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I'm 25, DH, 31. We've been together since I was 19, he 25. He had a 6, now 12 year old. We have 2 daughters, Riley 3, Allison, 1. They are my whole wide worlds. We are currently separated. I finally got up the guts in July to get out and get my own place. I live in a nice apartment, he moved in with his mom. He lived with his mom when we got together, she pretty much cared for his son who he has full custody of only because DSS' mom is a felon drug addict in and out of prison. He gives himself far too much credit for having full custody. He is psychology screwing up his son. I've posted links to past posts on here if you decide you really care:
Okay, so here goes. I was verbally/emotionally and physically abused as a child. Because of this I feel like I deserve a husband that should be my safe place and show me differently. He feels that "The damage is already done and it's not his fault it sets off triggers" when he screams at me until I'm crying and begging him to stop. He does this in front of our daughters and they get scared and cry, and still wont stop, saying he doesn't give an ***, we're handling this now. My 3 year old has down syndrome and because she really doesn't understand what's happening she punches herself between the eyes when it happens. He apologized afterward and knows it's wrong but can't control it in the moment. The frequency has lessened, but I feel like I don't trust him, and definitely don't love him. He always says I hold grudges and refuse to let things go. I will say that I do remember things, but I think it's a defense mechanism from being screwed over by the people I was supposed to trust in my life. He also expects me to forgive and forget within an hour.
Some things that really bother me:
Once while we were driving and arguing with the kids (DSS and 2 daughters) in the car he said he wished a semi would hit our car and kill our whole family and just put us out of our misery now.
When my father got into a horrible motorcycle accident last year and laid in a hospital bed in a coma for 2 weeks before dying he screamed at me in the back room about what a selfish b**** I am and how I can't stop to think about other people.
He never held or played with either of our daughters. My second DD was 10 months old before she slept on him for the first time. I slept on the couch for the first 5 weeks of her life so he didn't have to wake up and hear her cry to nurse.
He screams at his son and I really emotionally damaging things. That we're worthless, etc. I hate this and I know the effects it has. His son is rude and hateful toward me, but I still don't want him to be damaged. He's said on multiple occasions that he can't stand his son and will just send him off to live with his gma or mom if he doesn't get his act together. Then expects me to still unconditionally love his child that shows me absolute disrespect. He told me that his son was going to murder me in the middle of the night because I'VE screwed him up so much. I have tried so much for his son, but with absolutely no support. He has a lot of issues, but is very smart. With a little guidance and parental love he could go in a great direction, but DH won't give it to him. He never pays attention to him. Just lets him play M rated video games all day long in his underwear with no responsibility or accountability for his failing grades the school has been calling me about.
He's called me every name in the book, I think money grubbing wh*re stung the worst. He fights dirty. He's always telling me I'm already screwed up and damaged, blah blah blah. In a way it's true. My mother told me as a child that I was disgusting and that no one would love me, I would end up alone. My only goal in life was to get married and have kids. So I married the first sucker that wanted to settle down and had his babies just to prove her wrong. Is that a self fulfilling prophecy or what? Anyway, I do realize my value now, unfortunately it was too late.
There is so much more, but obviously I'm not going to recount the last 5 years for you. He has made some improvements and we're only separated at this point, I haven't filed for divorce. I've been on my own in my own beautiful apartment, working and taking care of the girls and I since August 10th. He's trying to win me back saying I'm young and immature and don't respect marriage and need to give it more effort. I DO want my girls to have their family together. He has made improvements in his anger and given more of himself to them. The problem is I don't love him or trust him. I cringe when he touches me. When we had sex I didn't want to kiss him, I just wanted to get it over with. I used to be a passionate person. He has ADD and is slow and always in his own world. I'm a quick thinker and would love someone that could thrill me with quick witty intellectual conversation and I want to enjoy being touched. He says I live in a fairy tale. I don't think being in a loving respectful relationship is a fairy tale. I don't expect firework first date type love forever, but I also don't want to keep pushing through in this life I'm miserable with. Am I selfish?
What if I teach my girls it's okay for a man to treat them this way?
He wants me to get my tubes tied and I don't want to because I really want a third baby but I know I don't want his baby because I don't want to risk having his son. I'd really love to have a son, but I wouldn't want him to have any influence on my boy. I can't imagine knowing my son grew up to be a man that treated his family this way. How sick is that, right?
I know it's long... If you've made it this far I'd really appreciate your advice.
I say you're doing the right thing to be separated. I would go ahead and file for divorce. Your children need someone who is consistent and your H doesn't sound that way at all. His abusive patterns won't change without serious therapy. Sure, he may be "changed" for a few days or weeks but to be truly changed he'll need professional help to change how he's acted for many years.
Since your DD, 3, has Downs is she in an Early Intervention class? If so you could ask her teachers how she's doing now that she has less contact with her father.
My exH told me I'd never find another man like him and boy was he right. I found much BETTER. I also heard the money grubbing *****. No, it's called stop spending our bill money on entertainment and car things. I have someone now who has NEVER called me a profane name so it's possible to find a man like that. Good luck to you!