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First off, hey there Sue! I don't know if you remember me or not, but I was a member here wayyy back in the day. My user name was SpideyMama (or something like that). I have been back here since November-ish. Your kids are getting soooo big.
As for your home-life situation...men can be so dumb and insensitive sometimes. As I've said to others before, once I thought my marriage was hopeless, I gave myself one year to make it better or run away fast. It only took me about 6 months to realize it would never work and I left. I told my ex what my intentions were when I decided on the one year, and that he had to step up to make this marriage work. He swore that he would try his hardest, but ended up just being the same as before. I would certainly let him know that you are unhappy and you are willing to be alone to make yourself happy. If he doesn't step up and try, a separation would be my next move. If he still doesn't step up and do what's right, divorce may be in your future.
This is just my opinion and you should do what's right for you and your kids. Just remember that you deserve happiness and to be treated right. Yes, the romance and stuff fizzles the longer you are in a relationship, but that doesn't mean it should fizzle away completely.
It's certainly a difficult situation. I tried counseling several times before our divorce and it really never worked. I found that each person has to feel good about themselves before marriage counseling can be effective, or at least that's how it was for us. My ex is a recovering alcholic and that contributed to a lot of our issues. If he is seeing a counselor you might consider doing the same for now and then trying joint counseling later. I saw a therapist for about a year and she really helped me build back my self worth. She was the one who helped me understand that I deserved to be treated with respect and love and that is what made me realize my marriage was over. I did try for another year and a half to make it work but it didn't. I am now re-married and the happiest I have ever been. However, I know a lot of couples that have had positive outcomes from counseling as well.
I think that ultimately if both of you realize there are problems and are unhappy you can probably work it out. Marriages have down times and it's important to look at all sides of the issue carefully. For me, divorce meant that I could be myself again. I had spent a lot of years trying to please my ex and losing myself in the process. I was also much happier emotionally and a better mother to my children.
Best of luck to you in what iI am sure is a very difficult time.
Alison - Mom to: Augustus (2) Maximus (3) Eleanor (5) Reid (6) Evelyn (8) Lucas (12) Christopher (14)