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How to trust and love him again? :(


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
August 24th, 2011, 01:47 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
So my husband and I have been together since I was 14 for ten years now. We have a son who was born March of 2009 and a daughter in January 2011. Basically our whole relationship I thought I was with someone who truely loved and respected me and would never hurt me or pursue other females. Our relationship was wonderful and we were the best of friends atleast I thought. A couple of years before our son was born I noticed him taking interest in other girls and caught him in many many lies too many to count and to get any answer I would literally have to hound him and put the pieces together myself becuse he would always get his story mixed up. I do know that he has never physically cheated but has emotionally several times. Well around a year after my son was born we were fighting so much and he could tell that the lies and not knowing what he really did behind my back was changing me as a person and I completely pulled back from him and put up a major wall so that I couldnt get hurt anymore. He finally confessed something that had been weighing on his mind and promised he was a man now and loved me and wanted no one but me that I was always all he wanted but he was young and didnt know what he had and looked for attention from others to validate himself.

I believed him and we moved on and started repairing our relationship and things got nearly perfect. Well when I became pregnant with our daughter during towards the middle of the pregnancy his boss hires a young woman (my husband is a mechanic) our age which is 25. When he told me this my stomach began to hurt so bad I literally ended up in the ER that very night thinking something was wrong with the baby. I was so scared that he would try to get and crave her attention just like all the other girls but he looked me in the eye and assured me that if she ever crossed the line in any way he would tell me. I trusted him and gave him a clean slate all he had to do was be honest but I was of course pregnant and huge so I was very very inscure.

My insecurties and the emotions from being pregnant would get the best of me almost every night when he got off work and we would do nothing but fight or I would cry and he would try to console me. I just felt like I couldnt deal with the stress of wondering what he was doing up there at work with her being there. I knew and could tell he found her attractive so that time was just completely horrible. Finally I had our daughter in January and we just began to fight more and more about her being at his work and all my worries. I even began to get suicidal thoughts and had to be put on anti depressants because the endless thoughts and worries of what he was doing they were ruining my life.

I got on the meds and things got better and I began to really trust that he was completely being honest and forthcoming about her being at his work and was confident he wasnt putting himself in any position for an interest in her to be produced. Well all of that progress ended one night when he had to work late which he did often with another male mechanic. But this one particular night he was gone till almost 10 at night on a Friday and I had just a passing thought of dang this is taking a long time tonight and thought nothing else of it. Well come to find out when he got home he instantly looked at me and said that the girl that works up there showed up while they were doing their side job and had been drinking but went into the office and got on the computer. He said he and the other guy were thinking why in the heck is she up here. Apparently my husband supposedly goes inside the office to get a drink out of the water fountain and she offered him some of her whiskey she had brought with her. He turned her down then went back into the shop. Later on she comes out there and offers he and the other guy the alcohol again. He again turns it down.

So basically he was up there four nearly five hours while she was up there drinking and sat in the shop with them both talking and hanging out. When he told me she came up there he immediatley said please dont be mad at me and that told me he knew he was guilty of something. But initially when he first told me I was like ok well thats fine atleast you told me. Then I started to ask questions and found out he basically had himself a nice little hang out/date because he should have called me the instant she came up there and even more so after she tried to get him to drink with her. But no he doesnt call me at all the whole time and this really pissed me off and he said that he knew he shoul have called instead of wait till he got home and had all of his fun in her company.

Since this has happened I have completely withdrawn from him and he has def noticed. I cant stand to be touched by him because my wall is up so high I dont think it will ever come down. We have been fighting now more then ever and it has reached a new level and it is becoming border line abusive because I am just so angry. I have told him I want to seperate that I would be happier on my own and it would be better for the kids but he just wont agree and cries and says he cant live without me.

