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  #1  
February 9th, 2009, 06:17 AM
Mellza's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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well its official, I married "the guy on the couch" ... I am at my wits end! Yesterday I tried to tell him that I need more help, and how it frustrates me that he sits and watches tv all day long while I clean, cook, do homework, and everything else that needs to be done... He FREAKS out on me and is mad because he thought I was telling him "all you ever do is watch tv, and you dont do nothing"

Which is mostly true, but I think he is in denial, which is probably why he got so defensive. He cleaned the kitchen yesterday, which I thanked him for TWICE! and this wasn't enough, because obviously he thought he needed more thanks than that?!?! I am DONE, why try talking to a brick wall? He had no idea what I was saying, he didn't even listen... So now I am still burned out, over worked, underhelped, and unheard.... I feel like crap. He left shortly after, we were going to meet up at a friends house for diner... I texted him and said I wanted to stay home to spend some time alone... meanwhile he doesn't come until 1AM. I am trying not to care, because it wont do me any good. I am tired of trying, and I want to give up on my marriage, go thru the motions until I get my degree and divorce. This is crazyiness... If I am going to live like a single woman, and care for some man on the couch, I might as well be a single woman... I've figured out that my husband doesn't need a wife, he needs his mother.
anyone else feel this way sometimes??? I realize I am venting, but apart of me wants to give up, because I am so tired of trying to make it better, when right now it seems like a lost cause.
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Melly, 27. Wife to Jim. We're pregnant! VBAC hopeful after 2 c-sections
Living and loving life in NW Arkansas, USA

Mom to Logan, my beautiful angel son. 7/8/07 - 2/19/08
Collin , born on Oct. 15th 2010, 9.11 lbs. 100% breastfeeding, cloth diapered, all organic goodness.

Baby #3 on the way. EDD May 21st, 2012
SAHM, Student (science major). Volunteer (Arkansas Childrens Hospital).
Facebook :http://www.facebook.com/melly.jeffers
Family blog: http://mellyjimandcounting.blogspot.com/
My first son Logan, 7/8/07 - 2/19/08.
6 months in the NICU, 1 month at home, missed and thought about every single day.

Logans blog: logansworld.blog.com
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  #2  
February 9th, 2009, 06:27 AM
peacoxx's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am sorry you are having it out with DH. The thing about marriage is we are going to have our ups and unfortunately our downs. Divorce is such a big word and i think that all avenues should be traveled before we start seriously thinking about it. The one thing i realized from being married is sometimes how you see it is not how DH sees it (although we are normally right lol). I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and there was a couple that was going thru, and similarly the wife complained that all the DH did was sit on the computer when he was supposed to be doing homework or work, while she cooked, cleaned etc... But when they took a look at his perspective, every time he did do something she would go and redo it herself cause it wasn't to her liking or similar things like that. I realized then, that sometimes when I do ask DH to fold the clothes or wash them, if he does things differently than I, i kinda get annoyed and end up saying 'forget it' although it seems they just do it wrong because they don't want to do it, they are just doing it the way they do it and we are not happy.

On the other hand, they do get lazy and I thiunk they really feel deep down (other than the domesticated men) that we are the ones who should do all that stuff anyways. When i cook i expect DH to clean up the dishes...whereas he's the one who thinks that if I made all that mess then I should clean it. I can't get mad cause for the most part when he cooks (the once in a while he does) he pretty much keeps it simple. I know it's a lot harder to make a mess if you cook with one pot, but he wipes up and all. He has realized though that he doesn't shift his weight as much.

It sometimes takes a lot of time or a LOT more of listening. We want our men to tell us what they feel but we are so used to talking that we don't really listen. They have a totally different mindset than we do.

I don't know what else has happened in your marriage, but if you haven't done counseling, or had a mediator, i would recommend you do it. It's okay to get mad, but just make sure you both listen.

