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Advice when DH is not 100% on board? :(


Forum: Pregnancy Over 35

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  #1  
January 3rd, 2012, 02:11 PM
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Hi All
Im hoping some or many of you can offer me some advice, personal experiences, etc.
Im 35 and married for 3 yrs.,WE have been together 7 years. We have discussed kids and always said we did not want them. HOWEVER, I have changed my mind. I have been feeling this way for about a year but over last two months have truly come to terms with the fact that I want to be a mother.
Now I told DH this last month and he was thrown for a loop! He is trying to be supportive and not immediately say NO, but he is not ready to say yes yet, and not sure if he ever will be.

He keeps saying that he has always been NO and now needs to take time to rethink everything.
I really do think he will eventually come around but then again im not 100% certain.
Now the other thing is I have been on depo for years, im due for my next shot at the end of next month which I will not get. and of course, I want to start trying right away to conceive.

I have found several threads that say it can take anywhere from 1 to 18+months to conceive after depo so i dont want to wait as Im 35 now, so it "could" take us til im 37 to conceive and maybe 38 to deliver.

I guess my hardest thing is that DH still hasn't said he wants to have children yet, and everytime i bring it up he says he doesn't want to feel pressured and that this is a huge decision and one he will need to get to on his own...............which i understand.

but its just hard for me as ALL I WANT TO DO IS TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i want to start taking fertilaid, drinking fertitea, reading books, etcetc etc!

help, any suggestions on what i can do =
i know i just need to give him some time but patience is not one of my strong suits!!
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  #2  
January 3rd, 2012, 02:57 PM
NYCgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland
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It sounds good that you are able to talk about it with your DH even a little. I would stop all birth control and let your body regulate its cycle. These will be time to talk about it more. Men need time to go over things for a while. Start with you now. Stop your bc start taking prenatal vitamins and some folic acid. Get your body in a really healthy place. It is not too late for you and your DH.

Be nice and clear with what you really want. Then let it go and tell him you are going to let him have a good long think about it, but you do home to talk about it in a few months time.

Pick up this book:

Amazon.com: TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR FERTILITY: THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO NATURAL BIRTH CONTROL, PREGNANCY ACHIEVEMENT AND REPRODUCTIVE WEALTH (9780091887582): TONI WESCHLER: Books

When you come off bc the book helps you pay attention to your own body and will help when the time comes to ttc.

Best of Luck to you! Hope to see you on this board in a few months!
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  #3  
January 3rd, 2012, 04:21 PM
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Thanks Kelly !!
your response means a lot. I will TRY SO HARD to give him some time, its just tough because all i want to do is talk about it, BUT you are right and I know I need to give it time.

I did buy Taking Charge of Your Fertility and it just arrived today from amazon!
I did a lot of reading and highlighting already!! thanks
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  #4  
January 3rd, 2012, 05:24 PM
suzanneyea's Avatar Super Mommy
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Why does he not want children? Why did you not want children before?
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  #5  
January 3rd, 2012, 08:23 PM
Raven_Haired_Mama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,245
When I met my DH I already had a son. He was totally on board for number 2. When my second son was about 2 or 3 I got baby fever bad. DH said we were done. Over the next four years I would want another one on and off. I always talked to him about it. He never wavered. Then one day at the beginning of the summer We almost had an oops. When I was not pregnant I was very upset. He said we could try. I was in shock but jumped at it. It only took one cycle. It kind of happened before either of us could think it through lol. But here we are at 22 weeks with what I now agree will be our last. We thought it might take a while being I was 37 now 38.

