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  #1  
December 24th, 2011, 10:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,346
Hello everyone, my name is Krysta and I guess I am about to become a single mommy of 2.

A little background on me: I was (am) married for 10 years, and my husband went to a lawyer yesterday and filed for divorce. This is not a schock to me, but it still feels like being punched. Quite honestly, our marraige hasn't really been a marraige for 5 or more years; we basically have been roommates. Once or twice a year we would have a blow-up where he would tell me he wants to split up and I would talk him into not splitting up because I couldn't bear the though of sharing our children. He says that he just can't do it anymore. Why? Well, I know there are two sides to every story, but honestly I feel like I really haven't done anything wrong. Our first main problem was that when my daughter was born, it was like he couldn't handle not being the center focus anymore. Then after re-connecting with some friends, he gradually started spending more and more time going out in the evenings/weekend nights while I stayed home. I was ok with that, since he said it made him happy since he is so "social" and I was MORE than happy to just be with my daughter. Anyway, we gradually drifted further and further apart, and quite honestly, I have not loved him for a long time, but I would continue to stay in the marraige because the thought of sharing my kids is overwhelming for me. They are the center focus of my life. I even said that to him, and he agrees that they are, and are only a part of his life. But he still wants to see them-alot. And selfishly, I HATE that. He has orally agreed to every other weekend and 1 weeknight a week, and I have said that if my daughter (8) wants to stay over that night, I am ok with that because he asked for this, and quite frankly, I am afraid that if I wouldn't concede that he would petition for addtional days. I feel like it is so touchy. I don't want to give him anymore that I have to, but at the same time want him to be satisfied so he doesn't file for more. If that makes sense. The other main problem I am having is that the house we live in is owned by his aunt, and so the kids and I have to be the ones to move out. I have a place to go, but I just hate that my daugher who is 8 will feel like she is leaving her home, only to go back there every other weekend and for visits. Plus, all of her bedroom furniture is mine from when I grew up, and I want to take it with me for my house. I just feel like the whole situation is so screwed up. My son is only 2, so he will not remember anything, but I am just overly worried about how my daughter will feel. And I am such a worrywart, I won't feel any peace until this custody agreement is signed and filed.

Selfishly, I just wish that he would gradually fade out of the picture, but although in my opinion he doesn't spend a whole lot of time with my children now, I kind of see this going the other way-he will realize that he misses them just being around so much that he will decide to try to modify the custody arrangement. I am just so stressed and nervous. I know custody is never set in stone, but I just feel like if we sign the initial arrangement how I want it, that is a moral victory for me.

Has anyone else here gone thru a similar situation? I guess I am looking for advice, guidance, suggestions, encouragement, anything you can offer me. I know in the long run I will end up much happier than I am now, but like I said before, I was willing to continue our "sham" simply for the sake of not sharing our children. I really dont have any animosity towards my soon to be ex right now, but if he is going to push custody issues I will end up hating him.

I wrote up the custody plan and he took it when he went to the attorney yesterday. The attorney said it was WAY to specific and that he had to generalize and simplify it or the court wouldn't look at-too complicated to figure out. I am (and I wrote this) willing to be very flexible as far as not saying it has to be a set night every week and open to other visits now and then and such, but I DO want to make sure that in no uncertain terms this arrangement sticks to the everyother weekend and 1 weeknight. The lawyer told him he cannot represent me too, but that we can handle everything thru him to save us money which is tight. I just want to be sure that before I sign anything, this lawyer will make any changes that I see the need for.

I know that was REALLY long, thank you if you made it this far. I am just desperate for someone to talk to. I don't really have many friend IRL that I keep up with on a regular basis, and more than anything right now I am in search of hearing from those that have been thru some thing like this to help me get thru it. As I said, I appreciate anything you have to offer!
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  #2  
December 26th, 2011, 10:56 AM
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 24
Hi!

I firmly believe that it's better to leave rather than to set an example for your children that "this" is what a healthy relationship is.

Every situation is different but I was glad that I left when my girls were really young-- they were two and four. It does seem to be a bit more difficult for older children however, a lot of it will depend on how you co-parent together, etc.

I wish you the best of luck!


Tina
Mommy to Makena and Kailani
One Mom's Battle
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  #3  
December 28th, 2011, 11:19 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,029
((hugs)) this is all so difficult for everyone.

While I understand your feelings please encourage the relationship between your children & their father. From what I'm reading he is a decent father - you 2 just aren't meant to be together.

I just say that because live with 2 situations. 1 my dd's bio dad has disappear. And while he wasn't a good father & I fought to get her a safe custody arrangement & in some respects it's good he's out of her life, I have to deal with a 9 year old who constantly wonders why her bio dad doesn't love her

On the other hand, my dh's ex systematically poisoned his oldest dd against him/us to the point where they don't have a relationship anymore (she's now 17). It is very sad because he is the best dad I know. I'm so glad he's the father of my kids and even had him adopt my dd. Dh is trying deparately to salvage a relationship with his youngest (13) - it's tough because bio mom moved them 4 hours away. But oldest dd is really messed up.