I can't tell you how many times DH and I have had an argument (we don't do it much but we do) and at the end we realize we are actually agreeing on the same thing it's just being presented differently. We had to laugh at that one day.

Anyways just relax, breath and hey if you have to go on a strike. Although when i did that it didn't work.
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  #3  
February 9th, 2009, 06:34 AM
jbc0827
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HUGS!!!!! I think every one of us has felt this way at one point or another. Don't ive up on your marriage just yet. There are probably a lot of other issues going on and the cleaning is what is causing the blowup. From reading your siggy you two have had a lot going on the past couple of years with the loss of your son. I would highly recommend counseling for both of you.
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  #4  
February 9th, 2009, 06:35 AM
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HUGS!!! I've BTDT, and know exactly how you feel. I went on strike. I didn't cook or clean or anything (yeah, not even DTD, and that is what got his attention). I would grab a bite to eat on my way to and from work (at the time I wasn't in school) or at work and only did what cleaning I needed done. IE: I picked up after myself and did my laundry. DH & kids were on their own. They finally realized after about a month that they were going to have to do some things for themselves or they wouldn't get done. My response whenever they would ask about food or clothes or whatever was, "sorry, I don't have time, do it yourself". I didn't argue, or tell them to do anything. If they didn't do it, it didn't get done. Eventually, they sucked it up and cleaned up after themselves and now the house runs very smoothly without me, which is good, because while I'm not officially on strike anymore, I seriously don't have time! LOL It's drastic and not possible with really little ones, but going on strike really does work. And it really pisses people off when you look lovingly at them and coo "I'm sorry, I just don't have the time." but you don't have to fight.
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  #5  
February 9th, 2009, 07:00 AM
Bluebayou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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All we ever do is argue. He is so dirty. I clean all day and take care of our son. He comes home with total disregard for anything ive done, throws his clothes on the floor, makes a mess, asks me where his dinner is, eats, leaves his plates. I went away to my moms two weeks ago and for about 5 days and when i came back i was so upset, the house was a disaster, there were literally no plates left in the kitchen they were all dirty and crusted on the counter with ahrd stuck on food. The carpet had stains on it, the bedroom was like a hurricane had hit it and he didnt even take the garbage out so the place stunk to the high heavens! I am going through the same thing with him. He doesnt sit on the couch all day and he does earn a good living for us, but he is do disgusting and disrespectful towards me.

EW I hate hiim sometimes!!!
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  #6  
February 9th, 2009, 07:11 AM
mrsroseblack's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My DH has always been that way. I just gave up trying to get him to do stuff.. However I get to stay home with my son so I don't feel like he should have to do housework. He goes out and works for a living.

Although when it comes to our son, he helps me out with him. I just don't try to get him to do housework anymore. When I worked fulltime, I expected it but not now.

I love my MIL but she always wanted to do everything for her family. She never taught them to cook or clean or even do laundry or the dishes! They are ALL 3 helpless. My SIL is a complete slob and she's lazy unless it comes to stuff she WANTS to do... and she's getting married August 1st to a guy whose mother has always kept the house 100% PERECT. His mom cleans the church... she's just always cleaning stuff lol. So.. Jimmy doesn't know what he's getting in to. lol Anyway as a result, Josh (my DH) is no good with housework but sometimes we will have a cleaning day and he will help organize stuff.
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  #7  
February 9th, 2009, 08:07 AM
candacesoon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry Melly, that you are having to deal with any extra stress right now. My DH does do housework when he is around (which is sometimes rarely) but we definitley have our other issues we fight about (his temper, his being inconsiderate, etc). Do you think Evan is depressed about his job? I know that you have worked very hard to keep this marraige going through some horrendous times and I also know that you will make the correct choices for yourself. You are smart and strong and i've always admired you. Keep us posted ....feel free to vent anytime!


