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Forum: Grief and Loss

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  #1  
April 28th, 2011, 10:25 AM
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Hey ladies...I'm new to this whole losing somebody thing. I've been very lucky to never have to deal with that before...but yet here I am.

My father in law was diagnosed last November with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It was said to be very treatable and we went on to treat it. They did a pet scan a few weeks ago and it was almost gone. We were so excited. 3 weeks ago he went into the hospital feeling weak and slightly confused. They gave him a blood transfusion and lots of rest and he was doing amazing. We were so curious why they weren't discharging him...3 days later he started sleeping a lot and wasn't really talking to us as much. He was acting really drugged up like. Once the nurses informed us he wasn't on strong pain medicine the doctor ordered an MRI and even he thought it was silly but that he'd do it anyways. Turns out it wasn't silly. He had "lesions" on his brain. We had to wait 10 days for his blood thinners to get out of his system before they could biopsy it. This past tuesday they did the biopsy. Immediate results showed it was cancer and that it is lymphoma. The lymphoma in the brain doesn't respond the same way to chemo and where most patients start out with 1 mass he started out with multiple. The oncologist said to treat it was only to extend his life up to 1-2 years and that he probably would not come out of the state that he is in now. Essentially we'd be making him miserable with extremely high doses of chemotherapy only for him to still not get better. The cancer itself is not curable. My FIL is a very religious man and he is fine with the idea of going home and has been for years. He never wanted to be stuck to a bed with a poor quality of life. This morning we officially talked to the doctors and will not be pursuing any treatments. The main goal now is to make him comfortable.

I am struggling. We weren't extremely close but our bond was growing and he is such an amazing man. I knew he would make a wonderful grandfather to my future children but because of my PCOS after 1.5 years of trying we are still babyless and not pregnant. I wanted to make him a grandpa SO badly. He wanted to be a grandpa just as bad. I regret not putting forth more effort in our 3 short years together to be closer to him and I wish I could just go back and get 1 more day to really talk to him.

Needless to say, I'm a complete mess...
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  #2  
April 28th, 2011, 10:33 AM
angelsailor288's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 5,046
I'm so sorry for your loss
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  #3  
April 28th, 2011, 09:10 PM
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He isn't dead...
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  #4  
April 29th, 2011, 04:55 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,171
I'm sorry for the sorrow that you're already experiencing. My father had NHL for about 10 years before he passed. His was in his lymph nodes and we had a lot of time with him. But we were all still young and weren't married/never had living children. I understand the sadness that he will not meet this grandchildren.

He was in hospice at the end and it was a heart-wrenching time but, like your FIL, he was at peace and had faith. I hope your FIL is comfortable and that you all find peace.
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  #5  
May 3rd, 2011, 07:26 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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I'm sorry for what you're going through. If you haven't already, please consider finding a support group for families affected by cancer near you. It helps to have someone that truly understands what it's like to watch someone go through that.
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  #6  
May 3rd, 2011, 09:40 AM
NewportMamaBear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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*hugs* I'm sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I'm praying for peace and comfort for all of you.
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  #7  
May 4th, 2011, 02:22 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,306
It is so hard. My mother just lost a 12 year battle to ovarian cancer. The last 8 months were extremely difficult. To watch her slowly regress, to see her so drugged up and often times hallucinating was sad! I missed her well before she was gone.
Just remember they hear you even when you think they can't. Whisper in his ear, sing to him. I sang a song to my mom the night before she passed away! I knew she heard. She calmed right down, and I held her hand. A few months before, we nearly lost her and I cried by her side for 2 days. To our surprise she woke up and her first words to me me were, "why were you crying".

It's hard to remain strong, this is a very difficult time for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you. {HUGS} ♥
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  #8  
May 17th, 2011, 09:02 PM
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Thank you ladies! It's so nice to have a place to turn.
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  #9  
March 9th, 2012, 05:37 PM
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Posts: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Manda* View Post
Hey ladies...I'm new to this whole losing somebody thing. I've been very lucky to never have to deal with that before...but yet here I am.

My father in law was diagnosed last November with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It was said to be very treatable and we went on to treat it. They did a pet scan a few weeks ago and it was almost gone. We were so excited. 3 weeks ago he went into the hospital feeling weak and slightly confused. They gave him a blood transfusion and lots of rest and he was doing amazing. We were so curious why they weren't discharging him...3 days later he started sleeping a lot and wasn't really talking to us as much. He was acting really drugged up like. Once the nurses informed us he wasn't on strong pain medicine the doctor ordered an MRI and even he thought it was silly but that he'd do it anyways. Turns out it wasn't silly. He had "lesions" on his brain. We had to wait 10 days for his blood thinners to get out of his system before they could biopsy it. This past tuesday they did the biopsy. Immediate results showed it was cancer and that it is lymphoma. The lymphoma in the brain doesn't respond the same way to chemo and where most patients start out with 1 mass he started out with multiple. The oncologist said to treat it was only to extend his life up to 1-2 years and that he probably would not come out of the state that he is in now. Essentially we'd be making him miserable with extremely high doses of chemotherapy only for him to still not get better. The cancer itself is not curable. My FIL is a very religious man and he is fine with the idea of going home and has been for years. He never wanted to be stuck to a bed with a poor quality of life. This morning we officially talked to the doctors and will not be pursuing any treatments. The main goal now is to make him comfortable.

I am struggling. We weren't extremely close but our bond was growing and he is such an amazing man. I knew he would make a wonderful grandfather to my future children but because of my PCOS after 1.5 years of trying we are still babyless and not pregnant. I wanted to make him a grandpa SO badly. He wanted to be a grandpa just as bad. I regret not putting forth more effort in our 3 short years together to be closer to him and I wish I could just go back and get 1 more day to really talk to him.

Needless to say, I'm a complete mess...

Sweetie, to live with regrets is a horrible feeling. I am sorry for ur FIL illness, however, u cannot blame urself for not being cloe enough to him, This is life, and we cannot predict what will happen in the future. I am sure u have been a great daughter in law. And u u could not give him grandbabies, then that was also not ur fault. Your FIL must be so happy knowing that his son is well taken care of by u, and he will rest in peace knowing that his son won't be alone, he has an amazing and loving wife like u. Please stop thiknking that u shoulda or coulda........we are all human. What u can do, and I gurantee that ur FIL will still hear u, is go and see him, ask for alone time with him, weather he is on life support or not, he will hear u. Tell him how much u love him, and tell him everything that u just told us. Believe me, he will hear u and he already hears what is in ur beautiful heart.
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