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i had my 2nd post-op appointment with the ob this afternoon, nervous and scared as usual. doc put me on xanax for the anxiety attacks, flashbacks, sleeplessness. seems to help, but now she wants to switch me to zoloft which is an everyday thing, instead of an as needed thing. not sure i want to take that step, especially since we want to try again, that is if i ever see AF again after this whole ordeal. still wish DH was more understanding, but he has been more supportive (whether he understands or not, which is OK too).
i just wish i could get through a day without the constant reminders of all that's gone wrong us. i now know 4 people that are all due in each of the 3 months that i was supposed to be due-3 at work and 1 in the neighborhood. i read medical reports all day and wonder what happened to me while i was in surgery? how does XYZ compare with what i went through? and i'm still reliving the days surrounding the surgery/recovery/hospital stays. all the thoughts and feelings all over again, just like it's happening again. i feel like i'm going to be terrified of doctors, hospitals, procedures, etc. forever. and i really wish people understood why it was so traumatic for me. sometimes it doesn't even set in that i just lost a 3rd baby; it's mostly just the anxiety attacks from remembering those days' events. i get depressed, unmotivated, and antisocial so often.
i almost wish we had never started trying and could just erase the last year of my life, like maybe all of this was just a bad dream and i'm going to eventually wake up, but i never do. sorry for the long post, i'm babbling; but don't have too much other outlet for my pent up emotions.
BFP 9/4/09 - Michael John born 5/5/10
ectopic w/tube closure 3/24/09, 8w0d
2nd m/c 12/27/08, 5w2d
1st m/c 10/12/08, 4w6d
I'm really sorry, honey. You are going through so much right now. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers x x
It's only natural to think about the what-ifs and to compare what you've gone through with other people's situations. I totally identify with the hospital side of things, too. I have flashbacks to terrible hospital treatment and operations I've had. You're already trying to deal with the loss of a baby and on top of that dealing with trying to come to terms with everything else that happened is bound to feel overwhelming sometimes. x x
I am so sorry that your experiences have left you with anxiety attacks Have you found any ways of coping with your anxiety or spoken to someone about what you can do to help?
You can always talk here, sweetheart. Please don't worry about rambling - that's what we're here for x x