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I could really use some opinions and suggestions.


Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  • 1 Post By short_n_swt

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  #1  
July 25th, 2012, 11:47 PM
HarleyQuinn's Avatar Jacob's Mommy :)
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 143
I used this forum a few years back when I was pregnant with my first and only. When my son turned about 5 months my husband and I separated. It was a really bad break up but shortly after we decided to try and work it out but not live together. This was all after a long custody and divorce battle. (We managed to agree on equal shared custody.) He moved in with his mom and I moved in with mine. It's been almost a year that we've been separated now. The only time we EVER see eachother is on Wednesdays when he drops off the baby. We spend some time together sometimes. Go see a movie, dinner, ect. No longer than 3 hours. We don't talk at all any other time. Tuesdays we plan a time for the drop off and that is it. I don't even know this man anymore. Well I was thinking a lot about how I can't work on something that isn't existent. I sat him down today and I asked him to give me an honest to god answer to if he still loves me, he said yes. I told him, you said you wanted to work on this and eventually get our lives back together but at this point I feel like my life is on hold, and after a year, I can't just sit here and not know how to plan out my Future, it's either with you, or alone. I told him I'm not rushing him, but if he wants to work it out we need to start talking about future plans of moving back in together. Our son is turning two in a few months and he doesn't know what a real living arrangement is. After an hour of talking, he finally said he doesn't want to lose me so if I really want to move back in together he'll consider it. We decided if it was to happen it would be around February of next year. Now I don't know if getting back together would be the best thing, but I know if we do, everything will always be stable. I just don't know if I could be happier elsewhere.

Before I end this, let me tell you guys how the separation went.

This man is a big child. He plays video games religiously. Which never bothered me and still doesn't. But there is always a line to be crossed. For 2 years I sat by his side and watched him play. We use to go out and do things together but it eventually came to end. He never wanted to do anything, at all. I was unemployed which made me more miserable, always sitting at home, and when he was at work, I still sat at home and waited for him. He never stopped me from doing anything, he's not a controlling person. I just never had anything to do. Well after baby Jacob was born, I got a job and I met some people that invited me out, so I started going out from time to time. He didn't seem to mind. As a little time went by, I started going out more and more. I never did anything wrong or anything like that. But he would sit at home and play video games, and I'd be bored. I would get invited out, why wouldn't I go, if I was bored and there wasnt anything to do, you know what I mean? Well I guess he started getting annoyed with me leaving, but he never said anything. If he would have asked me to stay, I would have.

Well one day, I was out, and I called my husband to see how things were going and how Jake was doing. I was getting his voicemail. For hours, I was trying to call and I got nothing. I was getting crazy worried. So I went home, and his car wasn't there. When I go in our apartment, all of his stuff and my sons stuff was gone. You can only imagine what happened then. He didn't speak to me for 3 weeks and didn't let me see my son, nothing. He was about 6 months then. For 3 weeks he kept me away from my son. After 3 weeks he let me see him at his moms house for an hour. Then a few days later he came to see me with him. I managed to convince him to start giving him to me half the week and then we got it legalized in court. Being away from Jacob for that long changed everything. It took me forever to get a mother-son relationship and it's still not as strong as it could be or was. But now we are pretty close and being away from him for that half of the week drives me crazy. Especially since they raise him different then we do. I want to be raising my son, my way. Not his parents way.

What do I do?
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  #2  
August 9th, 2012, 07:59 AM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In the middle of a disaster!
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I'm sorry for your situation. I have a girlfriend who's husband is the same with video games, so I can only imagine how it made you feel.

My questions are (and with no judgement), but how would this time be different then before? You know you were generally unhappy previously, so what would change this time?
Secondly, would you resent him for his previous actions of taking your son and taking off? And, what would change that from ever happening again?
I think in order to find out if you would be happier elsewhere, you need to live elsewhere, and by that I mean a different state of mind. By your story, you've been living your life around this man who has cut you off from your child, cut you off from a relationship with him but also with potentially anyone else in making you wait.
Finally, if you were your son, would you rather grow up knowing your dad has a video game addiction and leaves your mother to be miserable on the side until he's ready to have family time, or would you rather see them happy in separate places?
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  #3  
December 10th, 2012, 05:41 PM
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I'm so sorry for your situation, besides the fact your husband left and took your son with you (which is terrible by the way) it reminds me of my ex and I. I was constantly sitting by watching him play, waiting for him to want to do something with me. I felt put on the back burner, so I understand that aspect.

But honestly, what he did with your son is so awful. Being a mother and having your baby taken from you, is just terrible. I feel like that's not what a good husband/father would do. I think you deserve better
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  #4  
August 12th, 2013, 03:04 PM
HarleyQuinn's Avatar Jacob's Mommy :)
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by GwenStacey310 View Post
I'm so sorry for your situation, besides the fact your husband left and took your son with you (which is terrible by the way) it reminds me of my ex and I. I was constantly sitting by watching him play, waiting for him to want to do something with me. I felt put on the back burner, so I understand that aspect.

But honestly, what he did with your son is so awful. Being a mother and having your baby taken from you, is just terrible. I feel like that's not what a good husband/father would do. I think you deserve better
Sorry I've been away for a while.
Thank you so much for your advice.
We did not get back together but he still tries to kiss me and hug me when exchanging the baby.
Now I'm afraid of him finding out I'm dating someone. He's not one to take things well, obviously.

Quote:
Originally Posted by short_n_swt View Post
I'm sorry for your situation. I have a girlfriend who's husband is the same with video games, so I can only imagine how it made you feel.

My questions are (and with no judgement), but how would this time be different then before? You know you were generally unhappy previously, so what would change this time?
Secondly, would you resent him for his previous actions of taking your son and taking off? And, what would change that from ever happening again?
I think in order to find out if you would be happier elsewhere, you need to live elsewhere, and by that I mean a different state of mind. By your story, you've been living your life around this man who has cut you off from your child, cut you off from a relationship with him but also with potentially anyone else in making you wait.
Finally, if you were your son, would you rather grow up knowing your dad has a video game addiction and leaves your mother to be miserable on the side until he's ready to have family time, or would you rather see them happy in separate places?
Thank you. You're definitely right. We didn't end up back together. It's like he wants me there just because he doesn't want to completely let me go, but he doesn't want to be together together. I wish he would understand that I'm not just going to hang around for nothing.
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