Seriously ladies, this gonna be long! Get a snack and drink, get comfy kind of long. Maybe plan some breaks in reading. Cause I haven't been on in forever and a day and I've got a lot to yammer on about.
First I've gotta update that ticker down there because I am not a terrifying 44 weeks pregnant (
) and we didn't name the baby Duckie (cause we're
nice parents) either. Baby was born on May 5th, our Cinco De Mayo baby. A little girl (we didn't know before hand), poor Gee, this place is filled with chicks! We named her Daria Fay, Daria we'd picked from the beginning for a girl (means upholder of the good), and Fay because the first time Robyn saw her said she "looked like a little elf" and it means elf like, so it fit!
She was delivered via c-section, which I pretty much knew going in was going to happen. We'd actually set the c-section date as 5/15, but someone couldn't wait. I went into the hospitial April 19th to be monitored, my blood pressure was dropping, my blood sugar was going crazy, so they decided they needed to watch me and baby closer. On 5/5 my OB came in and said "We've got to get the baby out, now. We've gotten this close to full term (a few days shy), this is very important for health and baby's health", and we got me prepped and wheeled into the OR. I don't remember much of what went on. I was in and out of it, I remember hearing her cry, and they wheeled her over (in that little plastic thingie) for me to see, then she was off to be poked and prodded and tested. I didn't actually hold her until the next day, my sugar levels dropped way low and they had to rush me off. She was born at 5:03pm (happy hour on cinco de mayo...intreasting), I actually held her on the sixth at 11am-ish. That was when I was fully consious and ready to hold her.
So once we all got home I started dealing with PPD. BFing hasn't been working out very well at all, I didn't feel connected to her either, I'd always felt connected to my other three, the girls the first time I met them I knew they were met for me. And this is my biological child. I'd feared my entire pregnancy I'd actually feel a stronger connection to Daria then my other kids. And here I was feel almost zero connection. I felt like a terrible mom who couldn't do anything right. I have a flair for the dramatic. I kept comparing everything to DW. After she had Gee she'd felt fine, he'd latched right away, she was up bopping around the house days after giving birth, heck she was out jogging when he was 2 weeks old! Jogging! Two weeks after giving birth! I could barely walk up and down the stairs. Sure, she had a vaginal birth (at home in the tub) and I'd had major surgery. Plus, I've never been a jogger. In less I'm running away from something (like a scary dog) or to something (like cake, or new shoes), I'm not really a runner. But still, I compared myself. Which we all know is the wrong thing to do. Don't compare yourself to other mothers. But, it's much harder when that other mom lives in your house and is your wife.
Then DW's paternity (and we've had several laughs at this, there needs to be a lesbian word for it) was up and she went back to work and oh yeah, I'm home alone. With four kids. All. Day. Long. See, when Gee was born DW took her maternity leave (longer then paternity), and I'd been able to adjust my scheduel to almost stay home almost the whole time. DW couldn't do that. I'd never felt so panicked.
After coming home to chaos and me locked in the bathroom sobbing, she decided thearpy for me and for both us together was gonna happen. I've been in thearpy before, I dealt with seirous depression as a teenager, so I was easy to convice. It's been helpful. First me did get me on some meds, that's helped beyond beliefe. And we're able to disscuss me needing to ask when I need help, and that needing help is ok. We've talked about how much I struggle with physical limitations and why (when I was gay bashed I couldn't do a lot, now I always call back to that time). I'm not saying we're a Disney movie or anything, but it's a huge improvement. Fynn (our donor) takes the kids a few times a week, just so I can have time to myself. I'm still upset over the BFing thing. DW points out our two daughters both were FF'd, and DS was FF'd half the time and hey, they're totally fine and healthy, but still, it sucks. Daria and I also spend time together bonding. According to thearpist, it's normal for moms with adopted kids to feel distant to their bio kid. Huh, who knew? I'm normal. First time anyone's called me that.
Aside from all that, the other kids are doing pretty great. Robyn is starting first grade in the fall, Gee will be in pre-school, Regan has had the most excitment. She has a friend! A friend who is not her sister, not her brother, not one of their friends! A friend she made all by herself! We've had a few specialist say that they feel she's "on the spectrum" is regards to being possilby austistic but aren't comfortable giving her an official label yet. We've been doing music and speech thearpy, and encouraging her to interact with other children. She's ok when she's with Robyn, but nervous around others. It could also be because her life before she came to us. It's all very gray right now. But the fact that she has a friend is huge! He's a month older then her and they get along great, he's not used to the chaos of our house yet though. He's an only child, and very neat and tidy. We've got four kids. Like he was scared to finger paint because you have get messy and he didn't want to get in trouble. His parents are super strict or anything, they say he's always been that way. Its cute to see them together though.
Alright, either thats everything I'm too tired to type more...maybe a little of both. Hope everyone had some nice snacks while reading
.
