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Hard decision - Bryce *may* be going to live with his dad next year.


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  #1  
May 1st, 2009, 06:38 AM
~hsingtreehouse~
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This decision is not really sudden. We have been struggling for quite some time. Bryce is a very angry child. He has very little respect for Dan and I or our rules and the fighting he does with his brother is getting out of hand. It is constant disrespect. The talking back, the drama when he is punished is just over the top. I have tried everything I know to do and nothing, I repeat NOTHING is working.

I have prayed about it, and I truly feel that maybe Bryce would be happier if his living situation were reversed. If he lived with his dad and visited me. Right now, his dad hardly sees him, so when he does, Bryce is as good as GOLD at their house and he has no brother to fight with. Apparently he is pleasant and fun to be around. In our house, he is NOT pleasant nor fun to be around. He is a constant source of strain, anger, yelling, and fighting.

I just had a long talk with him and told him that, since he has two weeks left of 4th grade, he will be working the next two weeks on changing his behavior 10 fold. If I don't see a change in those two weeks, a real effort from this kid, I feel I have no choice but to make the arrangements with his dad.

Bryce's dad is not some deadbeat who never pays child support or anything. He is a good guy. We talk almost daily. I like his girlfriend (who lives with him) probably more than I like Robert (B's dad). Robert makes great money as a DM for a fortune 100 company. His girlfriend also works and is successful in her career. They live in a nice, 3 bedroom home in a Maryland suburb. I guess my point is that I am not sending him off to the unknown. I never wanted to "give up" the custody of my son, but I just can't live like this anymore either. Apparently Bryce is NOT happy here and his behavior shows is 100%. I want to do what is best for him NOW, before he becomes a teenager who is much bigger than me and much more angry...

I am not sure why I am posting this...other than I just need to say it - write it down and let it out.
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  #2  
May 1st, 2009, 06:54 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
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I'm sorry That's so hard. I am sure you will make the best decision. What does Bryce want?
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  #3  
May 1st, 2009, 07:00 AM
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Big hugs to you!! That has to be a hard decision to make. You are a good Mom for wanting what's best for everyone. Have you considered a trial period- say for a month or two over the summer to see how it goes? I hope things work out for all of you whatever you decide!
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  #4  
May 1st, 2009, 07:19 AM
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I'm sorry but he "visits" his Dad right? Well I would expect him to be good for short spurt visits like that. The visitation parent typically doesn't get to see the "real kid". You have him daily so of course he is going to act out with you. I just think you need to really think about this, and what you would do if you and Bryce's Dad weren't divorced. Is he so bad you would consider resorting to a group home if you were still together? I hope this isn't coming across as too brash, or harsh. I have just been in Bryce's shoes, and I know my Mom took some major crap from me. If she had sent me to my Dad though it would have been no different, maybe for a few weeks/months, but I would have ended up with the same behaviors there. Plus it would have devastated me to leave my Mom. Has Bryce expressed interest in living there? And you said he was an atheist I thought, will respect your and Bryce's religious beliefs? Just my 2 cents.
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  #5  
May 1st, 2009, 07:40 AM
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I completely understand the feeling of "I want to do what is best for him NOW, before he becomes a teenager who is much bigger than me and much more angry."

He's not on med for his ADHD right? have them look at Fairhaven School or The Freedom School because public school wasn't really working out. If school would require him to be on medication try it.
Quote:
Bryce is as good as GOLD at their house and he has no brother to fight with.
How long is he there for?

I completely understand the feeling of "I want to do what is best for him NOW, before he becomes a teenager who is much bigger than me and much more angry."

He's not on med for his ADHD right? have them look at Fairhaven School or The Freedom School because public school wasn't really working out. If school would require him to be on medication try it.
Quote:
Bryce is as good as GOLD at their house and he has no brother to fight with.
How long is he there for?
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  #6  
May 1st, 2009, 09:15 AM
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I kinda agree with some comments above. I was a PITA child, and my mom sent me to my dads to "get rid of me" when I was 13. Psychology it will mess with him for the rest of his life. He will feel like you dont want him/love him, and he will feel abandoned. I am not saying this to be mean at all. I have been in his shoes and thats what will go through his mind.

