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On October 28, 2012 our little girl was delivered emergency c/s and lived for 22 days.
The NICU doctors had given us hope after so many days of her survival and almost 0 problems that she had turned a corner and it was almost safe to say she would survive and go home eventually. On Nov 18 we left the NICU to go home at around 10 pm with beaming smiles after the amazing progress she had made. I kissed her on the forehead and told her, "mommy will be back tomorrow". We would have stayed all night if we knew that would be the last time we would see her alive.
On Nov 19th we were preparing to leave to go back. I was pumping to bring milk to the NICU and recieved a phone call urging us to get there ASAP.
We didnt make it in time. She was gone before we returned.
I wanted more then anything to at least hold her as she passed and let her know to not be scared. Mommy and Daddy love you more then anything.
Even in death, she is our baby girl. I know its to soon to be healed completely but I cant seem to find any peace. I miss her so much. I want her back more then anything.
Her birthcertificate arrived AFTER her death certificate. They told us after her death that she had developed an infection from the NICU equipment and her organs all just simultaneously shut down. I am so torn about how to react to that since the people and equipment made to help her in fact did the opposite (I know not deliberately).
Our hearts are breaking. This is just like adding salt to the wound.
I know I need to reach out to someone besides my husband. Hes going through this too and I cant keep bringing it up to him. He is acting as if it was an "unfortunate experience" and lets leave it in the past. Its only been 2 months...how can he be that over it already? My family has all gone back to their regular routines now and seem to act as though its over and done with. I dont want her to be forgotten and I feel like she is going to be now.
Now we are trying to concieve again in hopes that we can heal by bringing a healthy baby home. I hope it happens soon.
Thank you for listening/reading.
I am so sorry to hear that...I really do feel for you. It must have been so painful not to be there with her when she passed :-( Even though everyone's loss is different, the are all so very tragic. Some lose their children before they even have the chance to be born, and some lose them after, but a mother's bond with her special child is no less significant. Much love to you, your family, and your beautiful daughter. I can imagine your feelings about the hospital experiences must be conflicting. I hope this can be a good place of support for you, as I too am in a similar boat. I see that your post is from October of last year. Where are you at currently with regards to adjusting to the grieving process and trying to conceive?...
(We lost our daughter, Briella at 2 days old in the NICU on February 26th of this year), and I also don't want to burden my husband with all of my daily grief, because we just seem to do it differently. I know that he isn't, and won't ever be "over it", as I never will, but men tend to compartmentalize it all and tuck it away. I think as moms, we have the added challenges from the hormones and carrying our child, so we process it differently. I need to talk about her and share her, and miss her, and be sad a lot of the time, but my husband prefers to be distracted.
Was she your firstborn, because I also struggle with being terrified now of conceiving and all of the possible tragic outcomes that could happen with trying to have more children...? :/
There are a lot of supportive and loving people that I have been connected to or put in touch with, but it is true that it's just not the same, and hard to have some people understand some things if they haven't lost a child. I am hoping for your peace and comfort to have more beautiful things to come.
Thank you so much.
We have begun ttc again but still struggle with wanting her back. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss as well. Its so hard wanting to protect them and not being able to. We have begun to heal a little better but I still have my random moments of breaking down. I can have good days for sometimes a week straight and then something will trigger it and I just lose it all over again.
Bristol was my third child, but my husband's first. He has adopted my children but their dad (my ex husband) is still very involved and poor DH wants a baby so badly.
I'm scared that we will conceive again but have a boy, which of course would still be very very loved but cause a gap and longing for our little girl.
Anyways, thank you for reaching out to me. I hope you and your family find peace and get to have a healthy baby again.