Hugs,
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  #8  
February 9th, 2009, 08:13 AM
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I'm not sure what to say, but I did want to send some
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  #9  
February 9th, 2009, 08:51 AM
Mellza's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for the advice pamela, and all the other thoughts. Tonya, I have done the strike many of times. I take it very personally if gender stero types are used against me. I grew up in a VERY womanly oppressed environment, and I have wroked hard to break that cycle, so it really bothers me that I am expected to do more just because I am a woman We live by the rule, if you dont like it, then do it yourself... (for example I dont do DH laundry because I cannot do it to his standards) ... so I guess I am going to take this practive to heart and do everything myself and quit asking for help... *because he never really does his part anyway, though he says "I'll do it tonight." and he NEVER does*
I think what really bothers me is he says he wants to help, does help and will do certain things if I ask him to do it... well, I ask and he never follows thru... We have had our fair share of lies *he has lied about a lot of things* so i don't trust him to begin w/ and so if he says something I want to believe him... every time he fails, i take a few steps away from trusting him... it does go much deeper than cleaning, ect. I am not sure how in love w/ him I am ... I am not sure if I love him at all... but i really want to, and i want it to work... I mean wouldn't someone who loved their dh clean up, and not get mad if cloths are left lying around? We went to dtd over the weekend, and (tmi) his body up against mine totally grossed me out... like I am not that attracted to him anymore... But it nots like I am really attrached to anyone... we've been in and out of counseling for almost 5 years.
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Melly, 27. Wife to Jim. We're pregnant! VBAC hopeful after 2 c-sections
Living and loving life in NW Arkansas, USA

Mom to Logan, my beautiful angel son. 7/8/07 - 2/19/08
Collin , born on Oct. 15th 2010, 9.11 lbs. 100% breastfeeding, cloth diapered, all organic goodness.

Baby #3 on the way. EDD May 21st, 2012
SAHM, Student (science major). Volunteer (Arkansas Childrens Hospital).
Facebook :http://www.facebook.com/melly.jeffers
Family blog: http://mellyjimandcounting.blogspot.com/
My first son Logan, 7/8/07 - 2/19/08.
6 months in the NICU, 1 month at home, missed and thought about every single day.

Logans blog: logansworld.blog.com
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  #10  
February 9th, 2009, 01:26 PM
tinymomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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oh honey I totally understand you!!!! I feel that way about my hubby to. My hubby really doesn't do anything around here but watch tv when he's home too and we have 4 kids!!! And yeah I understand he works all day and I stay at home but STILL he should help more around the house when he's home. I think if he helped me more then I would feel more loved. All my dh and I do is fight too. Sometimes I think divorce would be easier, but we have 4 kids and I really DO love him. I want to learn to love him where he's at, maybe stop expecting help?? I dont know and I don't think there's an easy solution. I have stopped asking him to do things and just do them myself. It's easier then fighting about it. and I think most wives get fed up when they have to pick up after their hubby. They are grown men they should know better!!
Good Luck w/ everything, just know that there are others out there that feel like you and you're not alone!!
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  #11  
February 9th, 2009, 02:13 PM
ana410ny's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I really don't know what to say that hasn't been said already... just wanted to give ya some
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  #12  
February 9th, 2009, 02:59 PM
peacoxx's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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oh melly that sucks! at least you have been trying to make it work. I know what u mean about dh up against you and not feeling the attraction, i went thru that when dh was in his funk, but it was worse cause i know i loved him and i just didn't want him near me.

I really hope that maybe this is one of the 'down' times. Sometimes i fall in love with DH over and over again. But it's hard to say when we don't know your DH and it's hard to understand men and they don't understand us.

