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How to deal with my mother


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  #2  
September 6th, 2007, 07:58 PM
joandsarah77's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Australia
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You poor thing. I really feel for you, that must make life so hard.

Do you mind me asking if your a young mum? because it really sounds like your mum isn't seeing you as a grown up but still as an extension of herself ya know. I don't want to offend you, but a few of the statements you gave give me a clue that you haven’t taken control of your life as an adult when it comes to your mother. I know it's not easy to do! Mothers can have this power to control and make us feel powerless, but you have to take it back.

Quote:
my mom is a very smart person[/b]
maybe bookwise she is, but what she is doing is showing no common sense. She is hurting herself, you and your children by that kind of behaviour.
Quote:
my mom is making me feel like my dd is the dumbest(academically wise) 5 y/o she knows of.[/b]
Very wrong.
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I have just started with the homeschooling and already she wants to take over[/b]
Also wrong.

This is were you need to draw a line in the sand. You need to tell and show her that you and your dh are in control of all the decisions pertaining to your family.

Quote:
Much to my fault I have never kept a strict schedule with her[/b]
No it is not your 'fault' schedules strict or otherwise work great for some people and bad for others. There is nothing inherently correct in having or not having one. You know your child best, you do what is best for them and for you.
Quote:
didnt work with her as much as I should have[/b]
Again there is no must or should haves. Your child is 5, not 12. There is nothing right or wrong with the amount of instruction given at 5.

Quote:
So needless to say my mom has never supported us with our homeschooling decision which is fine.[/b]
yes you can not make someone supportive, but I understand the wish. Part of drawing a boundary is to enforce the rule that she does not speak negatively about your choice to homeschool. Homeschooling can be a daunting thing and you need supportive people around you, not ones who will bring you down. If things are said which your daughter might hear that is particularly detrimental. Grandma must keep her options to herself and only be encouraging towards your daughter. if she breaks that agreement and It was me and I was at her house I would leave. if she was at my house I would tell her to leave. yes her feelings might be hurt, but which is more important her feelings or your daughters? She is a grown women she can learn to control herself if she knows you mean it.

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Now she wont leave me alone about what I am teaching, the way I am teaching it[/b]
Again you have to tell her this is not up for discution and mean it.
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I must be in the wrong because she makes me feel that way.[/b]
Ah no. She is overstepping her boundaries as a mother.

Quote:
Plus she is already wanting to take Jaidens places with her for the day on what are our school days. How much of a schedule to you stick to and do you stick to it no matter what?[/b]
I don't see this as a schedule problem but rather that until you know she wont say things, such as dropping little hints to your daughter to make her think ps is better I would not let her go anywhere with her. If she was a supportive grandma I would say great! Getting out and seeing things is learning, just a different kind and all kinds mixed together make for a well balanced education.

Hope I wasn't too blunt, guess us Aussies can be that way.
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  #3  
September 6th, 2007, 08:01 PM
ragmama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Southern VA
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I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with your mom. It's so hard when your close family doesn't support your decision to homeschool. I know it wouldn't be easy, but it might do the most good (for the long run) to sit mom down and have a talk with her. Explain your reasons for homeschooling, how great it's been so far, give her a rundown of the progress that Jaiden has made. If your mom really wants to be involved and can be so with a less judgmental attitude...maybe give her an "area of expertise" that she can work on? You know, pick a subject that isn't your strong point (or that you don't particularly like) and let her handle it until she gets tired of it and moves on... Or, does Jaiden do anything 'extracurricular' - dance, sport, playgroup, etc. - that your mom could take her to? Of course, all of those just depend on your comfort level and how willing she is to cut out the nonsense.

As far as her wanting to take Jaiden on "school days" ... well, that's really up to you. Is she trying to do this on EVERY scheduled 'school day', and KNOWING that she's messing up your homeschool plans? Or do they just work out that way? If she's not trying to be malicious, maybe let Jaiden go along on the outings you know she'll enjoy and/or will be beneficial to her. Don't feel like you have to let her to go every time, especially if you have something special planned for that day yourself. I'm just thinking that maybe some "grandma time" would chill your mom out a little...?

