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Forum: Grief and Loss

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  #1  
April 16th, 2009, 02:11 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Wellington, New Zealand
Posts: 6
So on Tuesday afternoon I got a call from my best friend and she told me that she had miscarried We are all so devastated for their loss... I sent her a brunch of flowers the next day and it brightened her day, I have been there for her everyday showing her my support and talking her thru it but now she has completely shut down. She has taken this on really bad and I have no idea what to do I'm really worried about her too as she works at a daycare centre and looks after babies under the age of 2, she went back to work yesterday and after an hour of being there I received a text saying she couldn't handle it anymore and that she just wanted to go home, I told her to take as much time off work until she was ready but she just says they're busy at work and they need her I told her work can wait and she just needs to take time out and look after herself. I talked to her last night and she was very distant and I said that if there was anything she wanted day or night I was here no matter what.
Her partner is also worried about her too, he rushed home yesterday lunchtime to find her in tears. Her Bestest friend is living in the UK at the moment and she's also pregnant (3 weeks ahead of her), she's coming home soon but she has no idea what to do now as they've always wanted to be pregnant together and they were sharing every single milestone etc and now she doesn't want to talk about her pregnancy with her as it may upset her even more...
I just don't know what to do and feel so useless, this would've been her 2nd child too as she has an 8 year old daughter.... any more advice other than to just be there for her?
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  #2  
April 16th, 2009, 03:14 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 60
just tell her that you love her and accept her now matter how she is feeling. let her talk when she wants to talk and talk about something else when she doesn't. just knowing she has you will be helpful. and make sure she gets professional help if things get too severe for her to handle on her own.
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BFP 9/4/09 - Michael John born 5/5/10
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1st m/c 10/12/08, 4w6d
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  #3  
April 18th, 2009, 02:24 AM
Misty_X's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 25,063
I am so sorry, honey. That's a really difficult position for you to be in, but it sounds to me as though you are being a great friend. You've let her know you are thinking of her and made her feel loved and thought of. That's the best thing that you can do.

Speaking from experience, a miscarriage can affect you for a very long time. There's no cap on gthe grief or loss, but many people expect you to be over it within a few weeks. Your friend may be spiralling into a depression partly because she feels she is unable to still be voicing her emotions so she's keeping them inside. But everyone is different and loss will affect everyone differently. After a while, it can feel as though you've said everything there is to say and yet you're still not feeling any better, so you stop saying anything at all.

Carry on doing what you have been doing, hun. Be there for her, show her you are always there when she wants to talk. Don't be afraid to bring the subject up - she may be grateful to know you haven't forgotten her loss and that you are genuinely interested in her welfare. I'm sure you'll be able to tell when she does and doesn't want to talk about it x x

I agree with the lady above who said she may need some professional help if things get too difficult for her. Sometimes you need a little extra help and there's only so much her friends can do.

You're doing great, hun - hang in there x x
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  #4  
May 1st, 2009, 07:33 AM
Misty_X's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was just wondering how things were going, honey? Please do check in if you are around x
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  #5  
May 3rd, 2009, 04:56 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Wellington, New Zealand
Posts: 6
Heya
Over the weekend I had a girls catchup, was really good to just chill out and talk etc, my friend Nikki (the one that had the m/c) broke down in tears and opened up to me and my other friend. It was soooo heartbreaking that we all cried! She's soooo amazingly strong, I just don't know how she does it. She's going for a d&c this week as she can't be bothered with the whole natural thing and she wants it over and done with so she can move on with life. They're planning on trying again asap but I told she had to be really ready both physically and emotionally. Her BF is pregnant and she's finding it hard to be happy for her, which is totally understandable... time will heal it's pain..... but thank you so much for all your advice, it really helped and I'm glad that there are people out there I can talk to about this. xx
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  #6  
May 5th, 2009, 10:08 AM
Misty_X's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: UK
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I'm so glad that she was able to open up to you! That's a big part of the battle in coping with grief. You are doing everything you can to support her - you are there for her to talk to when she needs to, giving her a friendly ear and support. And any time you need to talk yourself you can always come here to vent or cry to us

Please do come back and let us know how she is getting on after her D&C honey x
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  #7  
May 29th, 2009, 01:57 AM
Misty_X's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hey there I was wondering how your friend is doing?

Let us know if you are around x
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