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... make me wonder why I'm even trying to salvage whats left of this marriage. We went to his company picnic today. It was in the mid 80s and sunny, of course girls and women were wearing short shorts and backless tops. He oggled every single one of them and denied it everytime I said something.
I've always taken the backseat to everything else that's going on in his life. Mainly work. There was a period of 5 years where he worked a fulltime job, a parttime job and golfed at least once a week. He was never home. He got laid off from his main job and went to his current employer, where he was still gone all the time. His company changed owners and now he has a new position and he's home even less and its been almost a year of "It'll get better" b.s. If I want to talk to him during the day, I'm the one who has to call his cell. He rarely calls me.
I just left the lower level. We're cleaning it out and redoing/fixing things because my best friend and her family are moving in in on the 22nd. There's 3 bedrooms, a bath and a family room down there that they can use. My husband has one of the bedrooms that is strictly for his Nascar crap and he's refusing to box it up for the time being so they can use it. Fine. Whatever. So, we're cleaning out the store room and another bedroom and I see Nascar crap EVERYWHERE! Even in closets!!! Not to mention that nothing is organized, everything is just thrown in whichever room he saw fit. If he was looking for something, he didn't bother to put anything back. He just left it where he flung it. The Christmas decorations where all over the floor... even my snowmen and tree ornaments. But do you think any of his Nascar crap was on the floor? No. Also forgetting to mention, that while we were clearing out the other bedroom, there was paint all over the carpet! He put the paint can up on something and it fell off! So, now, we have another room to remodel and fix before next Friday. We're not even done with the other stuff we started yet!!!!!
I guess clearing out the rooms and going to company picnic today just reminded me of how I feel so unimportant to him. He doesn't even acknowledge that. He rarely acknowledges any of my feelings. Yeah sure he says "I know" or "I understand" crap, but he doesn't. He just says it to pacify me until the next time I'm ticked off.
There's alot of crap I put up with for 11 years. Why am I even trying? I don't know. Maybe for the kids. Maybe cuz I don't think I could handle the stress and grief of a divorce. I can barely handle every day stuff as it is and keep my sanity. Maybe cuz he's not all bad. He's a great dad and provides well for us (now). He makes me laugh. But he's a $h!tty husband.
I'm just tired of being so angry, depressed, lonely, jealous, untrusting, etc. Days like today make me think that a divorce would be so much easier to deal with than what I'm trying to cope with right now.
Having been in a similar situation as yours, I understand how frustrated you are and how you feel. You need to ask yourself, is it worth it? If so, give it your all and let him know you expect the same from him. With my marriage I decided to give it one year to get better or it was over. I told my ex that and agreed that we would work on it. It only took 6 months for me to realize it would NEVER get better. We originally agreed on a trial separation for 6 months, but it only took me a couple weeks to decide I was done for good. I'm not saying you should leave him, but you deserve to be happy, loved, and appreciated. If he can't see that, then he doesn't deserve you. We are always here if you need to vent.
Thank you, Jerinda. We've been down this road so many times, I've lost count. He won't ever move out and since he's not abusive, the only recourse I have is to move out myself. Which is really tempting sometimes. But if I do that, in the eyes of the law, I abandon this house and give up my claim to it. My grandmother would kill me if I did that. LOL She raised her 8 babies here. Besides, I love this house. I have fabulous childhood memories here and I'm hoping to give my children the same.
I just wish he'd leave. That he'd see this isn't working and its not ever going to work. There's just too much (on both sides) hurt for it ever to work. But he won't leave.