I hope your DH comes around soon!!!
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  #6  
January 4th, 2012, 05:47 AM
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I did not want children before for lots of reasons, I was terrified of having a toddler screaming and having temper tantrums, i was terrified of having a teenager that comes home one day and says "f you", i didn't think i could handle it. then after talking to many people and seeing/observing MANY families i realized that not all kids are bad, and its truly in the way you raise them.
I thought you had no control over kids behaving badly and that they "could" be horrible no matter how good of a parent you are (and that truly scared me).
But now, from what I have seen, I believe that they are a product of their environment and being a good parent and teaching them love, respect, etc etc makes them what they become.........

and now All I want so badly is to be a mother and make a family with me DH
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  #7  
January 4th, 2012, 01:53 PM
NYCgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: Dublin, Ireland
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Just a little FYI though ALL kids (even from great parents, are Out of CONTROL and they SCREAM at times). lol Its the good ones who hide it well. lol Or at least leave a public place BEFORE the meltdown. I am just being silly here.

It sounds like you are going to be a great mother! It is wonderful that you are educating yourself as much as possible, talking to people and reading different ideas, it all really helps with the stressful side of parenthood. Everyone has something to say on how to do it. Read as much as you can and pick and choose what works for you.

(don't tell your DH but here: )
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  #8  
January 4th, 2012, 02:01 PM
*SamF*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think the other ladies have already given some great advice, but I just wanted to add, if he doesn't come around in a time frame you are thinking is reasonable (and it is about what you feel too) have you thought of counseling? It's a way to get both your feelings out there, in a neutral environment and come to a mutual decision.

I say this only because the whole child issue was a big one in my previous marriage. I wanted children badly, he would agree then back out at the last minute (we were going to require donor sperm or adopt). It wasn't by any means our only issue but it was a big one.
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  #9  
January 4th, 2012, 03:20 PM
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yes i have considered couseling and will go if needed. I know he'll go too if I ask. Thanks for baby dust............wont say a thing!!!
Im going to try to go at least 2 full days without saying anything. maybe i'll try to get to the weekend.
I mean we can't even start trying til end of next month - you would think I could relax a bit~! lol
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  #10  
January 6th, 2012, 10:35 AM
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Ok so DH and I are talking more and more about having a baby! YAY! One of his big concerns he brought up last night was having a baby with Down Syndrome, I am 35 and he is 37. He said he would want an amniocentesis and whatever tests we could get to see how the baby is.............
what are all your thoughts of Down sydrome and other potential birth defects because of our "age"????
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  #11  
January 7th, 2012, 12:11 AM
OatmealKisses's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by readyforbaby76 View Post
I did not want children before for lots of reasons, I was terrified of having a toddler screaming and having temper tantrums, i was terrified of having a teenager that comes home one day and says "f you", i didn't think i could handle it. then after talking to many people and seeing/observing MANY families i realized that not all kids are bad, and its truly in the way you raise them.
Some of those things may or may not happen anyway. Toddler temper tantrums? Yeah, that one is gonna happen. Can't avoid it.
The teenager coming home and saying "F, you mom." May or may not happen. THAT part is most certainly how you raise them. I have never swore at my parents. I never even swore **in front of** my parents until a year ago. I'm 25. I have never been a potty mouth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by readyforbaby76 View Post
I thought you had no control over kids behaving badly and that they "could" be horrible no matter how good of a parent you are (and that truly scared me).
But now, from what I have seen, I believe that they are a product of their environment and being a good parent and teaching them love, respect, etc etc makes them what they become.........
It's both genetic and environment. Your children will inherit some of your personality and/or your husband's personality. Other things they will just learn from living with the two of you.

Most parents would admit that they are still afraid of the things you are afraid of. I am! I spent the last several months of my pregnancy worrying that I wouldn't make a good mommy. My son was planned and very much wanted by us both. The responsibilty scares me the most. I'm 100% responsible for a human life for the rest of my life. That's scary as hell!

I had a hard pregnancy and a colicy, gassy baby that never sleeps. I always slept 12 hours a day before having him. I still wouldn't take it all back for anything.

Life is never dull, never boring, when you have kids. They are constantly moving from one stage to another at WAY too fast a speed. I want him to stay little forever, and part of me can't wait for all the stuff we can do together when he's older.

