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This is going to be a long post, sorry.
So I will just jump right in to my situation
My husband and I have been married for seven years. We got married when I was 20, he was 27. We had our first child right away (unplanned). I had a real hard time after having my baby with postpartum depression, and in that time, my husband and I had a lot of problems. I was pretty sure at that point that is was over, so as a result, I ended up having an affair with an ex-boyfriend at that time. It only happened once, and we worked through it and my husband forgave me. We ended up having another baby about a year later. Our marriage was still rocky, there were trust issues, but it seemed as if we always worked thought things. Over the last couple years, his behavior really went downhill. He yelled at me all the time, threatened me -- especially to "punch me in the ******* face" and "beat my ***" (even though he never physically laid a hand on me). Called me names: ****, crazy, *****, *****, stupid, and ****. Put me down and my abilities as a mother, homemaker, wife, and made me feel like nothing I do is ever going to be good enough...Constantly accused me of having affairs, even though I do not have the desire or freedom to have affairs. He also threatened that IF I did ever have an affair, he would MURDER both the guy and me... He was very controlling on all the financial decisions, not allowing me to spend money… He refused to listen to my opinion, ideas, and I was never in on any major decisions. He broke items out of anger, and punched holes in the walls and doors. And he threatened suicide if I don't stay with him. I put up with this behavior for probably two years before I had it. I told him if he did not change his ways that I would leave him. He begged and pleaded for me not to leave, and he apologized profusely. He agreed to see a marriage counselor, and do anger management. He also went on Zoloft to help with his mood. This was six months ago, and things have been going well. He has treated me with total respect and love, and the counseling has been a success. However, I feel like so much damage was done, that I can never heal so long as I am married to him. I have planned to divorce him this summer as soon as my oldest child is out of school. He feels like I am the bad guy here because he has worked so hard to change his behavior and try to better our marriage, and I am just going to leave him. This is so hard because while part of me does love him, so much more of me hates him. So all this to say, I would just like some support, input, and any advice is welcome! Thanks so much.
Hi ayden, sorry about your relationship.Id say you both are in dire need of therapy. NO matter what anyone says,we all came from some sort of abuse -childhood.We lived it.We carry it within us.We just dont see it,or would rather denie it.This is what is causing all the problems with in both of you. So IF possible BOTH could sit & talk over any issue,would be helpful to ur relationship.Im 61 mom,grandma.divorced. Ive been searching for some sort of NICE med for my issues.lol-I have so far found faster eft-Robert Smith YouTube.It works awesome.Its our emotions ,which we create when young & carry with us.We all need help.We all have issues.Take care
The thing with divorce is that it has many negative effects in the body. Women often become so worried and stressed out from the divorce that they do not realize the constant harm it brings to their body. And eventually you turn from a loving, trusting person to a mean bitter person. That is what Divorce should not do. You should not let divorce change you but see divorce as an opportunity to change yourself. There was a very intelligent book written by Barbara Williams on Divorce and how to avoid self-critiquing thoughts and reprogram your conscious. This book is a very informative and insightful book on why men are able to better cope with divorce than women. But mainly it guides and tells women how and why it is so important to take care of yourself during this vulnerable phase. It is very easy to lose sight during this time and do harmful damage to your mental health and to feed your conscious negative thoughts daily. I was criticizing myself so much after the divorce which resulted in very lowself-esteem and an altered sense of reality. I was being beaten down by my own inner conscious daily which put negative feelings in my body. You can visit the link for more information. Life after Divorce: Avoid self-critiquing thoughts and reprogram your conscious: Barbara Williams: Amazon.com: Kindle Store
I have to say that if the old issues (though honestly not that old) are causing you problems, then it's your right to decide to call it quits. Someone can decide to change but it doesn't set things right again. I left my ex-fiance 11 years ago because of some major issues. At the time I had a 2 week old daughter and leaving the man I loved was remarkably easy. Even if he decided to change, it still wouldn't erase all the major issues we had leading up to my daughter's birth. That kind of psychological abuse and pain do not become erased just because he stopped doing that stuff.
There is an old saying of "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." I say that's a bunch of malarkey because the truth is that a physical wound will heal but the emotional ones stay with us. I know that if I had stayed with my ex that it would have caused harm to my daughter. She would have seen the constant fighting, the constant pain I was in emotionally, and it would have torn her in two. Sometimes leaving a bad relationship or marriage is the best thing you can do for your children. You are allowed to try to be happier and your kids will see that. I would rather raise my daughter alone with a better home environment than raise her with the constant conflict of two parents still together.