are stronger than you think. You're stronger than your abuser has allowed you to believe, and it's time to put your foot down & realize that you're worth more than you've been allowed to believe, and you deserve to be happy.

If you truly believe in your heart that counselling or anger management classes will change things, then by all means, try it; but remember that you do not, and should not have to accept the abuse any more. If you're not ready to do it for yourself, then do it for your child(ren)

Best of luck!
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  #4  
November 23rd, 2010, 07:33 AM
stardusthealer's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
Posts: 642
I was in an abusive marriage for 11.5 yrs we have 3 kids together. My x was both verbally and physically abusive as well as finanically abusive. He was in the military so I was no where near family members which also allowed me to keep it quiet for almost 7 years. I finally left him a little over a year ago and I couldn't be happier. He had me believe nobody would ever love me besides him so he could control me. You can do this if not for you then as KrazE said do it for your children. You do not want them to think your husbands actions and abuse is normal behaviour. You would be surprised just how strong you really are. You deserve to be happy and feel loved everyday not shot down with his hurtful words.
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