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Do you ever find that you grieve almost as much for the person you used to be as for the person you have lost?
I was thinking earlier how I can never be the same person again that I was before my losses. I'll never experience the innocent joy of pregnancy without the fear of losing another baby. Even with my two girls, I don't feel like I really got to enjoy their pregnancies because I was constantly worrying about what had happened before.
Yes! I definitely wish I could go back to being care-free-nothing-can-go-wrong-Augie. Like you said, I will always have the fear of losing another baby. I will never not worry during a pregnancy. I will not get to experience that blissful happiness. For me, that BFP brings immense fear. Will it happen again? Will this be my breaking point?
Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
I understand that fear totally. I never, ever stop feeling blessed to have my girls here safely but I wish I could have enjoyed my pregnancies without being terrified the whole way through. I thing loss causes lost innocence too.
Yes, yes, yes! I am always wondering if I will know a moment of pure happiness again. It's like my entire life has gone from Technicolor to monochrome. I remember feeling joy, but I also remember feeling simple contentment. I never feel that anymore.
Laurie, yes - I know what you mean about feeling just contentment. It's that feeling of NOT having something weighing you down with every breath, that feeling of things just being OK. ((((((hugs))))))
Rebecca, I am so sorry for what you have been through and the way it will always affect you while you are TTC and when you are pregnant. I wish that you could feel that innocent joy and carefree excitement again without the fears x x