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DH & I had been TTC on and off since 2000, but after tests we found out that I had Endo and PCOS and the chances of us conceiving without IUI or IVF was very slim. So we made peace with the notion of being a childless couple, and wouldn't prevent but wouldn't actively TTC since I wasn't O'ing regularily.
Well, in early 2005 I started to O on my own and my cycles became regular. I was thrilled, and in the back of my mind I held onto the hope that I would get pg. DH & I tried to BD around my fertile days but nothing really happened so we didn't get our hopes up too much. Looking back, I truly believe it was a coping mechanism to deal with the pain of infertility.
In Oct 05 I noticed EWCM for the first time and took advantage of BD'ing on time, but didn't get my hopes up. Well, around the 3rd week in Oct I started to get really tired, to the point where I would fall asleep at the drop of a hat! I practically fell asleep in a board meeting! On Sat Oct 21 I took a pg test. Don't ask me what gave me that idea since I hadn't POAS in years, but I had a HPT in my bathroom for such an occasion. TO my utter surprise it came back BFP in a matter of moments. I started to cry and was hyperventalating. I literally thought I was going to throw up! From my calculations, I was about 5 weeks along.
I told DH and we were thrilled but didn't want to tell anybody until it was confirmed by my dr so we kept our little secret for a week. At 6 weeks, I noticed some brown spotting and was a little concerned, and it was only when I was active so I took it easy that day. The next day it was gone, but I made an appointment with my dr that Monday to put my mind at ease.
Monday came and I was feeling fine. Still tired, but no spotting and never had any cramps. Dh didn't have any sales calls that afternoon so he came with me to the dr, and it's a good thing he did. When I got to the office, she did an internal exam and said that my cervix was closed and there was no sign of spotting, but she wanted me to go for blood work and have an u/s to date the pg since my cycles weren't 100% normal and she wanted to date the pg.
So an hour later I had my u/s and I knew something wasn't right. I was in there for 20 minutes and wasn't allowed to see anything. Then the u/s tech left the room and when she came back, she told me to see my doctor right away and that she was waiting for me. I was terrified and knew something was horribly wrong. My dr saw us right away and took us into the room. She told us that it was ectopic and in my left tube. She also confirmed that I was just over 6 weeks pg and needed to get over to the hospital ASAP and that the surgeon on call was waiting for me. DH & I just sat there and cried. My dr even started to cry because she knew how much we had waited and wanted this baby.
I was conpletely shocked because I didn't have any symptoms that I was in any trouble I had all my pg symptoms, had a + HPT, had no pain or cramping, and felt no pressure. Except for the mild brown spotting, there was no concern. It just didn't make any sense.
So we called our parent's, and my best friend, and our pastor on our way to the hospital. That was the 1st time they had heard that I was pg and they were devestated.Everybody rushed to the hospital to be with DH while I was in surgery. DH's mom was a nurse on the surgical floor and was working that day and meet us in the ER. She then snuck into the hospital computer system so she could keep us posted as to what was going on. She really came through for us that day.
My surgeon decided that surgery was the best option since I was close to rupturing at any moment, and because I have Endo, he wanted to see if that had caused the EP. From the time of my u/s to being rolled into surgery, it was less than 5 hours and everybody really worked fast.
I can remember finally getting to see my parent's just as I was being rolled away to surgery. It was the most intense and sadest moment in my entire life. My parent's were crying and I was crying. They just kept saying how much they loved me and how proud they were of us, and then they prayed with DH & I before I was rolled away.
When I arrived in the OR I was a mess. I had been crying for hours and I thought the tears would have dried up by now, but they kept flowing. A kind nurse came and held my hand and brushed my hair off my forhead and said they would take excellent care of me. I remember an IV going in and being told to think of a nice travel destination. All I could think of was, this was the last time my baby (who was still alive) would ever be in my body. I felt horrible that my baby was being surgically removed just because it had implanted in the wrong place. To this day, I feel guilty and wish there was something that could have saved her. There are no words to describe the horrible feeling of knowing that your baby is alive but there's nothing you can do.
I woke up in recovery 50 min later and was given some morphine for the pain, and then a while later I was moved to my hospital room (I spent the night). I was moved to my MIL's floor and she had arranged to give me a private room and arranged for the nice nurses to take care of me. I was still very groggy and don't remember a whole lot, except that I felt well taken care of and very much loved.
