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Forum: Grief and Loss

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  #1  
April 25th, 2011, 02:24 PM
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I have a friend who lost twin girls a little over 6 months ago. We were pregnant at the same time with twins only she was 18 weeks when I was 37 weeks. Her girls had something that caused them to share blood vessels from what i understood but i am not 100% sure. She went to have a surgery to separate them when she went into labor early had the girls October 20th she was 20 weeks. They lived for one hour and she held them. They died while she and her husband were holding them. I have never lost a child but I have lost a mother and 2 nephews. one was a stillbirth and one was a miscarriage. I know it is not the same and I am not saying it is. My question is what can I do to help her. I understand this is something you never get over but I know you must learn to move on. My sister lost her son due to still birth at 39 weeks. She grieved and cried and we spoke of him but 6 months later she had learned how to go on with her life. My friend I feel has not. She can talk about it fine but that's all she seems to talk about. She and her husband even made them both Easter baskets and had them out Saturday night to wake up to. I understand doing little things in memory of someone you lost I used to do little things for my mom but I did not buy her presents she could never have. They want to have another baby and are not doing anything to prevent it but are not trying at the same time. And while I believe she will be a wonderful mom I believe she needs more time before she gets pregnant again. I just feel like she is stuck in grieving and I am worried it will in the long run hurt her, her relationships with friends, and with her husband. I am just not sure what to do if anything or what to say. I feel like I really have no right to say anything since my twins are here and healthy... I just worry about her and do not know what to do.....
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  #2  
April 26th, 2011, 05:02 AM
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Welcome. You are a great friend for reaching out. I have lost four (all miscarriage). Like you said, it's not the same, but I can relate to your friend.

First, give her time. Losing a child is not something she'll ever get over.

Also, please realize and be understanding that it's probably very painful for her to be around your twins. Not that she doesn't love them, but they remind her of what she lost. They always will. With time and exposure it should get at least a little easier for her.

Don't step back to give her space. It may seem like what she needs but she needs support now more than ever.

Don't forget the twins birthday or their EDD. It will mean the world to her that someone loved them enough to remember.

Expect her to do things for them and celebrate their life. I do something for Mother's Day every year. I am a mother and so is she. We're just not mothers to living babies.

Buy her a trinket it or something in their honor on their birthday. Let her have a cake if she wants. (We do a cake every EDD.) Honor her on Mother's Day. Get her a card, call her, get a memory necklace, something.

Let her cry; cry with her. I'm sure you miss the babies too. Not on the same level of course, but I'm sure you had dreams of your kids growing up together that are now gone.

As for her talking about them, it may be how she feels she can relate. You have twins too. I find I'll bring up my pregnancies if I'm in a group that are talking about theirs. If I don't, I sit ignored and in pain.

Share this link with her: The Compassionate Friends - Supporting Family After a Child Dies Encourage her to go to a meeting or to the nightly online chats. They are a wonderful bunch.
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  #3  
April 26th, 2011, 07:40 AM
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Thanks for the advice.. I will share the link with her...
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  #4  
April 27th, 2011, 05:33 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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You're welcome!
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Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
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