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  #1  
September 12th, 2008, 08:01 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ok - ladies, I need your help. Heres the short & dirty version:

I have a cousin that I grew up playing with - we're not "tight" but we were close growing up. I'm still close to his parents (my aunt/uncle) and his sister (my other cousin). Hes just a guy, and you know how guys are lol.

SO - hes getting married tomorrow - and I OFFERED to do their photography for their wedding as a gift if they wanted - no pressure, but it was on the table. His fiance agreed, thanked me, blah blah blah (I did their engagement pics too).

So - wedding is tomorrow - I get to the rehearsal tonight & my cousin (the younger sister of the groom) says that the bride to be approached her and told her to tell me that today & tomorrow (the wedding date) that she wanted me to nurse "privately" - as in... in another room. Not at the wedding, not at the reception - I would have to go elsewhere (another room in the building - where I'm not sure its not like there are a lot of "rooms" u know?).

So - whatever - I told my cousin basically that it was EFFED up and i wasnt going ANYWHERE, and if she didnt have the nerve to ask me nicely herself, that i was in my right mind to not come at all - but i wouldnt do that to my aunt & uncle who have been part of the main planners (and PAYERS i might add).

So i stewed on it a while - and finally told my cousin - it was wrong of her to have been put in the middle - if she wanted, she could "rewind" - tell the bride that she never told me - and just be out of it. Which she should have never been put in the middle to begin with. I left it up to her though - if she didnt want to do that, that was fine, I'd handle it. She decided to tell the bride that she didnt like being the middle man & couldnt tell me b/c she didnt agree.

So - the bride proceeds to go on & on about how someone HAD to tell me, it was HER day, and it was SOOOOO innappropriate for me to be doing that, and she just KNEW I would do it. My cousin (the groom) tried deflecting & calming the sitch I guess by saying i probably wouldnt even nurse her at all anyways id be so busy (which is true, plus azlin's almost 2 so she doesnt nurse much anymore).

i am infuriated. How dare she. Its gonna take all i have to be nice tomorrow, knowing what shes said. What kills me is she was nursed until she was 4!!! But shes young, thinks her mom is archaic & crazy, and everything that is even SIMILAR to her mom she shuns from. shes embarassed of her mom, etc. Which is a shame really but thats not my issue. In fact, I dont feel like her feelings about BFIng in general are my issue anyways.

So - what should i do? Nobody has said anything to me - none of my family (except my husband) would side with me, yet none of them are brave enough to confront me lol - and all of them know how i am about it so if they did theyd be doing it to appease her knowing id be like *** that. lol. My family is NOT nonconfrontational & I Have NO Problem sayign how i feel about it.

I wont ruin her day - i'll keep my mouth shut unless someone is disrespectful to me. But - when its said & done - I will let her know it was rude & disrespectful to talk about me behind my back & its offensive to think my daughter should have to eat in another room (I wont get started on how her sister is a-ok to feed her baby w/ a propped up bottle during the rehearsal dinner).

What would you do? What do you think i should do? Nurse if my daughter needs nursing, where i Normally would, like i normally would, like i dont know anything? Go to another room if i can? Wait till someone says something? Agree? Say heck no im not goign elsewhere?

Lala...
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  #2  
September 12th, 2008, 08:18 PM
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Honestly, if Azlin wants to nurse, then nurse where you feel comfortable. I have never thought it was okay to ask someone to go into another room to nurse thier child. I feel every mother has the right to feed her child wherever, whenever and if someone is uncomfortable with it, they have 2 legs and can use them. The key is that YOU are the one that is comfortable, not anyone else.
I always left the room when Abby was younger, so I didn't make my dad or FIL, or another family member uncomfortable. My views have changed a lot over the past few years and now I will nurse wherever I feel comfortable. It's not much of an issue at her age anymore, but I look forward to having more freedom with nursing with the next one.
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  #3  
September 12th, 2008, 08:19 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't post here much anymore but I had to weigh in on your situation. If it were me I would go about my businiess like nothing was ever said. I would nurse her when she wanted, wherever you are. Honestly what does the bride think is gonna happen if you nurse your daughter where there are other people? Does she think it will take the attention away from her? Won't she be busy? She probably won't even notice you're doing it! I think it's ridiculous that its even an issue and that she won't even come and talk to you about it directly speaks volumes of her character. It may be "her day" but your daughter still needs to eat, a wedding doesn't change that. Until the bride comes and discusses it with you personally, I'd ignore the whole thing.