Best of luck to you!!
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  #5  
September 6th, 2007, 10:29 PM
joandsarah77's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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That's ok, you’re not bothering us, vent or ask away. Sounds like your mum has some issues then. But I would still be making the boundaries known because at the moment it doesn't sound like she respects your decisions.
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  #6  
September 7th, 2007, 05:00 AM
Butter's Avatar Heather the Mama Duk
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Oh, goodness, your mother has issues! You are 34?!?! You are a grown woman and your mother needs to respect you as a woman and as a mother. She needs to realize that you can and will make choices that are different from what she might make and she needs to get over it. I totally agree with what Jo said. Somehow you need to put your foot down and politely yet very firmly tell your mom to butt out. And fast before your little girl picks up on her grandmother thinking she is "dumb." The poor child!
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  #7  
September 7th, 2007, 06:11 AM
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As far as the outings/days off go, if it were me I would say something like "sorry we have school during the week from ?a.m. to ?p.m, but we are planning a day off for Thursday next week. Why don't you take her then?" And repeat that everytime she wants to spontaneously take your daughter somewhere for the day. She'll eventually get the idea.
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  #8  
September 7th, 2007, 06:20 AM
grunig's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First you are not bothering us. That is what this board is here for, support. Sounds like you could use a lot of that right now. Jo had a lot of good points.

My mom sounds a lot like yours, but not to the extreme yours is. I think that may only be bc I did have to draw the line in the sand a few years back. It will hurt but you are just going to have to put it to her bluntly, and sternly that this is your child, not hers. You sound like you are doing a great job with her. And might I ask why you think she is behind? What do you feel she should know at this age that she doesn't? We might be able to shed some light on that subject for you and put your mind at ease. Not all kids learn at the same rate and as you said she is comparing her to kids who have had all types of exposure. She is only seeing the academic side of that exposure not all the negative things they pick up, but that is another post. As for schedules I didn't have one in kindergarten. I had a loose one that I tried to follow which was basically just starting our work by a certain time each day. Anyway vent away and ask anything you want. We will be here for you.
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  #9  
September 7th, 2007, 06:28 AM
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I agree with the other ladies!!! I just want to offer my support and a (((HUGS)))!! It's rough when a family member doesn't agree. My MIL doesn't and she throws in her snide comments. It all comes down to standing up for what you believe in and like the other ladies said drawing that line in the sand.
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  #10  
September 7th, 2007, 08:03 AM
jhmomofmany's Avatar Look! A Dancing Banana!
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I can't add to the excellent advice you've been given, either. Everyone has already said what I would say. I just want to say I'm sorry your mom is being this way, and I hope you find the right way to deal with her.
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  #11  
September 7th, 2007, 10:20 AM
Jenneve's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree with what everyone else has said. It really sounds to me like your mom has control issues. I have a sister like that. She just can't let go and let her dd's make their own decisions, even though one of them is already grown. I know it must be rough. {{{HUGS}}} The ladies here are a great support system!
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  #12  
September 7th, 2007, 10:39 AM
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I totally know where you are coming from, only my problem is with my MIL. If it were with my mom I have no problems telling her off, but with a MIL it is harder to know just how far to go. It drives me crazy! So many times I really think I would benefit from moving FAR away or out of state. She asks me why my DD isn't in preschool, how come she is always "home with me?" Like it drives her crazy that DD and I spend a lot of time at home, like it is this huge, awful bad thing. What is wrong with a 3 year old being with her mom and learning at home?? Then she gets frustrated with me that I don't have DD in singing and dance, etc. etc. Like she needs 5 different activities like her cousin does. UGH!

It is really hard to have family question you and question everything you do. It is something I am having to deal with as well and I know just where you are coming from. My DD is actually ahead and for me I wish MIL would see that we are doing a good job, but she doesn't. She still looks at everything we are doing wrong and the fact that she will be "weird and unsocialized". I think you need to stand up to your mom. It is hard, but you have got to. I know it isn't easy because I have a hard time standing up to my MIL. I usually just try to keep the peace. When DD is older and really going head first into homeschool I will not be able to put up with much guff and I will have to be more firm about it with MIL. So anyway, I know it is hard, stand strong and have confidence in yourself, in your decisions and don't let your mom think she can make those very important decisions for your family.
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  #13  
September 7th, 2007, 03:05 PM
Shery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi,
I can completely understand how you would want your moms support in this while not wanting her to try and take over. You have every right to want to be the one doing the teaching to your child.
As for wanting to keep some sort of rountine...I UNDERSTAND. While homeschooling does afford us some flexibility, we still have a schedule to stick to and things that need to be accomplished in a day/week/month/year! You are NOT being a stick in the mud to want to stick to that!
I hope you find a solution that works for everyone. While you could just come out and tell your mom to stay out of it, I also know that isn't what you want to do. I know that you want a resolution that will bring peace to everyone. I really hope you find one......we are always here to vent to or to throw ideas around with...always!!!
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