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  #1  
May 4th, 2008, 09:25 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,930
do it? I don't mean homeschool opposition, which we do get our fair share of, but the other stuff. I may have mentioned here or there the stuff that is going on with the inlaws. Cancer with SIL, craziness with FIL and Alzheimer's with DH's Grandma. MIL is taking care of both of them and often of my SIL's 3 young kids. It's not that I don't want to help, but... I really am having a hard time. Right now Emily doesn't need a lot of structure so that is fine, but the more it happens now the worse I think it will get. Both FIL and Grandma are going to get worse not better and we don't even know if SIL will get to be cancer free. Heck, FIL's cancer came back 3 times. The problem is that the more we get into school, the more I don't see how I can just drop everything to help. Just because I am home I am afraid they will consider me to be fair game. I know I should help and that is where I am conflicted. Between feeling guilty for not wanting to help and sacrifice our time as a family and education time and feeling guilty for neglecting my kids. MIL called tonight and asked if, for the 3rd time in a week if I could watch SIL's 3 kids, my 2 kids, Grandma and FIL. She has some deadline thing and is freaking out. She doesn't have anyone to go to and I feel bad. I wish she would give me more notice. If I say anything like that she acts like I hate to help. It's not that I hate it, but it is REALLY hard. 5 kids AND 2 crazy old people? I asked if we could do it at my house so I could prepare for this dinner with my family- who I NEVER see by the way- and do my laundry. That made her again feel like I didn't want to help. I just don't know what to do. If this gets worse what do I do? I can't say yes every time. You see why I want to move to Texas or Tennessee? How can I possibly juggle it all? I feel like I would be abandoning them and I really feel like we are supposed to stay here, but how? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I want to cry! Especially since I feel like I get this dumped on me too like it effects me. I am signing up for a huge responsibility here in teaching my kids and MIL once said that she understood that and would agree to give me space, but I don't see it happening. Plus if I can't help her, she won't help me when I need it. Ugh! I guess it is just life.
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  #2  
May 4th, 2008, 10:35 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,657
I really am going to respond... I just saw this now and I have to go to bed...I really am a lot more concerned about your health and the health of your family right this second because stress takes a toll on everyone... again I'm sorry I can't write right now and I have tons of questions flouting through my head about your situation. I'll try to write as soon as I wake up but I've been up for WAY to long again and am getting called to bed.
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  #3  
May 5th, 2008, 05:54 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 28,853
Learn to say no and don't feel guilty. Sometimes say yes, but only when you feel truly up to it.
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  #4  
May 5th, 2008, 10:42 AM
MissyPrincessEha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 11,318
It is hard. I understand.

You need to remind them that you will help, that you do want to be one to lighten their load. You want to help your family prosper.

But that you have children you are schooling and a young family. You MUST put them first. And that you guys need to look at other options for care of the 2 elders and care of the 3 children that are not yours. You have to put your children and husband first. That is how you are wired as a mother. It is normal. It is healthy and vital to the long term goal.

And that not even they should have such a burden when we live in a time where we have so many helps and options.

HUGS sweet lady.
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  #5  
May 5th, 2008, 03:14 PM
joandsarah77's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,547
What a hard and difficult situation for you. Do more and feel stressed and put upon, do less and feel the whole family guilt trip you I bet. I don't know what I would do apart from saying you want it your place should be a given, and tell your mil how many times a week is a realistic amount to keep your sanity. Hard to say it but it isn't your family it's in-laws and expecting to look after your sister in-laws 3 kids and two high maintenance old people on top of your own family is a huge thing. Maybe agree to one day a week and no more?
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  #6  
May 5th, 2008, 05:05 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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Update: It wasn't so bad. They tried to be more accommodating this time. FIL and Grandma were sent somewhere else and I only had the 5 year old and the 3 year old for a few hours. I can handle that. Thanks for the advice and kind words.
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  #7  
May 5th, 2008, 06:21 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ohio
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Sorry it took so long.

Has your family made a list of resources and drop by centers for adults and kids in the area. It may be useful if your family can get together with a 24 hour home care center (both child and adult) and see if the pay a little extra each time they need to be there if they can use it as a drop in center instead of full time if they call a day in advance. If there is no way the adults can be out side the house then, they need to look into a home nurse coming to watch them. There are some companies private and public that do this.

I know you think it's unfair to your MIL to deal with all this but it sounds like she uses it to manipulate you. I really think that she may want to look at http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp or http://www.nami.org/ they will probably be able to tell her or you many resources in your area that you didn't know about. The only other thing I can suggest is for you to say I can be free to help you on (pick a day or two in the week) and keep those days open to them any other time you can't do it. You'll have to be very concrete at first.

Have they made and wrote down plans for the future. It's really hard to see something when you are right in the middle of it. Therefor writing down when it would be to much for your mother-in-law what can she do to relieve stress and it would be able to look at the possibility of what would happen if it was to much or she got sick and how to tell when that happens.

It sounds like a plan needs to be put in place. With so many sick relatives your family is placed under so much pressures and that can lead to you guys getting sick too because of stress and you need to be able to take care of your kids. I might be sounding mean about planning but I really am not trying to sorry. The reason why I say planing would help to relieve everyones stress is because it gives as much of an outsiders opinion of your (general your) ability to care for the person as possible. Think about it in the way of trying to set up the healthiest possible situation for everyone. No one bats an eye when a kids has a health plan, or education plan (usually they are rolled into one called a 504 or IEP) but it is rarely even considered for adults when they get sick. You can also talk to there doctors for there suggestions.
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  #8  
May 5th, 2008, 10:56 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,930
Quote:
Sorry it took so long.