My question is can you tell me how to love him again or is it even worth taking the chance of getting hurt again? The litte bit of progress we were taking in the right direction he screwed up that night when he made the conscious decision to not tell me when he knew he should have and broke the promise that if anything ever happened he would tell me immediatley. I dont even know who I am anymore because of all the emotional turmoil and lies he has put me through in the past ten years. I literally dont even recognize myself anymore and it really scares me. Someone please give me your insight. Thanks for taking the time out to read this.
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  #2  
August 24th, 2011, 02:20 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: england
Posts: 290
i think if you are to move one from this, he has to prove to you that he's being honest and trustworthy. this will involve him being totally open and honest about where he is, and you should be able to contact him if you want at all times. he will have to spend more time with his family too. its not easy, but its achieveable if you both work at it. he needs to put u first, no flirting with any other woman to validate himself and dont forget he has to be honest and tell you everything that u need to know
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  #3  
August 24th, 2011, 10:44 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Let me preface what I'm about to say by telling you that I used to feel the same things you are describing when I was with my ex. I truly sympathize with feelings of fear and insecurity and having a partner who sometimes doesn't know where the line should be drawn does not help. It's a lot to handle and I can't imagine being pregnant while dealing with those emotions. I'm really sorry for all of the pain you've felt and for the position you and your dh are in right now.

My ex made a lot of similar mistakes - he never physically strayed from our relationship but he sometimes overstepped the boundaries with female friends and, I'm sure, liked the extra bit of attention from them. I won't go into details but there was one night in particular in the first few months of dating that started the cycle of mistrust and overreaction for us. He knew he was in territory he shouldn't have been and I was extremely hurt. I felt betrayed. From that point on, he promised he would watch his boundaries and for awhile, he did. However, he would lie about things, and sometimes he genuinely thought something wasn't a big deal and so he just refrained from telling me because he knew it would upset me. Sometimes he probably knew he was overstepping. Either way, it was always a fight - in my mind, I always thought, "If it was innocent/if nothing is going on/if you didn't mean anything by it, why would you lie about it? Why cover up what doesn't need to be covered up?" And in his mind, I think there was a combination of, "I said I was sorry and you still don't trust me. I'm not even going to tell you about this because I know it wasn't the way you'll take it and it isn't worth the fight." and "I know I shouldn't have done that, but I'm going to try harder next time so I don't think I need to bring it up." Additionally, when I would lose my temper when he did tell me, it didn't really send the message that I was "safe" to share things with.

He had bad boundaries and didn't understand where I was coming from. I was insecure and that insecurity would intensify with every incident and I would get more and more paranoid and my reactions would be more and more intense. It was a terrible, awful cycle to be in. Neither of us knew how to communicate what we needed from each other and neither of us knew how to come to a healthy solution that didn't make him feel like he was boxed in and set up for failure no matter what he did (because really, being mad at him when some other girl would say or do something wasn't fair - if he responded positively to it, that's reason to be upset with him but he couldn't control what other women said or did any more than I could, and truthfully I forgot that sometimes, in the heat of the moment) but that also didn't neglect my feelings and neglect the healthy boundaries that should exist within a committed relationship or marriage.

What I'm reading from you is that when he was making progress, you 'trusted' him but only as long as no women were around. While I fully understand that standpoint and fully agree that trust needs to be earned back, you can't get rid of every other woman in the world. There are people who can and will do things that threaten those boundaries and you can't stop them. You can't expect him to, either. If she showed up, he doesn't really have the power to make her go back home, you know? What he CAN do is stand his ground, refuse to engage it and let her know clearly where the boundary is and remove himself from the situation if possible. And trust me, I remember that feeling of being totally shaken by someone else intruding on our relationship or our commitments to each other in some way. Your stomach drops and your heart races and it's just terrible. What I learned from that relationship, though, is that I can't hold someone responsible for something that they couldn't control and that I can't trust someone because there just happen to be no threats - I need to be able to trust that they will do their honest to God best to keep themselves from being in a position they shouldn't be in AND trust that they will respond appropriately if someone else infringes on that.

I'm not sure what the details are with your dh's work and whether or not he would have been allowed to just leave. I don't think it sounds like he handled it as well as he maybe could have and if he agreed to call you about that sort of thing as a way of being accountable, he should have fulfilled what he said he would do. I would give him credit for not having a drink with her and for telling you about the incident. That DOES sound like progress for him. And for what it's worth, as an outside party, you sound like you've been on edge about this woman since she was hired - do you think there's a chance you're maybe seeing threats that aren't necessarily there but in your mind, you've convinced yourself that they are?