I actually had a somewhat similar situation when my oldest was 2 months old. Obviously he was exclusively nursing (1 bottle supplement of formula for the day--crazy ped scared me into supplementing when he was 3 days old but that's another drama) and would need to eat several times a day. It was my niece's 3rd birthday party and dh was informed that I was not to nurse our son at their house (dh's brother and sil). They expected me to formula feed him for the day because sil thought nursing to be "gross" and "disgusting" and didn't want it done in her house. Not one word was said directly to me though out of respect I went into the other room when he needed to nurse. It just so happened that people wanted to see the baby and followed me. I think it disturbed sil more that Liam and I were getting a lot of attention at her daughter's birthday party and she went off on dh and bil about how gross I was. I ended up spending the rest of the party upstairs feeding my son with the birthday girl who didn't want to leave her new cousin's side. We left early and it caused a rift in our family for quite a while.

So I guess I'm saying that unless she can put on some big girl panties and talk to you herself about it, do what you want. She sounds pretty selfish and self absorbed. I mean you are doing them a favor by taking pics for them and then they want to deny you the right to feed your own child? Ridiculous! This is an issue of respect and the bride is not showing much respect for you to talk about you behind your back like this.

I don't know, maybe try and talk to her before the ceremony and tell her where you're coming from and how much it hurts that she can't talk to you abou it but instead is talking behind your back. I don't know if she's the kind of person you can do that with. But man, some people really need to get a grip and relax!

I hope everything works out for the best for you and the day goes by smoothly!
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  #4  
September 12th, 2008, 08:21 PM
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Honestly I would probably just nurse in a different room - not because you are ashamed, not because you "have to" - but in spite of the fact that she handled this in completely the wrong way, it would be the respectful thing to do at her wedding (even if she didn't earn that respect). It sounds like you are pretty close with your cousins and what it basically is going to boil down to is that this is going to create resentment of her toward you and put your cousin in the middle for the rest of your lives. It's just not worth it. Just think of it as yet another stupid bridezilla request, like wearing an ugly dress or uncomfortable shoes or stupid jewelry. You're not taking it to another room because what you are doing is wrong or needs to be hidden, you're taking it to another room for peace in the family. Sometimes it's just worth it to go a little out of your way for peace, especially when you're not going to change anyone's mind. JMHO.
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  #5  
September 12th, 2008, 08:25 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Just curious - what if htere is no "other room"? I know in the church theres no cry room, no bridal room, nothing. I could go to my car i suppose? The bathroom? (eww).

I'm not sure about the reception yet - i havent seen it yet.

Just curious at what point woudl it be going *too* much out of my way?

Lala...
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  #6  
September 12th, 2008, 08:32 PM
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I would nurse in a different room. While I think BFing is great, I guess I'm not hard-core about it! The only people I nurse in front of is my husband, son, and my mom and sisters (they've all seen the boobs at one point or another!). But other than that, I use pumped milk in a bottle. I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable. To me, I just don't see the point of creating more drama when it can be eliminated.
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  #7  
September 12th, 2008, 08:35 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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And don't you need to be on hand to take pictures? What if you're out in your car nursing her and miss a great Kodak moment? Wouldn't it be better if you were right there the whole time to take pictures?

Most places don't have another room. My church certainly didn't. My reception site did but it was pretty out of the way. I was the bride though so I could stop everything to nurse my baby--which I did!

Would it appease her if you brought a little blanket or something to cover up a little more (not saying your indiscreet)?

I think if you have to leave the premises to nurse privately (car, another room, etc) that would be out of the question.
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  #8  
September 12th, 2008, 08:38 PM
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I'd scout it out and make a reasonable attempt to go to another room, meaning like a bridal room or something. No bathroom and not out to the car. The bathroom is just downright disgusting. I was envisioning a bridal suite as a possibility. If there is nowhere else to go in the church I'd sit sort of toward the outside of an aisle away from the center of action and if she happens to see you and b*tch about it, your cousin can say you were as discreet as possible. At the reception - the same. If there is a bridal suite I'd use it, if not just be as discreet as you can and make sure your cousin knows that you are doing that for him.