I was also abused by my dad physically/mentally. My mom never thought my dad would do that, but he did. I ended up comming home, then running away, living with an older guy and got pregnant (chyanne) by 15.

Have you tried counceling? And not just for him, family counceling for all of you. 99% of the time, a problem with a child isnt the childs problem, but an issue with the way the family functions.

Again, I am not saying this to be mean or rude. Just the truth. And with a decision this serious, it cant be sugar coated.

Have you
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  #7  
May 1st, 2009, 10:16 AM
~hsingtreehouse~
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I definitely see where you all are coming from and I appreciate the perspective. I also had a rough childhood, but mine was kind of a no brainer. At my mom's, I was spoiled and got away with murder. At my dad's, I was beaten to bruises. There wasn't a choice.

For Bryce, there is a choice. He misses his dad. He loves his dad. When I ask him if he wants to go live with his dad, he says, "no." Then he cites reasons like, "then I wouldn't have Karate on Tuesdays" or "my dad would have to work and his gf doesn't stay home." I mean, to me, these are selfish little things. When he is home, I think some of the reason he acts out is because he doesn't see his dad enough and he will cry and tell me that he misses him. He is angry, in some ways, with his dad for not visiting more.

I am sure part of the reason he is so good at his dad's is because he is only there for a week or so at a time. I totally get that. But it is frustrating all the same. He comes home each time with behaviors that are not acceptable at home and we have to "break" him from them all over again.

I defintely am not "trying to get rid of him" (and I realize that you didn't mean I was...just that it is the way he may feel), but I am trying to find some kind of peace and order and calm within my home. It is not fair to my other child to have to live this way either. If Bryce is so miserable here and life is so "unfair" then maybe he would be happier with his dad.

I don't know. This is hard for me, but something I have been mulling over for awhile now. Mostly, it comes down to the fact that the kid is miserable here (and makes all of us miserable in the process) and I want to help him NOT be miserable. Sure, it helps us not be miserable too...but what about when he is 15 and stands a foot taller than me - then what do I do with him? I haven't been able to earn his respect or gain control of his behavior in 10 years, why would i be able to when he is 15? And how much worse will it be then when Scotty is 11 and Bryce is 15? Chaos? a massacre?

Counseling. LOL Only about 20 bajillion times. Together, just him, just ME - I have taken meds myself, tried to cover the issues that bother ME even to try and help him. I have read book after book, tried ADHD meds with him when he was younger, he had a counselor at school, we have had private counselors as well. Nothing has helped. Even when I am calm and try to just talk to him, it doesn't work. Bryce has some innate issues due to the ADHD and anxiety and he already has issues with abandonment from when his dad left.

Truly, Tae-kwan-do has helped more than any "therapy" we have ever tried.

Thanks for your thoughts. Please keep them coming. It is giving me lots to think about.
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  #8  
May 1st, 2009, 10:51 AM
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I was there this past late summer/early fall.. Noah was this close to leaving. he still has his moments were I'd like to ship him off..but in reality that's the easy way out for me.

Noah still at almost 15 comes home from anything more than a day away with a tude..it takes days to unwind and get back to normal..and here's a little secret..so do my other 3 who have both their mom and dad at home and always have. It's kids..it can be very hard to deal with..but it's kids..we've been home from vacation for 5 days and my 3 littles are still not back to normal.

