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Need some help and knew you ladies would have good advice


Forum: Homeschooling

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  #1  
May 20th, 2008, 12:02 AM
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My sweet friend and neighbor just had a miscarriage and I am so sad for her! I would like to do something. Like make dinner or give her a card and flowers. I have never experienced a miscarriage so I want to be sensitive to her feelings and her family. It just happened yesterday. I don't want to not let them grieve you know? When is appropriate do you think? Is it better to show them sooner rather than later? And my DH wanted to give them a card and treats. blink.gif I told them that didn't seem appropriate for a loss like that and then give them treats. What is appropriate to show I care? Any advice would be great! TIA!
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  #2  
May 20th, 2008, 04:35 AM
MissyPrincessEha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Louisiana
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I think a meal and a sweet note that you are there is perfectly time. And then if she brings it up later to allow her to speak, listen and just be there. Some women need to have someone hear the loss of their dreams and hopes. Some don't. You should do something if you feel led in your heart. It will not steer you wrong.
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  #3  
May 20th, 2008, 05:17 AM
~hsingtreehouse~
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I like Chelita's idea. I also think that if you don't want to be "in their face" so to speak for awhile, having flowers delivered to them with a nice card is a great way to show you care and are there for them, but still giving them time and space to grieve before having to be around people and feeling like they should talk abou it.

But I 100% agree. If you feel led to do something for them, don't ignore the calling.
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  #4  
May 20th, 2008, 06:09 AM
JustAKrazymom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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When I had my last M/C ( I've had 7 and lost a twin with each Declan and Ziah) all my friends pooled together and gave me an angel figurine.. I have it on my shelf in my kitchen and I just cherish that so much...so that is always an idea.
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  #5  
May 20th, 2008, 06:25 AM
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I agree that if you feel led to do something then by all means do something. I love the little figurine idea. A meal would be greatly appreciated as well I'm sure.
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  #6  
May 20th, 2008, 06:32 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
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My answer depends on how close your are to her. My friend had a devastating loss and I spent hours talking to her on the phone (we don't live near each other) and sent a card on the first anniversary of her loss and a tree to plant on the due date she had had. If you are close to her, I'd give her something (like an Willow Tree figurine) as well as dinner and a thinking of you card. If you are not close to her, dinner and a card would probably be all that's necessary. Definitely let her know if she wants to talk you are there. Whatever you do, don't say it was for the best or there may have been something wrong with the baby or anything stupid many people say without thinking but trying to help others feel better. That was so hard on my friend because even if any of those things might have been true, she certainly didn't want to hear them and they certainly didn't make her feel better. A simple hug and I'm sorry is generally best.
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  #7  
May 20th, 2008, 07:23 AM
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These ladies gave some great ideas!
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  #8  
May 20th, 2008, 08:23 AM
Farmers-wife's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Totally agree here. A meal, dessert or something along with a meaningful note of condolence is the shark move here. She will want to know that her baby mattered.
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  #9  
May 20th, 2008, 08:52 AM
Jenneve's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I had 4 miscarriages before I had Jack, and, honestly, I didn't really want anyone making much of it. I mean, I was hurting and sad and bordered on depression after my last one, but I didn't want to be smothered. I knew they meant well, and it was nice to know that they cared, but I was just so deep in my sadness that I couldn't deal with it. But that was just me. I'm very personal and keep things to myself. For me, a simple card & a hug was enough, and then leave me alone.

Having said that, if you feel led to do something more for your friend, and you feel that she would be fine with it then just do whatever you feel she would appreciate. But I do agree with Heather as far as what NOT to say. The last thing anyone should say is that it's for the best, maybe there was something wrong with the baby, or you can always try again. Personally I despised it when anyone said there will be other babies. At that point, you don't care about "other babies." You just want the one you lost.

for your friend.
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  #10  
May 20th, 2008, 10:23 AM
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Thanks everyone for the advice. She is my close neighbor as I live in a tight University community. I wouldn't say we are like the best of friends, but she is in my church with me. I teach her oldest son and she is a sweet girl. We talk a lot on the playground and I know she has got to be just devestated by this, as is her husband who really wanted this more than she did she said. It's just so sad! Yeah, I would never think of saying anything like that to her. It is just really insensitive to do that. JM ladies have taught me a lot about what not to say. I really like the figurine idea. I think I will just give her a card and some flowers. I don't want her to be smothered either. Anyway, thanks again for the advice.
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  #11  
May 20th, 2008, 04:43 PM
joandsarah77's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It really depends on how the person copes with things and how close you are. It sounds like from your last post that flowers and a card would be about right. Some people, (not you!) have total foot in mouthittus when it comes to what to say. After we lost our first at birth due to a birth defect one lady asked me If I would like to hold a real live baby. (her's) It upset me for hours later! A simple "I am so sorry for your loss" is always appreciated.
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  #12  
May 20th, 2008, 06:56 PM
Jenneve's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
After we lost our first at birth due to a birth defect one lady asked me If I would like to hold a real live baby. (her's)[/b]
Oh my gosh, Jo! I can't believe someone actually said that to you! How insensitive!
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Happy Homeschooling Mom to:
Jack 7/27/99
Jared 8/25/01
Justin 10/18/02

My blogs...
Fishers of Men *UPDATED 8/7/09*
Truely Scrumptious Cakes *UPDATED 7/28/09*

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  #13  
May 20th, 2008, 07:36 PM
joandsarah77's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I got plenty of the "It's for the best" "There will be other babies" But that one sure took the cake.
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  #14  
May 21st, 2008, 07:26 AM
Jenneve's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I got alot of "there will be other babies" and "everything happens for a reason" and "maybe it just wasn't the right time" but I never had anything like that. That's the worst what-not-to-say comment I've ever heard!
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Happy Homeschooling Mom to:
Jack 7/27/99
Jared 8/25/01
Justin 10/18/02

My blogs...
Fishers of Men *UPDATED 8/7/09*
Truely Scrumptious Cakes *UPDATED 7/28/09*

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  #15  
May 22nd, 2008, 05:17 PM
MissyPrincessEha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Louisiana
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OH MY WORD! People amaze me!

When I thought I was losing Remy at 14 weeks the receptionist got real close to my ear and whispered better things are coming, don't be sad, don't be upset. No matter I was pouring blood EVERYWHERE, and so FREAKING SAD!

Peope are idiots sometimes. Don't say anything if you can't put yourself in that persons shoes! It isn't for the best. It hurts.
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