Need Advice

danniegirl · #1 September 12th, 2011, 01:31 PM

So DH and I are finally getting a divorce. I told him how unhappy I am and its just what I want. There are a lot of other factors to but we have went back and forth between this fvor months. Unfortunately we need to be seperated for 1 year and 1 day before we can actually divorce. I am waiting for him to move out as he is taking forever. I spoke to a lawyer about it and I can go for temp custody and temp child support and that could get the process of him out faster.

I am trying not to involve lawyers. I want this to go as civil as possible. I know he wont be able to afford a lawyer and neither can I however if it comes down to it I can get the money.

The only thing we can not come to an agreement on is custody of our two kids. I want to be the primary care giver as thats what I have been. I am the one who takes them to and picks them up from daycare and I schedule and make their medical appointments i miss work and take off when they are sick. We both are in the military and my job gets frustrated becuase they have a father too and its always me.

What i proposed to him is he can have the kids one week day and every other weekend and we split the holidays as long as we are living in the same state. he doesnt want that. He wont tell me what he wants and says if i go with every other weekend he wants them 3 times during the week and the whole summer. I honestly feel he can not handle them for that long. I dont want to play dirty and try and do it civil. He has a drinking problem his commander directed him to go to counseling ADAPT (AA meetings) he isnt suppose to drink now but still does. So tonight we are going to sit down again and try and do this. I will bring up that i dont want him drinking when he has the kids is that reasonable? He already threatened me with the fact that I see a therapist and I am on anti depressants but a lot of that is from my marriage and I am actually improving.

Should I try and do it without lawyers or just go ahead and get a lawyer? I really want him out of the house too. I can go ahead and more out with the kids but he wont be able to afford the rent and the bills on his paycheck alone to live there.

Also I calcualted with me living there my pacheck and how much you would be alloted to pay and agreed on less so i feel im not trying to break him with that. I already will hav eto pull the kids out of daycare and have my sister move in with me as I dont even want to pull the kids out of daycare as they love it there. but just until my lease is up in february and i can afford a better place for us.

Sorry so long i just dont know what to do.

dubs · #2 September 13th, 2011, 06:22 AM

Sounds like you have most of the kinks worked out..as for the kids tho if he wants to see them that much how much harm can it be giving him them maybe 2 days during the week and every other wknd...i wish my xdh would get his kids more then one night every other wknd...if you give him that maybe he will drop the whole summer thing.

danniegirl · #3 September 14th, 2011, 04:01 AM

So he is refusing to move out. I am trying to find a place so I tried to apply to live on base however the military is not very helpful. Even though we are both military and both the same rank and I am the one that claim the kids and do everything for them they are not letting me apply becuase he out ranks me because he made his rank before me. GRR thankfully I found some paperwork to fill out an exception to policy and my command is being very supportive. So in Ten days I should know if I am allowed.

mommy2lilman · #4 September 16th, 2011, 05:50 PM

Good luck. Though to be honest I would get an attorney at least for custody. And there's no way you should let him 'have' the kids all summer either. I would maybe do like one week day and every weekend he gets the kids for a couple hours on either sat or sunday.. then every other weekend, the kids spend saturday night with him or friday.. and he brings them back to you by 5 pm?

thats just my opinion though.

KeeponthePath · #5 September 25th, 2011, 07:52 PM

As a divorce coach for women and also someone who went through divorce, I recommend that you consult an attorney. It cannot hurt to get legal advice and see what your options are now and in the future.
Create a list of questions you want to ask the attorney before you retain them. Do not be afraid to tell them your concerns, ask questions and make sure they have your best interests in mind.
Depending on your state, make sure you know what the difference is between joint/primary "legal" custody is and joint/primary physical custody. This will be important whether now or later.
I hope all works out for you. My prayers are with you and your family.
Keep on the path!!

prissanna · #6 September 27th, 2011, 07:10 AM

You need a lawyer. The only way you wouldn't need a lawyer is if the two of you can agree on EVERYTHING which is obviously not the case.

This is an example of my visitation: He gets them every other weekend, one night during the off week (no overnight there), holidays are split. He gets 3 weeks during the summer. Standard in my state is 2-4 weeks. You do not have to give him the summer.

My papers state that he can't consume alcohol in the presence of my kids. That is apparently standard around here because I didn't ask for it to be put in there originally. It is also in my papers that he can't have overnight company of the opposite sex while he has the kids. If he does any of these things, he's in contempt of court.

You need to get the papers exactly as you want them because they are what you will refer to until the kids are grown.

Since you are in the military and there is a possibility of either one of you moving at any time, you need to find out more info from a lawyer about your options and how this will affect the kids.

Since he has a drinking problem, if you are concerned about the welfare of your kids, document everything that happens from this point on. You might need it in the future.