My best friend had come to be with DH and my parent's and our pastor was also there for moral support. My MIL managed to sneak everybody into my room at 11pm to say hello. About 20 min later DH left to go home and get some sleep.
That entire night I was woken up every hour by the blood pressure monitor and was given a few shots of demoral for the pain. Around 5am I had enough since I couldn't really sleep and really wanted to go to the bathroom. So I remember calling the nurse and told her I wanted to get up. She was shocked but saw my determinism and helped me up. I wasn't in a lot of pain since I had the demeral shot and managed to make it to the bathroom and back to my bed fairly well. The nurse said she didn't see somebody want to get up so fast and was surprised to see how mobile I was. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was stubourn and find a way to get myself discharged by noon!
DH came by around 7am to be with me (even though visiting hours weren't for another few hours). I loved having my MIL taking care of us. It was the first time since everything happened the day before that we had a chance to be alone and actually talk about what had happened. We cried some more and held each other. We were numb with grief. I remember being very set on getting discharged that day and I was doing everything in my power to show the doctors and nurses that I was healthy enough to go home.
My MIL (who was also one of my nurses) came into my room and gave me a huge hug and said she loved me (I'm tearing up just thinking back to that!). She then asked if she could share something with me...and then proceeded to tell me of her co-worker who had gone through 3 m/c's and 2 ectopics and lost both tubes, and finally after all of that...she had a little girl just last year. While it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, I could understand, but still I thought to myself...gee...how bad for her, but how does that affect me?
Then an hour later the woman that my MIL had told me about came into my room (who was also a nurse on my floor), and asked if she could chat with me. She had huge tears in her eyes and sat down next to me, held my hand and just cried. She said that I should never loose hope. That life has a horrible sense of humour and that it's through these hard times that we grow and develop a new found strength and understanding. She then said that she knew that I might not really want to see the positive side and she completely understood that. Then she said to me that I will get through this, that I'm not alone and everything that I'm feeling is right feeling for me at that time.
At first I was a little taken back but when I saw the tears in her eyes and knew that she had been in my position and knew my hurt and anger first hand, I had an new appreciation for her.
Here was this complete stranger who had come to me at one of my lowest points in my entire life and was crying with me. She didn't have to come and see me. I'm sure it was dificult for her and brought back many raw emotions of laying in a hospital bed on that very same floor just 1.5 years prior to me.
I was so touched and as I sit here over a year later, I'm starting to see the power and wisdom in her words. Her advice wasn't for that moment...it was the later moments...when the clouds had begun to part. Her words have given me hope in knowing that I'm not alone, that many women have gone through this and gone on to have healthy babies. During our lows times we don't always want to hear about the positive, but now that I'm through the depression and anger portion of my healing...I crave hope.
It's so easy to dwell in the negative but there is hope (of some sort) in everything. We may never know why something happened or understand it. Heck...I'm your typical Type A personlity and a perfectionist too. I need to control things in my life and feel lost without some ounce of knowing what's going on in my life. I make lists, and create task lists for everything that I do. I devise backup plans, and backups to my backup plans! This whole experience has taught me that we're never in control.
Life is organic and can't be controled. It's out of our hands. I've come to rely on my faith. Sure...I've gotten angry at God and questioned him why, and after TTC for over 6 years. Come on...didn't He think that I had suffered enough!!! I have no idea why this happened to me. I have since gone through various tests to determine why it happened. All of my tests have come back normal. My SHG revealed clear tubes and during my surgery, my surgeon removed the endo that had grown back since my 1st endo surgery in 2000. The only good that came out of that experienced was finding out that the PCOS that I was dx with in 2000 was completely gone and hasn't returned. I also found out that the Endo was still mild and wasn't a factor in the EP.
The other lesson I learned is that I can face anything that comes my way. I'm a lot more stronger than I ever thought I was, and know that I can get through anything that comes my way.
Thank you for sharing your story. My story is posted a few threads above yours. It is amazing the amount of strength that you gain and realize of yourself when you go through something like this.
The pain comes and goes but your learn to deal with it.
Good luck and I am so sorry you had to go through an ectopic.