I am sorry your going thru this, but ultimately only you can make this decision..for us the decision to keep Noah home was actually harder than to ship him off..once I realized that I knew it was not an option for us..it was too "easy" ( but not at all easy)..we made te decision instead to send him back to school..which has had it's major ups and downs and has not eliminated the crap altogether. Sending him back to school did eliminate the day in and day out frustrations of him picking at his siblings, making use miserable..now that'd confined to a few hours at night a few nights a week ( he has karate and youth group ) and on the weekends..
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  #9  
May 1st, 2009, 11:58 AM
~InHisHands~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You know, we went through this EXACT same thing with Austin in the past few years & thankfully things are so much better now (he just turned 13). We do still have our days though... trust me, they are NOT fun. He used to cry all the time about missing his dad too but in our situation his dad isn't in the picture & we can't contact him even if we wanted to so Austin was forced to deal with it. I just wanted to you know that I understand what you are going through & I'll say a prayer for you!
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  #10  
May 1st, 2009, 02:48 PM
~hsingtreehouse~
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Thank you! Prayers are greatly appreciated.

I decided to call the psychiatry center today and I made an appointment for Bryce. It came on the recommendation of a friend who works at the center. I have had some bad experiences with therapists before and I am definitely leery to go into this kind of thing again. However, something is going to have to change around here. Something has got to give. KWIM?

Thank you all for listening today and giving me your thoughts. I love and respect all of you and truly appreciate them. (((hugs)))
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  #11  
May 1st, 2009, 06:33 PM
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I know that call is hard I've been dragging my feet with it too. Therapy is a hit or miss thing, investigate the kinds of therapy that are known to help his DX. The therapist you'll want specializes in children, his DX AND the type of therapy you want him to have. Get him reevaluated meds wont help if it's to treat something he is misdiagnosed with and it takes years to get it right some times. Best of luck keep us updated.

ETA: is there any was he can take more then one Tae-kwan-do class?
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Last edited by lpimentel; May 1st, 2009 at 06:35 PM.
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  #12  
May 2nd, 2009, 04:40 AM
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Sence he likes Tae-kwan-do, maybe you can also enroll him into s Ti Chi class? It is suppost to develope self decipline, respect, self esteem and have a very calming effect. You can say its to enhance his Tae Kwann skills. I have heard very good things about it for kids w/ ADHD.
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  #13  
May 2nd, 2009, 09:54 PM
~hsingtreehouse~
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I wish we had such resources around here. Of course, I drive an hour for Tae kwan do, so I suppose I could look in surrounding areas as well. Thanks for the idea.

Lisa - Misdiagnosis is huge. I know Bryce has some ADHD, but I don't think that is all he suffers from. Right now, I won't medicate him because I see no change in his ability to learn. I fear that medication will be a crutch for him and he will use it to "get by" and never learn how to cope with his issues himself. His dad has ADHD and is now a very successful business man. Bryce can do something great, I know he can...it is just a matter of channeling all of that energy and using it for good! LOL
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  #14  
May 3rd, 2009, 10:05 AM
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The way that I look at it for my family coping may be very slowly learning how to be on as little medication as possible hopefully none, or very little, but I know at times, life may require more medication than other times just like any other chronic illness. Also do not try medication until you are working with someone you trust because you will trust the recommendation a lot more, even if it take a year. If your insurance covers it look into a neurologist so they may be able to "show"/ MRI how his brain differs form others to make a more accurate DX and hopefully skip trial and error.

Best of luck
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  #15  
May 4th, 2009, 11:08 AM
~hsingtreehouse~
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We did the neuroligist thing when he was 4. They REFUSED to do the MRI and wanted to put him on a blood pressure patch (for behavior, not blood pressure). Needless to say, we didn't go back. LOL
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  #16  
May 4th, 2009, 12:20 PM
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That's weird. I hope that you are able to find dr.'s that will listen to you and Bruce so that you can get the help your family needs. You may have more luck with a developmental pediatrition. (sp?)
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  #17  
May 6th, 2009, 03:02 AM
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That must be so hard. *Hugs*
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  #18  
May 8th, 2009, 09:11 PM
MissyPrincessEha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It is so hard to have a child who can go off and have fun with dad at his house and then have to live in the main household with mom where he is really made to do right and it isn't a vacation everyday he is there. I have friends who deal with this...it is hard.

When you were talking I thought of Alison. It is tough! Hang in there...we support you!
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