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Dumped while pregnant


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
March 18th, 2011, 01:44 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3
My husband is leaving me but won't leave. I'm 31 weeks pregnant (planned). He does not have another love interest.
December began with a discussion (which I thought was just conjecture) about what I would do if he wasn't around. In January he told me he didn't feel a connection with me or the baby; fine I said, we won't always have a great connection--this is a marriage after all, and it's normal for guys not to feel a connection to babies until they're born...but then I also said if he didn't feel a connection it was up to him to create it. In February he said he just wanted to be alone; okay, I was dog/house sitting for a few weeks, a good chance for him to clear his head. Now in March, he still wants to be alone, admits that I'm a good person and will be a great mother, he just doesn't care about me.
I've tried everything. I don't nag, I lowered my expectations, I tried doing more for him, I tried doing less, I left him alone, I yelled at him/told him off (very little...maybe twice in the last months), suggested we go to counseling, suggested he could go alone to counseling if he wanted (which he rejected citing that he didn't want to learn things about himself that he wouldn't like...to which I replied that these things were affecting his life anyway so he really had nothing to lose), I tried getting him to talk with friends who had a similar experience.
I'm a really, really nice person, have given my life entirely to him (clearly a mistake), supporting him through really tough times including his ex-wife's essential kidnapping of his first daughter, inviting the daughter to be in our lives (she lived with us for a year)...anyway, I could go on and on about everything I've done.
Now I feel angry, hurt, scared and feel used. Neither of us have a lot of money and separated we'd both really struggle.
After these few months, I realize that it's not me and despite my hurt feelings I have confidence in my own being. That said, we aren't really separated (I've gone to my parents for a couple of weeks leaving things in limbo) and for now I really don't know what to do. I think he's depressed, stressed and running away based on past experience.
Writing this looking for support and suggestions...stories of similar experiences.
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  #2  
March 19th, 2011, 02:00 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,932
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. The only advice I have is to take care of you and your baby. You should go to counseling for you - to help you get through this.
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My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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  #3  
March 20th, 2011, 02:37 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3
I just started going to counseling. Fortunately, the United Way provides geared to income counseling, otherwise I'd never be able to afford it (financially I'm completely screwed anyway).
In any case, I do know what I should do...it's just so so so hard and I guess I'm just looking for encouragement whether it come in the form of experience or not, and a venting place--expressing myself in this way always helps just in itself.
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  #4  
March 21st, 2011, 09:24 PM
AprilJanellieBellie's Avatar Keepin Busy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Hesperia
Posts: 9,478
I just popped in when I saw your title. I feel you frustration. You need to do what is best for you and baby, and he needs to get himself together and figures his stuff out. I think that men get into a depression when they can't support their wife especially when there are kids involved. My husband has gone through some depression and even threatened to leave us. We've been slowly working though it & are planning to renew out vows next year for our 10 year anniversary. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more.
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  #5  
March 22nd, 2011, 08:50 AM
LadyFlyAway's Avatar My 4 Babies Are My Life!
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,616
I'm just popping in and saw your post.

My ex husband left me when I was 16wks pregnant with our fourth child. He was having another affair and I found out, told him I would stay with him, but he didn't want to be with me anymore. He filed for divorce and let the house we live in foreclose leaving me, a SAHM to three young kids and preggo with our fourth, to move into my moms' house. My advice to you is go to the state and apply for pregnancy medicaid and food stamps as well as WIC if it's offered where you live. When you fill out the paperwork, make sure you ask them what to put down when it comes to marriage and income...explain your situation to them they will help. Once you have good insurance, you can get into therapy for yourself! That's very important. I got so depressed during my divorce that I lost over 20lbs and went into preterm labor at 19 wks. I was on bedrest constantly...it was terrible. Get yourself the help you need mentally! If you can stay with family, I would do that until you have the baby and get yourself financially established. If he wants a divorce, let him file so he has to pay the attorneys fees...if you want to file, go to your local courthouse and find out about legal aid. They can help you with legal advice and lawyer help. You can do it girl!!!!! It will be hard, you will have a lot of different emotions, anger hate pain, but it gets better everyday. Little by little it gets better and you find happiness again. I'm remarried now and pretty happy to be honest. I'm actaully thankful my ex did what he did, because when I look back the marriage wasn't a good one for me. He wasn't a good husband. I wish I didn't have him in my life now, but we have children so he always will be.
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  #6  
April 5th, 2011, 05:47 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3
Just an update: I'm back living with my husband and things have pretty much gone back to normal. I don't know what happened. We had a bit of a discussion regarding what he wanted (which ironically was what I wanted--I want him to be independent etc). But mainly two things happened, work started to pick up and the weather got better. As I thought about it, I realized that last winter he was also in a funk, but with the added stress of baby coming I think it was compounded. Next year I'm definitely getting one of those therapy lamps.
I'm going to continue seeing the counselor. We have added stresses in our lives, which we are facing together, but I really need to talk with someone else too and help myself stay mentally stable regardless of pitfalls.
I must say that after reading your post, Mrs. Arvai, I feel extremely fortunate living in Canada where all my medical costs are covered (including midwife). And like in the US, there are additional programs to help with housing and food. Then again, clearly the winters are difficult!
Having opened myself up to people (both anonymous and close to home) I'm finding a great deal of kindness and support which has been invaluable. I am certainly coming to a new and better understanding of myself, what I can live with or won't live with and that I have options. Thank you for the responses.
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  #7  
September 9th, 2013, 08:55 AM
Newbie
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1
I know the feeling. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. We've not even been married a year yet, but just found out we're pregnant (mutual decision). Well he let's his family be horrible to me and takes their side. Actually went with them one evening and didn't come home (just so happens to be I decided to take a test because I didn't want to throw it out there in the midst of an argument). Well I was. So i call and text to say please call me we need to talk and he won't answer. So after it's been 48 hrs I take a picture of the test and he still doesn't answer. His excuse was that is was something I would do to keep him. Well he has kids and it's all he cares about, but now that I'm pregnant, he could care less. And keeps talking of divorce. He even said I'm a bigger mistake than his ex-wife. We just bought a bigger car, but it's in my name and now he wants to leave me with the payment on it too. I feel like a single mom. Any advice on how to make this work or should I just give up and move on and file for divorce before he does?
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  #8  
January 14th, 2014, 09:13 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by babylove26 View Post
I know the feeling. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. We've not even been married a year yet, but just found out we're pregnant (mutual decision). Well he let's his family be horrible to me and takes their side. Actually went with them one evening and didn't come home (just so happens to be I decided to take a test because I didn't want to throw it out there in the midst of an argument). Well I was. So i call and text to say please call me we need to talk and he won't answer. So after it's been 48 hrs I take a picture of the test and he still doesn't answer. His excuse was that is was something I would do to keep him. Well he has kids and it's all he cares about, but now that I'm pregnant, he could care less. And keeps talking of divorce. He even said I'm a bigger mistake than his ex-wife. We just bought a bigger car, but it's in my name and now he wants to leave me with the payment on it too. I feel like a single mom. Any advice on how to make this work or should I just give up and move on and file for divorce before he does?
I am so sorry, I'm in a very similar situation, just made a post about it. Just know that someone else is going through this as well. As women we need to stick together. Sometimes we just need to talk. I just can't believe how cold some men can be during a time that couples should be getting closer. I would let him file, he will most likely have to cover lawyer expenses, at least that what I have been reading. I know the feeling of wanting to show him, but you don't have to make up your mind quite yet. Make it clear that you have no intention of being with him if that's how you feel, if you're unsure ignore him, stay apart from him and figure out how you actually feel and what you want before you do anything.
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