Men are big babies too sometimes, when we confront them, they never wanna hear it. I know we do nag a lot sometimes, but at times it seems they really don't pay attention. And i HATE when DH says he'll do something and never does or it takes FOREVER. but he doesn't just do that to me, he does it to his mother too. And that's one of his complaints, "you sound like my mother"

idk hun...hang in there
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  #13  
February 9th, 2009, 04:27 PM
Mellza's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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we're going to see a counselor tomorrow... i think i am targeting him for my own stress... and to be truthful i dont know how to deal with the load that i feel that i am carrying (whether the load is stress worthy or not) ... I am not sure - but i feel like my only solution is to sleep less...
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Melly, 27. Wife to Jim. We're pregnant! VBAC hopeful after 2 c-sections
Living and loving life in NW Arkansas, USA

Mom to Logan, my beautiful angel son. 7/8/07 - 2/19/08
Collin , born on Oct. 15th 2010, 9.11 lbs. 100% breastfeeding, cloth diapered, all organic goodness.

Baby #3 on the way. EDD May 21st, 2012
SAHM, Student (science major). Volunteer (Arkansas Childrens Hospital).
Facebook :http://www.facebook.com/melly.jeffers
Family blog: http://mellyjimandcounting.blogspot.com/
My first son Logan, 7/8/07 - 2/19/08.
6 months in the NICU, 1 month at home, missed and thought about every single day.

Logans blog: logansworld.blog.com
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  #14  
February 9th, 2009, 05:03 PM
peacoxx's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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yeah sometimes when we are stressed the only person to take it out on is DH or our children and it sucks. Plus you said AF is in town right? that's a double whammy. Have you two had a date recently? I mean a nice one not just for v-day. Maybe after you get some more counseling tomorrow u can set up a date and maybe just relax and not fuss, just remember what it is you love about each other, or find out if there is still love
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  #15  
February 9th, 2009, 06:19 PM
Mellza's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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yes, we had a great date last thurs. ballet and sushi (it dont get much better) but I think I def. dont know what to do with all my bottled up stress (i use the word stress but its more like @#$%$!!!) ... I guess I wonder, how are we going to make it thru... how am I going to stop blaming him? after all it is just socks... and I think the real reason is all my personal heart ache has no where to turn except in... and it comes out in blaming/destructive ways. I guess its good I am seeing a shrink tomorrow!
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Melly, 27. Wife to Jim. We're pregnant! VBAC hopeful after 2 c-sections
Living and loving life in NW Arkansas, USA

Mom to Logan, my beautiful angel son. 7/8/07 - 2/19/08
Collin , born on Oct. 15th 2010, 9.11 lbs. 100% breastfeeding, cloth diapered, all organic goodness.

Baby #3 on the way. EDD May 21st, 2012
SAHM, Student (science major). Volunteer (Arkansas Childrens Hospital).
Facebook :http://www.facebook.com/melly.jeffers
Family blog: http://mellyjimandcounting.blogspot.com/
My first son Logan, 7/8/07 - 2/19/08.
6 months in the NICU, 1 month at home, missed and thought about every single day.

Logans blog: logansworld.blog.com
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  #16  
February 9th, 2009, 07:10 PM
peacoxx's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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one of the hardest things for us to face is ourselves...i don't doubt that there may be some issues in your relationship, but it may not be that much to divorce or anything...

self retrospection is HUGE. It hurts, but when you have a chance to reflect (and maybe the shrink may help) dig deep down and see if there is something you are not forgiving yourself for or something you're bottling up that you just need to release.

When i was going thru with DH i couldn' figure out why i took stuff out on him (although he triggered a lot of my responses), but i finally started realizing that there was stuff in my past i wasn't letting go of. I am spiritual/religious, so that plays a big factor in my life and marriage. Once you find out your flaws you have to start repairing and healing. Then be open with DH. You'll get it. Life is hard, but you can conquer anything in time.
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  #17  
February 10th, 2009, 07:01 AM
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I hope things get better for you. My ex was a lot like that. If he was at home he was in bed watching tv. Then he'd complain to me that the house wasn't clean enough. He did nothing but what I did was not good enough. Marriage is hard and I really hope you can look back to the reasons you fell in love in the beginning and get tha back.
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