Log In Sign Up

Not divorced or separated...


Forum: Divorce and Separation

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Divorce and Separation LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
August 20th, 2006, 07:35 PM
My2cuties's Avatar Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 18
Ok, so I really don't know where to begin. I am married and have 2 children with my husband. My husband is also in the military (a reservist).We've always had a great relationship, however, for the past couple years things have been bad, going to worse. In January of 2004 my husband was deployed to Iraq. Our son was 1 1/2 at the time, and I gave birth to my daughter shortly after he left. When he came home from Iraq in October 2004 my son was just over 2 and my daughter was about 6 months old. Obviously from the time he left us to the time he came home a lot had changed. That is where things started getting bad. He seemed to have lost trust in me while he was away. I know he was upset because there wasn't a lot left in saving when he came home, but there was no way that he was accepting that having a baby, buying a new vehicle, and moving while he was in Iraq cost as much as it did. He still holds it against me for that. I think he was expecting our savings account to be huge because he was making a bit more while there (while in Iraq all pay is tax free, and he also got special pays). He holds it over my head all the time that I didn't save money while he was gone. OK, so we both go back to school last fall (2005). I wasn't working, and my husband was working overnights, and would go to school during the day, and sleep in the evening. So basically he wasn't around to really raise the kids, or spend time with me, or anything you really need in a strong relationship. We are always saying 'It'll get better when..." to eachother. Well basically I am tired of saying 'it will get better'. Now my husband is going to be going to Iraq again. He is training out of state right now, and has been since June, and will be on his way into Iraq in Sept. Before leaving for training he told me that if I didn't save money while he is away that he will divorce me. So, he gave me and 'allowance', so to speak, of $2000 a month. Well, when you add all of the bills, grocery, gas, ect... it is just over $2000. And that is just paying the minimum payment on everything, so really no chance of getting ahead on the bills, or paying off debt. (Oh I suppose I must add that during the last deployment I did get all of our debt paid off... we did something stupid, and added to it in this past year and a half, so now we have more debt than we previously did)
Ok, so a few weeks ago the kids and I flew out to visit my husband while he had leave, and I just didn't feel the same way about him as I have for so long. I think what really got me, is that my husband hadn't seen me in about 2 months and when we went to pick him up from base he didn't hug me. It was 2 hours before I got any kind of affection from him, and then I had to tell him to hug me. It almost seemed as if he didn't really care that I was there. He hugged the kids. He introduced me and the kids to everyone, but he had to be told to hug me.
I just don't know what it is. I think I am tired of being a 'married single mom' and I am tired of waiting for our relationship to get better. I have lost so much sleep over this relationship, I have been on 3 different kinds of sleeping pills, and nothing has really worked, and so the next step is getting on anxiety pills. I'm just thinking that it may be simpler if we just went our separate ways. Maybe not fully divorce, but separate for a while.

So I guess the advice I am looking for is: Am I being to petty? Am I facing more of a separation anxiety, and my feeling are getting the best of me? Is our relationship salvagable? Or should I really just wait it out and see if 'it will get better'?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
August 21st, 2006, 02:50 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,425
Quote:
So I guess the advice I am looking for is: Am I being to petty? Am I facing more of a separation anxiety, and my feeling are getting the best of me? Is our relationship salvagable? Or should I really just wait it out and see if 'it will get better'?[/b]
I don't think your being petty... but I know what you are going through... I am recently a divorced active duty mom to two wonderful girls... Ex hubby is serving at this base with me as well. I went through the same exact thing. It went from bad to worse. He deployed 2 years in a row, #1 rotation was 4 months he came home to a 6 month prego wife... #2 he left 3 months after baby was born... Things were awful.
#1 I didn't trust him...
#2 I really didn't feel the way a wife was suppose to feel about her husband.

I knew he was unfaithful when he returned home...

I don't think you are facing seperation anxiety I think he is being a prick about the money situation and not trusting you. I would seriously take some time to get a long look at your marriage.
Ask yourself why you stay, why you love him, why you care so much about him.
Then ask yourself this: Am I in love with him for real or for convience.

I think any marriage is salvagable! When "2" people work together and piece things together and get help from someone on the outside looking in. I think it can really work if you find that medium to stand on and say ok... here is what we need to do.

As far as him being deployed~ be supportive... send little messages like your my everything and my all to me... Nothing hurts more than knowing someone you love doesn't show support. He is going through alot and trust me I know about what happens in the good ol sandbox. Alot of things can run through your mind! I would seriously calm down and let your heart guide you to where you need to be... Trust me... Don't make rash decisions... especially since you CANNOT file for divorce unless he agrees to it because of the soldiers and sailors act!

Don't give up on something you want! You loved him when you married him so why not find that love again

I want you to write down everything you love about this man and read it... then everything you dislike and read it... then everything YOU think YOU need to change about YOURSELF. Don't write down what he needs to improve... work on you first...