Anywho, I know things are raw & scary right now and you will adjust. I hope you ex steps up & becomes the involved dad that your kids deserve.
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  #4  
January 2nd, 2012, 09:31 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,346
Hi Kris Thank you for sharing your experience. You are right, he really isn't a bad dad, I just really believe he isn't cut out for "family life". I am so torn, because it is not as though I want him 100% out of their life, I just can't imagine my life when they are not with me every other weekend and one night during the week. when I say it, it doesn't sound too bad, but when I think about what I will do during those times, I just envision myself sitting alone and crying and missing them and counting down time until they return. I know I will eventually adjust, but it just makes me so sad and anxious to think about it. I am dreading it coming up. I know I need to suck it up and move forward, but I just can't seem to do that yet. I do know though that it will be best for them to have a relationship with him, and this is about them, not me. I wish I could see into the future and know everything will work out and be ok, that would help me out a ton!!!

Sorry to hear about the situation that your DH is dealing with. Hopefully things will work out with his younger child so everyone can be happy.
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  #5  
January 6th, 2012, 07:25 AM
Newbies
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
First of all I'm sorry you're going through a divorce, it will be a big change, but things will work out.

Just a little advice- your husbands attorney represents HIM, not you, always keep that in mind. You might be eligible to have legal aid help you come up with an acceptable custody agreement for no charge.

Standard visitation, in most situations, is every other weekend and possibly 1 night (maybe after school to 8pm) during the week. I can almost guarantee the judge is not going to leave overnight decisions to an 8 year old and might look down on you for not fostering a relationship with their dad. In fact, the judge might split the time up closer to 50/50 if you leave it up to the courts. Unless their dad is abusive, and you can prove it, he'll get overnights, that's guaranteed.

I know the thought of not having the kids with you everynight is hard, but think of it as a break for you. You will move on in life and will want to date without 2 kids sitting beside you in the movies or dinner. You need "me" time, and a chance to enjoy your new life. I've been remarried for 11 years and enjoy the kids going to their dads. Yes, it's hard at first, but you'll come to enjoy it.

Luckily your husband seems to be reasonable and not going for full custody, that's good for you. If you can come to terms without going to court then you'll come out ahead. Make sure you put holidays and summer vacations in the custody order, have every detail spelled out in the order so there are no surprises later.....remember, court orders are your friend.

On another note, even if your court ordered says every other weekend, he isn't required to pick the kids up if he doesn't want to. If your worries about dad prove true, then he won't be a big part of the kids life. Dad might surprise you and step up, you never know, but you have to give him a chance or your kids might resent you.

Kids are smart, don't ever under estimate them. I've never said a bad word about my ex in front of the kids, they have figured out everything on their own. Don't make the kids feel like they have to choose which parent they want to make happy, it isn't fair to the them. Remember, you made the kids TOGETHER.

Good Luck!
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  #6  
January 17th, 2012, 02:00 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 555
Quote:
Originally Posted by FireflyMommy View Post
Hi Kris Thank you for sharing your experience. You are right, he really isn't a bad dad, I just really believe he isn't cut out for "family life". I am so torn, because it is not as though I want him 100% out of their life, I just can't imagine my life when they are not with me every other weekend and one night during the week. when I say it, it doesn't sound too bad, but when I think about what I will do during those times, I just envision myself sitting alone and crying and missing them and counting down time until they return. I know I will eventually adjust, but it just makes me so sad and anxious to think about it. I am dreading it coming up. I know I need to suck it up and move forward, but I just can't seem to do that yet. I do know though that it will be best for them to have a relationship with him, and this is about them, not me. I wish I could see into the future and know everything will work out and be ok, that would help me out a ton!!!

Sorry to hear about the situation that your DH is dealing with. Hopefully things will work out with his younger child so everyone can be happy.
The first few weekends when my boys went to their dad's house were pretty hard. I found things to keep me occupied...saved bigger projects around the house for those weekends, made plans with friends (I never go out when I have the kids), went shopping, etc. It made it slightly easier. Best of luck to you!
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Mom to:
Quinn - 10
Gavyn & Kendric - 8
Joseph - 18 months
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Kiersten - 8
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  #7  
January 17th, 2012, 11:24 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 4
My parents were "roommates" and only stayed together because of us kids. Honestly it would have been better for them to split. I was raised with a unhealthy marriage as my example. I am also divorced. If your husband isn't really around now he may not be around later despite his claims now. Your daughter will adjust just try to keep interactions between you and your ex civil. My son is almost 8 so I can relate with the age. It may help her having her furniture at your new house and the house with your ex. It may help her adjust quicker than you think since she will have personal belongings at both homes. Most states have a minimum parent plan- if a parent wants additional time than they would have to take it in front of the court.
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  #8  
January 27th, 2012, 02:27 PM
stardusthealer's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
Posts: 642
My ex-husband and I we're married for 11.5 yrs. The only good thing in our marriage were our 3 kids. My ex was abusive to me every way possible.
I finally left with our kids in August 2009. After we agreed to separate 2 days later he had a gf and a week later he moved her in our home with me and the kids there. He didn't give a crap what i thought or that it sent our kids into turmoil.
Once we did leave the kids were at a calm. We live 3.5 hours away from him and he gets visitation the 1st and 3rd weekend of every weekend. He barely ever shows up to see the kids he might show up 4-5 visits a year. When he does take them to his house there are no rules and his gf and him scream at each other and are verbally abusive. My kids have no relationship with their father as he is inconsistent and he only calls them once in a while. Their psychologist has told me if him seeing the kids is harmful to them which it is that I don't have to send them.
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