Please don't think that I'm saying we should be happy about hearing about their mistakes and we should trust blindly and we should be an everlasting fountain of patience and forgiveness. We are human, too, and we are entitled to our own emotions. Something like, "Thank you for telling me about tonight. I'm not happy that she showed up that way and she was asking you to drink with her; it makes me feel afraid and vulnerable. I'm also a little hurt that you didn't call me then and in the future, I would feel a lot better hearing from you the way we discussed. I do appreciate that you shared this with me, though, and I appreciate that you declined to have a drink with her." might get everything across. I do realize that's pretty composed for the level of emotion you were probably feeling and so if you need to say, "I want to respond in a way that helps us build instead of tear down, but I am feeling a lot of big emotions right now. I need to take some time to myself to process all of this. Can we agree to talk about it later?" I realize speaking that way is the last thing you want to do when you're feeling all of that, but taking the time to control your response really can do wonders for your communication and for your relationship should you want to make it work. Honestly, he probably thought he did a great job by being straightforward with you about it and for saying no to the drink. That doesn't mean there's no room for improvement because there is, but it would be a lot better for your relationship and your sanity if you were to take the victories as they come, expect "2 steps forward and 1 step back" as he progresses and process your emotions separately from his progress. I know they're intertwined, but your insecurities, your issues stem from something before him, most likely. His need for validation stems from something before you, most likely. Individual counselling may help you both address those issues, too.

If you can address the root issues, you can process and move on. It's the difference between putting a bandaid on the symptoms of those issues and really, truly healing them.

Additionally, he needs to continue getting used to enforcing boundaries in a new way. He needs to continue to be strong in those boundaries. He needs to continue to be accountable to you. You need to become a safe place for him to come. Validate him where it's deserved. Don't let the emotions and fears control you and how you respond.

That was really the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my ex and I and needless to say we haven't been together for a long time. It was my decision to leave, in the end. A lot of what I've learned, I learned on my own, after the fact, and have worked on it further with my fiance, with whom I have a very wonderful and healthy relationship. We both came from unhealthy previous relationships and we both had many issues to work through together, but we have truly come a long way and we have truly overcome a lot of deep hurts and issues. It has taken a lot of effort and communication and a lot of prayer, but we have truly healed from a lot. It is my belief that anything is fixable as long as both parties are willing to work hard. What that looks like for every couple is different.
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  #4  
August 24th, 2011, 10:51 AM
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Location: england
Posts: 290
i agree with keakie! shes put it better than i could have done!
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  #5  
August 24th, 2011, 11:53 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
Keakie you are right I do need to become a safe place for him to come and tell me things. But I have been so bad about blowing up over the smallest things because of our past together. You were right when you said his need for validation came from situations prior to us meeting which was when we were 14 years old. He came from a very abusive father and neglectful mother and I can see why he had such low self worth. I on the other hand was one of the most confident and self reliant young ladies I have ever seen even till this day. But now that person is gone and it breaks both of our hearts. He has even cried when confessing that he knows all the hurt has changed me and knows that young girl he first met and fell in love with is still there but she is just hurt and has a wall up. He says he sometimes sees that young girl come back out in certain situations and he knows that this relationship is worth fighting for. I honestly dont know who that young girl is anymore and have told him that she can never come back that I have changed because of all this in more ways then one and feel as though I dont even know who I am anymore. Yes when the girl starting working up there I immediately began to get very intrusive thoughts on what he was doing if he was flirting or even sometimes very vivid thoughts of him becoming physical with her. I think these types of thoughts first began in the middle of our relationship around the fifth year when I would have nightmares about him cheating because I knew there were still so many lies he hadnt confessed. I would lterally wake up crying and shaking and this is just an indicator of how these lies took control of my life and thoughts at an early age. I have come to the point for my own sanity that I would rather him actually cheat so that I can move on. I feel trapped in this relationship because I do love him but I feel like I need to find myself again if that is even possible. I have become a miserable person closed off from all feeling and I feel like an emotional zombie. He complains that I dont ever hug him anymore or kiss him and I have noticed that I have withdrawn that kind of affection for many years now. I tell him Im sorry and that I will try harder but I dont know if this wall can ever come down with him. I have told him that I can abosuletly not deal with being hurt again and I think to protect myself and sanity I have somewhat put myself on auto pilot with him. Things have gotten so out of control that one night after a fight I went to a bar for the first time ever by myself and kissed a guy for the sole purpose to make him feel just even an ounce of all the pain I have felt in the past and still live today. I just dont know if I have anymore fight in me and left of me to make this work. Thanks for your insight and anymore advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!! Thanks to you too Ebony
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