If it was a birthday party or holiday or something I'd feel differently bu a wedding is a once in a lifetime thing and I just would not want to start (or finish) crap over it. There's a lot more I'd let go in that situation.
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  #9  
September 12th, 2008, 08:53 PM
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I usually try to be discreet anyway, which most of us do anyway right? You can probably easily sit in the back and no one will even notice what you are doing. You don't want to remove yourself too much, though, because you want to be around to snap pictures when the moment comes up. Chances are, you will be too busy and so will she, to ask to nurse when you are even at the church. If she does, I'm sure there is an out of the way place, still in the main part of the church, that works. I definitely wouldn't go into the bathroom, and it's unnecessary to go into your car. I really don't see you as being the type to be overly bold about it anyway. I could see there being a problem if you stood in the middle of the aisle and nursed her during the ceremony, lol But most of us don't NIP to make a scene, we just want to nurse our children where it's convienent and comfortable for both of us.
I agree that a wedding is once in a lifetime, but it's really up to her what she lets get to her. If something that small is going to "ruin" her whole wedding, then she needs a severe reality check. There are people going through far worse things in this world or dealing with far worse problems on thier wedding day, than thier cousin nursing in public.
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  #10  
September 12th, 2008, 09:02 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Exactly. Weve never used a blanket to NIP, but thats as much b/c my daughter refuses to & wont, and i inherently disagree with a blanket to cover her head.

But - we are always discreet.

I think most of this comes from the fact that shes only ever seen me nurse in restaraunts. lol. EVERy time we go eat - naturally my daughter wants milk. I nurse her - she rarely nurses more than a minute or two, and then she eats her food.

So - who knows. Shes seen me nurse discreetly, still has a problem with it - I guess if shed rather i leave the room & miss a picture moment, fine lol.

Honestly, I doubt it will really arise as an issue. My daughter will likely be busy, I'll be busy, she'll be busy. but i know as soon as i dont have a "plan" - itll come up lol.

I like what someone said - she needs to put on her big girl panties & say something herself. Honestly, if she asked nicely - ASKED being the key word - I'd likely agree & work out with her what would be acceptabel to make her comfortable, etc. Id probably also ask her what about it made her uncomfortable & share my thoughts. I doubt that will happen though lol. It was the dictating it through a 3rd person that really twists the knife.


Lala...
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  #11  
September 12th, 2008, 09:29 PM
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I agree that shes completely selfish. I agree that those of us that NIP try to be discreet. My baby also doesnt like a blanket on her head. Besides, a blanket over the shoulder makes things more obvious as to what you are doing imo. If shes only nursing for a min or two, not like its going to be noticed by the bride, and if it is, tough!! Thats my attitude anyways. She didnt have the guts to say something herself, well, thats tough. If it were me, I would pretend I never heard it. If she wants to be childish, and think that its going to take attention away from HER well, yeah you get the point. I dont know about you, but everytime I have NIP I never had an audience, and when someone does notice, they usually go away, leave me alone, or dont care, ie, dont make a scene out of it. Its not like everyone is going to take their attention off of her to stare at you feeding your baby anyways Besides, if the family already knows you do it, knows how strongly you feel about it, no ones going to have an issue with it but HER. Hand her some tissues.

Im just amazed at some people. I know I am a bit harsh, but personally Im very passionate about bfing my daughter and I wouldnt take it lightly if someone were to ask me not to nurse my baby. And my baby doesnt take a bottle, she only wants the boob. Thats just plain rude.

Let us know how it goes.
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  #12  
September 12th, 2008, 09:30 PM
**Jenn**'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Exactly. Weve never used a blanket to NIP, but thats as much b/c my daughter refuses to & wont, and i inherently disagree with a blanket to cover her head.[/b]
I just threw the blanket suggestion out there. I never used one myself and don't really believe in them either but didn't know where you might stand on it or if you used it before.

She knows you're discreet and still has a problem. That's her hang up and no one elses.
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  #13  
September 12th, 2008, 09:39 PM
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Honestly I would probably just nurse in a different room - not because you are ashamed, not because you "have to" - but in spite of the fact that she handled this in completely the wrong way, it would be the respectful thing to do at her wedding (even if she didn't earn that respect). It sounds like you are pretty close with your cousins and what it basically is going to boil down to is that this is going to create resentment of her toward you and put your cousin in the middle for the rest of your lives. It's just not worth it. Just think of it as yet another stupid bridezilla request, like wearing an ugly dress or uncomfortable shoes or stupid jewelry. You're not taking it to another room because what you are doing is wrong or needs to be hidden, you're taking it to another room for peace in the family. Sometimes it's just worth it to go a little out of your way for peace, especially when you're not going to change anyone's mind. JMHO.[/b]
ditto. I'd nurse in another room if possible. FYI, I think bridezilla is totally in the wrong, being selfish and immature and ridiculous and I'd be so pissed at the situation, but I'd probably just abide by her wishes and know that I'm the better person for it. YOU know you are in the right, WE know you are in the right. It sounds like this woman will very likely never see it your way - at least until she has kids (I'm assuming she doesn't) and then gets very indignant when she goes to a wedding where children aren't invited or something like that.