Has your family made a list of resources and drop by centers for adults and kids in the area. It may be useful if your family can get together with a 24 hour home care center (both child and adult) and see if the pay a little extra each time they need to be there if they can use it as a drop in center instead of full time if they call a day in advance. If there is no way the adults can be out side the house then, they need to look into a home nurse coming to watch them. There are some companies private and public that do this.

I know you think it's unfair to your MIL to deal with all this but it sounds like she uses it to manipulate you. I really think that she may want to look at http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp or http://www.nami.org/ they will probably be able to tell her or you many resources in your area that you didn't know about. The only other thing I can suggest is for you to say I can be free to help you on (pick a day or two in the week) and keep those days open to them any other time you can't do it. You'll have to be very concrete at first.

Have they made and wrote down plans for the future. It's really hard to see something when you are right in the middle of it. Therefor writing down when it would be to much for your mother-in-law what can she do to relieve stress and it would be able to look at the possibility of what would happen if it was to much or she got sick and how to tell when that happens.

It sounds like a plan needs to be put in place. With so many sick relatives your family is placed under so much pressures and that can lead to you guys getting sick too because of stress and you need to be able to take care of your kids. I might be sounding mean about planning but I really am not trying to sorry. The reason why I say planing would help to relieve everyones stress is because it gives as much of an outsiders opinion of your (general your) ability to care for the person as possible. Think about it in the way of trying to set up the healthiest possible situation for everyone. No one bats an eye when a kids has a health plan, or education plan (usually they are rolled into one called a 504 or IEP) but it is rarely even considered for adults when they get sick. You can also talk to there doctors for there suggestions.[/b]

I agree that they need to look into different resources. Here is the thing. MIL is trying to sell or rent her mom's house. She has paid for some help to have it ready to do either one, but needs help cleaning it out. We have offered to give her some Saturdays as long as we know in advance. She sends Grandma to a old folks day care 3-4 times a week. That does help her and me. FIL, can't and won't go. He is the most unreasonable out of the two and the hardest to deal with. Think large two year old, who shouldn't be driving, but won't listen and who thinks the world revolves around him and that everyone- no matter who- needs to baby sit him every hour of the day. It's frustrating. The only place he can go, if he will go, is to his parents house- they are in their 90's and that sucks for them. He doesn't qualify to go to the same place Grandma does and wouldn't go anyway. SIL has her cancer she is dealing with. She SAHMs and watches her kids herself, which is good. However, if MIL ever needs to do something or SIL does, they can't seem to do it without the other. Why? Support, but the thing that is hard for me to understand is if something is hard for me, I can rarely go to anyone. As for what we would do if MIL died, I don't know, the thought would be so devastating! It would be our family and SIL's family. My other BIL and SIL don't like helping and the younger couple has mental and health issues too. So you can see, this is just a blast sometimes. Both SIL and MIL have recently been swindled. MIL with life insurance and SIL with a real estate venture that threatens to take their home. Nice. So they are meeting with lawyers left and right. They are in dire straights right now, but they always are. I am actually more able to help, like you said if I can say "I can help on this day." But that is not how they ask for help, they call the night before and beg and then accuse me of not wanting to contribute and help. GRRRR!!! Ah, well. I think I am just going to have to plug along and when I can't give I will have to say no. I can't say yes every time. I just can't. Anyway, thanks for the advice. I really do think we need to sit down as a family and try and have some sort of plan, but sadly MIL is too high strung to do that.
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  #9  
May 6th, 2008, 11:14 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,657
what does your DH say about it? I'm really sorry they do that to you. Please try not to wait until you can't do it before figuring something out I know it's really hard to do and you may have to exclude your MIL from planning if it is to much for her. They may want to see if lawyers can come to them. Also you may want your mother-in-law to look at her state to see if she is legally allowed to take his license away or take it close to when it expires because after if expires he has to re-test. FIL may refuse to go anywhere out of fear, if he has a dr. or other person that he respects can they suggest it to him? I know it's really hard to deal with unreasonable family, and I know what it's like to be the unreasonable family member. Good-luck and if there's anything any of us can help you with just ask.
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  #10  
May 6th, 2008, 05:49 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,930
Quote:
what does your DH say about it? I'm really sorry they do that to you. Please try not to wait until you can't do it before figuring something out I know it's really hard to do and you may have to exclude your MIL from planning if it is to much for her. They may want to see if lawyers can come to them. Also you may want your mother-in-law to look at her state to see if she is legally allowed to take his license away or take it close to when it expires because after if expires he has to re-test. FIL may refuse to go anywhere out of fear, if he has a dr. or other person that he respects can they suggest it to him? I know it's really hard to deal with unreasonable family, and I know what it's like to be the unreasonable family member. Good-luck and if there's anything any of us can help you with just ask. [/b]

DH knows he has a hard family to deal with. He helps when he can, but he is working and going to school. There isn't a whole lot he can help with. He tries to talk to them when he gets a chance. FIL nearly kills people when he drives, fear does not motivate him not to, he has irrational fear that motivates him TO drive. Fear that he will be alone, that no one will take care of him, etc. He has limited driving, but he is just really hard. It's hard because I want to be nice to him while he still lives, he is going to get to the point where he can't eat or breathe because of his neck and I try to just be nice when I can. I know that Grandma has a place to go, but we don't know about FIL. I feel awful, but I couldn't take him at all and I hate putting Grandparents "away". I think it is mean and cruel, but he endangers the children sometimes. It's just a plain old hard situation. But we will figure it out. Lawyers might be a good idea. Thanks again.
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