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I just wanted to take a second to say hello to any new members here (and of course sorry that we have to meet here). I come every now and then and post, it's usually when I'm falling a part. Some may remember me, for those who don't, my name is Brandie. I've been divorced since August 4, 2010 and separated from my husband since January 31, 2010. We were together 4 months shy of 11 years and married for almost 4 years. The short story of what happened is I came home from work one morning (Jan. 22nd 2010) and he told me he wanted a divorce. I found out a week later he had been having an affair, I left and 2 weeks later he moved her in and her 2 children by another man and she was pregnant by the end of the year. They had their little girl this August and have been living happily ever after. I don't associate with anyone in his family but have done the online looking around because I'm weak.
That's a short way of putting it. Basically, I had no idea. I walked through the door that morning and he told me. He was a different person, a person I didn't know, well maybe a better way of seeing it may be that might have been who he was but I finally saw him for the first time. But at the time he was a different person. Like he shut off the part of him that was "mine", the part that was safe and familiar. When I finally discovered what he was actually doing, I remember standing there that morning and remember that it literally felt like my hands were full of sand and it was just pouring through my fingers. My whole world fell a part. The man I thought I was going to spend my life with, the family we were trying to have, everything I thought I had always wanted.
I went, and still am, going through the whole 'What-If' anxiety. What if I never find a husband? Not just a husband, I'm sure I could find one of those, but the person I finally feel I can't live without and I can FEEL that HE can't live without me. I worry I won't have children, but again, finding someone just to get me pregnant is also possible but I want the whole "American Dream". The family, the nice house, I want to be the soccer mom. I want to make my kids' lunch one day, I want to hold my baby in his/her nursery and read to them. I want to sit and read to them when I'm still pregnant. It is very, very cliche but that's what my heart dreams about.
He and I were TTC for an entire year, at his request. This is what my post was really suppose be about, in case that is a tender subject for anyone. For about six months I was on the fence. We had financial problems and I wanted to finish getting my BA degree (which I still haven't done) but he assured me that everything would work out and I hadn't gotten pregnant so far, so who knew when I actually would. It wasn't until I realized it wasn't happening that I thought, wait.......maybe I do want this. And with his support and his yearning to be a family, I totally gave in. I started to get crushed each month at the BFNs and we were making appointments with the REs. His family knew we were trying and it filled me with joy that he didn't mind letting them know he wanted a child.
It turns out that a lady who works in my building is friends with my ex-husband's brother. She and I hit it off as friends and I told her it wasn't something that I enjoyed talking about (my ex-in-laws) she was free to talk about whatever she wanted.
So our conversation this morning ended up being a lot about my ex-in-laws and then we came to a part in the conversation where I told her that he had almost lost his house a few months before his baby was born but somehow, he paid it up. He also finally put down flooring (this has been a 3 year ordeal, my TTC Vets can recall this) and he did some major kitchen remodeling, bought new furniture, a flat screen for the first time, new computers, and things like that. It didn't make sense to me because he couldn't afford it with just the two of us, let alone himself, his new girlfriend, and two children (with a 3rd on the way).
She perked up and said, "Family money?" I told her that I couldn't imagine because they had given him so many loans over just a few years. So she said.."oh."
We continued our conversation and she finally got a strained look on her face and just said "Nevermind". It was the look that she couldn't hold something in anymore. I asked her what it was and she said, "You know why he was so baby crazy right?" I said, "Oh yeah, his "Have to have kids by the time he was 30" plan". Then she said, "Oh no, him and his brother, the money."
To which I asked what she was talking about and she informed me that my ex-husband's grandparents made a wager with them. Whoever had the first great-grandchild got a CASH BONUS. She knew this because my ex-BIL told her.
Oh I laughed. I said how stupid they were for thinking it was true. She told me that his brother actually had been trying, but his plan was to get someone pregnant first, then do the marriage to ensure she was pregnant.
It all hit me on my way home. It was my ex-husband and his brother's voices in my head. My ex-brother-in-law telling my ex-husband, "I'm gonna end up having a kid before you. I'm going to be first". And my ex-husband getting riled up about it. I had always taken it as my ex-husband was just so anxious about having a family and his brother would have 'stole our thunder' after trying so long.
Then it all clicked. A few hours later I texted her and simply said, "OMG. It was true." She replied "Yup".
The sudden fixer-uppers so conveniently soon to their baby shower, which was held only one month from her due date. The extreme push for us to have children, the fact that his brother got engaged during that same year and then got un-engaged after my ex- & I split. All the times his grandparents DIRECTLY asked me when I was going to give them grandchildren (without the laughs, without the jokes. In the uncomfortable, they're standing waayyyyy too close to me, kinda way).
I'm devastated. Not only was I nothing more than an incubator for him to get a check, but my CHILD would have been nothing to him but the same. He didn't care about my hurt and my fertility struggles. Yes, he was hurt. Because he knew his chance of winning was slipping away. I'm am so sick at the thought, even more sick that it makes everything make sense. Even his choice of her, being an easy target. She had nothing, her husband left her, she was living with friends, she had no one to help her with her kids, no where to live, no car to drive, all working at a truck stop. Here he came, offering a new house (the first HOUSE she ever lived in) for her AND her children, the promise that she wouldn't have to work (she quit her truck stop job & didn't get a job for about 8 months & now her Facebook occupation if Full Time Mommy).
And she was everything that he said he hated, her tattoos, her kids & the baggage, her very, very rough around the edges personality, her trashy friends, the drinking, the trashy clothes, the general unclassiness. (And believe it or not, I am not just bashing her. Seeing pics of her & all kinds of things they had done....I could never, ever compete with that. I don't wear Hustler bras & shoes. I clip coupons for 40% off at the craft store to decorate. Not that I'm a total granny but we're not...uh....two groups that would mix).
But on top of the fact I feel like a used piece of garbage is the fact I'm so mad at myself for not being able to SEE it. To see all his brainwashing and lies, for SOOOOO long. He used me in an attempt to produce a child so he could get a cash bonus, and lied and told me he was so ready for us to be a family, and he DID use another human being and produce a child to collect a cash bonus (which she highly benefited because she secured her permanent residence, especially being the mother of their "property"). He looks like he loves his daughter though and she posted on FB several months ago that she was as happy as she's ever been and in a way I'm happy he can be good to her but it hurts to know he couldn't be good to me. That he didn't want me, that he mentally and physically abused me, controlled me and brainwashed me, kept me from my friends and family for so long, just to be thrown out.
I'm spending my days thinking about how to decorate my new Christmas tree edition, a Twilight tree, and he gets to be an adult and live the "American Dream" with his family. I feel so alone (and I'm on some strong antidepressants) and I feel like I have no one to talk to because nothing that is discovered (like this) even surprises anyone. My mom is my best friend and I told her and she just asked why I was surprised, and said if I had indeed been pregnant we would have had to find a way to get me out of the country or he & his family would have made sure my child was taken away (his family is semi-wealthy and think the rule$ don't apply to them) so we all know it really would have happened. Even though I'm not rushing finding, "love", it it's even out there somewhere but I've seen so many people meet people so quickly and be happy.
I'm just feeling so lost, in ways I haven't felt this entire time. It scares me the thoughts I have sometimes but I think I'm losing the battle of keeping the sadness at bay