Good luck tomorrow - try to be a duck as my husband says, 'quack quack' and let it roll off of your back.
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  #14  
September 13th, 2008, 06:46 AM
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I don't think this is what you should do, but I personally would probably nurse right in front of the bride just to spite her. I'm kind of evil though. I would have a very hard time obliging by her wishes, especially since she never even confronted you, and you are doing her an amazingly huge favor.

But I agree that the right thing to do is be respectful.
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  #15  
September 13th, 2008, 10:47 AM
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I think you are right that it probably would not even be an issue because everyone will be so busy. But if it does i would just take a minute go somewhere where it is the least busy, since another room is not always an option, and nurse there. There will be so much going on that she will probably not even notice if you do nurse and if she does notice at least you were going the extra mile and trying to avoid drawing an attention. Which is really more than she deserve because she is being a totally selfish, childish wench. Sorry bout it but its true and after her special day i would go right ahead and tell her that.
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  #16  
September 15th, 2008, 08:13 PM
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I am probably way too late - but I would just do what I do. There are reasonable things a bride can ask for (like the dresses the bridesmaids wear) and things that just go beyond what is reasonable. I have nursed at a number of weddings & other family events & it would have never occurred to me not to. I am not indiscreet by any measure - heck it is hard to get me in a swimsuit, much less expose a breast.....so I never worry if I am discreet enough - because I KNOW I am more discreet with my nursing than many women are in the way they dress. A wedding may be "your" day - but that doesn't mean you get to be dictator - that simply means you pick the food, the bridal party clothing, the entertainment, the guest list, etc - you don't get to dictate behavior. That is just ridiculous. It IS true that this could effect your relationship with them - but I say "so be it" - if something like this is going to cause a rift because you won't bow to her every whim - then something else will cause it later & you will kick yourself for going against what you believe to be right just because she can't cope. I KNOW there are people out there that are uncomfortable with BF - I was uncomfortable at one point in time to some extent - I didn't expect people to change their lives around to accommodate my hang ups & I don't think anyone should. BF is normal & healthy & appropriate - despite how many people think of it.
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  #17  
September 16th, 2008, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
It IS true that this could effect your relationship with them - but I say "so be it" - if something like this is going to cause a rift because you won't bow to her every whim - then something else will cause it later & you will kick yourself for going against what you believe to be right just because she can't cope.[/b]
So true!

So how did things go?
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  #18  
September 17th, 2008, 05:16 AM
moon~maiden's Avatar Cheryl~ birth truster
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haha, I'm sorry, but Bridezilla is really playing her card, isn't she?

You have a pretty powerful card in your hand too though, being the photographer. What if you have to go elsewhere to nurse while they are cutting the cake? Or something important like that? If you were really evil, you could really mess with the memories of their wedding. I know personally, one of my favorite things about my wedding is the beautiful pictures we have. Ya know?

They can't have it both ways.
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  #19  
September 17th, 2008, 04:03 PM
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Well now I need to know how it all went down!!!

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  #20  
September 17th, 2008, 08:57 PM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Update!

So - it ended up being mostly a non issue. Her boobs on the other hand, did become an issue. Bwahahaha.

Turns out - as shes walking down the aisle (shes no small chested gal), my senile & Hard of hearing grandmother spouts off "WOW! Look at how BIG her boobs are!" for everyone to hear. Oh it gets better. My also hard of hearing, but totally present minded grandfather pipes back "Yeah I know, I cant keep from looking at them!".

It was hysterical. The whole church heard I'm sure, except maybe a few who were far away & just couldn't make out what they said.

Anyways, Az ended up dancing the night away & having the time of her life so it was a total non issue. She did make several comments though - usually looking directly at me, like when she was getting dressed, about how modest SHE was, and how she didnt like showing off her boobs, and how she didnt like people to see her without much clothes on, etc. her mom said something like 'honey we all have boobs, its nothing special', and she just looked directly at me (the bride did) lol.

Oh my, oh my though - what a drama filled day it was - just luckily none of it ended up being about me. i was ready for fighting words! lol.

Lala...
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