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I am 34 years old and live in Australia. I have had my second ectopic pregnancy in the past 10 months and I am so lost at the moment.The first ectopic resulted in the loss of my left tube. Knowing the risks of it happening again, but trying to remain positive, we started trying again a few months later. I went to the doctor as soon as I suspected I was pregnant, but the urine test she took said I was not and she said that my cycle was probably not back to normal. I felt unwell three weeks later and insisted on a blood test, which confirmed a pregnancy. I then insisted on getting a scan done the same day and I proceeded to collapse in the centre whilst waiting for the results. This second ectopic two months ago nearly took my life as the embryo had actually implanted in the stump of the removed tube and then proceeded to rupture. It's been quite a heartbreaking time and I feel really alone. My partner deals with his grief silently and does not want to discuss this. Friends with babies just tell me to "have another go, it'll happen". I am not close to my mother who told me it was probably because I work too hard that caused this to happen. I get so sad when I see others with babies and particularly other women with lots of children who they complain about. Our 16 year old niece had an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy at the same time as our first loss and her baby is a constant reminder to me about what should have been for us. I avoid family functions and friends with new babies as I still don't feel ready to make chit chat and coo over other's children. This makes me feel worse for having these thoughts, but I can;t help it. My partner no longer desires to have sex as he doesn't know if he wants to go through "all this" again. I've read through the forum posts and it has helped me somewhat. How long is it normal to grieve? Am I normal to not want to be around other people's babies? I am worried about the relationship with my partner as well. He is scared, I know, but how have others moved on (as a couple) after this?
I'm sorry you've had to join us here, I've tried to answer a few questions for you. I didn't have an ectopic but I hope the answers help.
How long is it normal to grieve? Every person is different. Some seem ok in months, others it lasts for years. It's been a little over 2 months for me...I still have my good days and my bad days.
Am I normal to not want to be around other people's babies? Yes that is perfectly understandable. They are a constant reminder of what we lost.
I am worried about the relationship with my partner as well. He is scared, I know, but how have others moved on (as a couple) after this? Most men don't show their grief as we do. I'm lucky in that my DH is very open with me and has been a rock when I needed him. This isn't a common occurence from my understanding. Maybe some of the other ladies can shed some light on this.
I am so sorry for your losses. I know how hard it is. Grief time varies for each person. There are still days that I grieve over my lost one. I know in the beginning it hurt so bad to see other babies, pregnant women, anything that reminded me of what I had lost. That is also very normal. Even when I was pregnant with my second dd I had a hard time dealing with it. As for your dh's grief men do not usually know how to deal with it. I know my dh had a very hard time accepting that we had lost a baby, and he didn't know how to make me feel better. It took him a long time to even start the process of grieving. Over time though we were able to sit down and talk about our baby together. Still it's hard on both of us to get pregnant again, and to have all the fears. I wish I could tell you it will get better soon, but I don't know how long it will take for you and your dh to start healing. Big hugs!
Ectopic Pregnancy 01/30/06. One tube wonder!
I can totally sympathize with you, having just gone through an ectopic myself. It came as a total shock, and I was completely shocked because my numbers were abnormally HIGH when my bloodwork done. It was almost an accident that I made myself think it might be ectopic only from gas pain. But that's what it ended up being. And I was so SO angry. I had just gone through a miscarriage in Jan. In total I have been pregnant four times, and only one went to term. I do have a beautiful son. Which I know makes it a lot easier for me to go through this, but I do know how you are feeling from before I was pregnant sucessfully. I think you feel lost because you just want it so badly and it seems like everything is against you. I know that's how I felt. Angry and frustrated and sad "WHY ME?!?!" type of thing. But I think when you try to just imagine that everything does happen for a reason, even if it is nearly impossible to see at the time... it gets a little easier. There are so many options out there if you decide that you need them, or are just sick of trying on your own. As long as you have a uterus you CAN have your own baby. And all it takes is part of one tube and part of one ovary for you to get pregnant naturally. It must be so hard to go through it twice. I do know a bit about multiple losses. And I got SO angry even at my best friend who got pregnant, and has carried to term. I felt like the worst person in the world for feeling like everyone should experience at least a little bit of loss that I have. You should talk to your husband... have him come on here too even. Sometimes it's easier for the men to disconnect. Mine happens to be the opposite and always remains positive (annoying at times when I just REALLY want to be angry about something...) but you guys WILL get through it, and when it's meant to happen, and however it is meant to happen... it will happen for you. But you need to get yourself well again too. It's hard to see the beauty in life when you experience tragedy, but when you think about how short our time is here... you realize that you have to focus on what's good in your life, rather than things you could not have possibly prevented. You are not defective... you just have had a string of bad luck. You have a friend in that
It's only been a few days since my husband and I found out that we have an ectopic pregnancy. I completely understand your desire to not attend family functions and the sheer rage you feel when mothers of many children do nothing but complain about them. It's not fair that some people don't appreciate how easy it was for them when there are many out there like us that not only have difficulty conceiving but also have had our faces slapped when we finally succeed in getting pregnant.. Something we want and feel so blessed when it does finally happen.
I would say that everyone has their own way of grieving and your partner's fears of having sex are in part related to the grief he feels over the loss of two children and one of your tubes. My husband has been very withdrawn and doesn't really talk about the loss, but he's not gone out of his way to make me feel at fault... Quite frankly, ectopic pregnancies are no one's fault... I don't push Jeff to talk to me, but when I see that he's withdrawn so far into himself I do encourage him to at least interact with me, even if it's sitting on the couch with me and settling in for a movie. Sometimes just being close to each other is enough to let your partner know that you are there if and when he is ready to talk. Knowing that your partner is grieving, and is withdrawing himself from you perhaps you might find a way to broach the subject without talking specifically about the pregnancy but find out what he needs to do to help heal himself?
For me I just want to cuddle and be held and know that Jeff is there for me. Jeff wants to create a time capsule for the little one that was not meant for this world right now. As it stands, even though I am on bed rest I have recruited my mom to help me find the things we need to make a time capsule for "Christopher" as my husband has named him. I want my husband to be able to heal his heart and be able to move forward. If doing this, while in my mind might seem strange, helps him to recover and feel that he has some closure, that's what I will do.