If you need anything feel free to pm me... I am in Germany so the time zones are WAY different.... But chin up and God's speed! Wendy
__________________


Thank you Jacquie for the beautiful siggy!


Getting ready to do what I do!!!! One day at a time! Protecting your freedom!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
August 21st, 2006, 08:14 AM
mrobinson
Guest
Posts: n/a
<strike>sending pm</strike> Not enough posts too! I have no idea what that is like!

Hello! My name is Michelle..

Quote:
Ok, so I really don't know where to begin. I am married and have 2 children with my husband. My husband is also in the military (a reservist).We've always had a great relationship, however, for the past couple years things have been bad, going to worse. In January of 2004 my husband was deployed to Iraq. Our son was 1 1/2 at the time, and I gave birth to my daughter shortly after he left. When he came home from Iraq in October 2004 my son was just over 2 and my daughter was about 6 months old. Obviously from the time he left us to the time he came home a lot had changed. That is where things started getting bad. He seemed to have lost trust in me while he was away. I know he was upset because there wasn't a lot left in saving when he came home, but there was no way that he was accepting that having a baby, buying a new vehicle, and moving while he was in Iraq cost as much as it did. He still holds it against me for that. I think he was expecting our savings account to be huge because he was making a bit more while there (while in Iraq all pay is tax free, and he also got special pays). He holds it over my head all the time that I didn't save money while he was gone. OK, so we both go back to school last fall (2005). I wasn't working, and my husband was working overnights, and would go to school during the day, and sleep in the evening. So basically he wasn't around to really raise the kids, or spend time with me, or anything you really need in a strong relationship. We are always saying 'It'll get better when..." to eachother. Well basically I am tired of saying 'it will get better'. Now my husband is going to be going to Iraq again. He is training out of state right now, and has been since June, and will be on his way into Iraq in Sept. Before leaving for training he told me that if I didn't save money while he is away that he will divorce me. So, he gave me and 'allowance', so to speak, of $2000 a month. Well, when you add all of the bills, grocery, gas, ect... it is just over $2000. And that is just paying the minimum payment on everything, so really no chance of getting ahead on the bills, or paying off debt. (Oh I suppose I must add that during the last deployment I did get all of our debt paid off... we did something stupid, and added to it in this past year and a half, so now we have more debt than we previously did)
Ok, so a few weeks ago the kids and I flew out to visit my husband while he had leave, and I just didn't feel the same way about him as I have for so long. I think what really got me, is that my husband hadn't seen me in about 2 months and when we went to pick him up from base he didn't hug me. It was 2 hours before I got any kind of affection from him, and then I had to tell him to hug me. It almost seemed as if he didn't really care that I was there. He hugged the kids. He introduced me and the kids to everyone, but he had to be told to hug me.
I just don't know what it is. I think I am tired of being a 'married single mom' and I am tired of waiting for our relationship to get better. I have lost so much sleep over this relationship, I have been on 3 different kinds of sleeping pills, and nothing has really worked, and so the next step is getting on anxiety pills. I'm just thinking that it may be simpler if we just went our separate ways. Maybe not fully divorce, but separate for a while.

So I guess the advice I am looking for is: Am I being to petty? Am I facing more of a separation anxiety, and my feeling are getting the best of me? Is our relationship salvagable? Or should I really just wait it out and see if 'it will get better'?[/b]
I'm so sorry your facing this.. I think lots of people outside the military don't see the true meaning of sacrific because it's way bigger than facing possible death.. It's being away from families and being distance when reunited.. It's a huge toll on family.

I don't think you're being petty at all! Sure relationships are salvageable but he needs to be there for it to work.. Hon.. if you want to chat more, please feel free to pm me anytime.

Michelle
Reply With Quote
  #4  
August 21st, 2006, 12:37 PM
CrazyFrog
Guest
Posts: n/a
I don't think you are being petty at all. It sounds like he is being unrealistic about the money and should be thanking you for doing such an amazing job while he's away. It takes a strong woman to deal with a military man, I know I couldn't do it.

I don't see anything wrong with a separation if it's what you feel is necessary. But don't be surprised if during the separation he thinks of it as "free reign" to do what he wants. You should lay down clear rules about what you consider cheating, even if you are separated. Until you have made a decision to NOT be together permanently, no one should be sleeping around IMO.

I say all this bc when my ex and I split we had a 4 week separation first. We would decide what we wanted at the end of the 4 weeks. Even though he didn't sleep around, he spent the whole time partying and making out with chicks in clubs/bars and didn't think at all about the fate of us. At the end, he hadn't made a decision even though I had (which was that I was done for good). He then decided to think about stuff and wanted me back.

Good luck and we are here if you need us for anything.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:45 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0