I packed up his size 0 shoes today and wanted to cry because I knew he would never he that little ever again. Even these tendar moments are worth it. If I never had a baby, I would never had those little shoes to cry about to begin with. This whole stage of my life would have been void. I can't imagine not having him.
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  #12  
January 7th, 2012, 05:05 AM
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Hi there and thank you for your response. I just noticed you use cloth diapers. how does that work?
Another thing hubby mentioned is his worries of having kids in finances and the costs. He mentioned that formula is VERY expensive and then there's diapers.
So when i saw that you use cloth diapers i was interested......please give me more information.
Also, im hopeful i could breastfeed and avoid formula for cost reasons, how realistic is that?
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  #13  
January 7th, 2012, 12:52 PM
OatmealKisses's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I really REALLY wanted to breastfeed, but I had latch issues with my son and there are no lactation specialists within 4 hours of here. We live in a VERY rural area! With any baby I have after this I will breastfeed and see a lactation specialist.

One thing I do to save on formula is buy it on ebay from people that have babies that outgrew it. I pay 50-70 cents an oz for name brand enfamil powder that way. I also buy formula checks in bulk off ebay and go into the grocery store with all of them and pay a only 50 cents to a few dollars total, plus the cost of the checks. I signed all my relatives, and their pets, up for every formula compancy's loyality club and they send out tons of formula checks. Than my relatives send me the checks they get and the free samples from the different companies. I sell off the checks I'm not going to use. I don't just do it for formula, I sign up for gerber, pampers, luvs, huggies, Nuk, lansinoh, medula, carters, babies r us, osh kosh, baby gap....anything that makes baby stuff. I keep what I'm going to use and sell everything else off on ebay, or give it away to people I meet that have babies and are struggling with money. Than I put the money in my paypal towards buying more formula on ebay.

There is TONS to know about cloth diapers. I suggest signing up with Cloth Diapers & Parenting Community - DiaperSwappers.com and there is a section on this forum for cloth. I really enjoy cloth. I could probably afford disposibles but I still wouldn't use them. Too many chemicals, over-priced, not cute to look at at all, horrible for the environment, and almost no variety or options just to name a few things.

If you were going to try cloth I would recommend renting a package of them from a diaper service or cloth diaper store. That way you can try out cloth without having to invest in the full upfront cost. If you have any other questions just ask
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  #14  
January 10th, 2012, 06:01 PM
Isabelle's Avatar 3 Princes & 1 Princess
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Hugs. I hope he comes around. We started our family at age 36...and went on to have 4 amazing children. I just had my daughter at age 42.

We were together for over 6 years, I wanted my tubes tide at age 21 but I didn't. I never, ever, EVER wanted children. Then at age 35 something just changed...fortunately it changed for both of us and 2 months later I was pregnant.

I hope it all works out for you sweetie.
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  #15  
February 17th, 2012, 04:12 PM
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Isabelle, thank you for your input, Im glad to hear your story and that you started your family at 36 and went on to have 4 children! yay!
thank you and wish me luck, I think he's getting there but right now i have been asked to "not bring it up" and let him think - so its not easy. at least i have here to vent to
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  #16  
February 22nd, 2012, 08:01 AM
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My DH and I were "best friends" for 5 years before we started dating (we worked together). I am 41 and have 2 daughters (20 yrs & 18 yrs) and I swore I didn't want more children. My DH had never had children and was pretty sure he didn't want any either.

Well after being together for a little while I started really wanting to have a baby with HIM. I couldn't imagine him not being a father. We talked about having a baby, but he wasn't 100% sure he wanted one. He liked our life the way it was. We agreed to talk about it and see how we felt.....about 4 months went by of us just talking about "what if" and imagining our life with a baby. He said that he started seeing babies differently and then our friends became pregnant and we both agreed to try.....I was pregnant right away

At first DH was nervous about all of the things that could go wrong (we did CVS testing, which is like amnio, but easier) because we have very strong opinions about the outcome. We were very lucky that everything is perfect, even though we are both in our 40's.

Now that we are more than 1/2 way done he is so in love with his daughter and can't wait to meet her.

I guess my advice is that it is a process for most men to go from not thinking they will have a baby to being ready for one. Be sure you listen to his fears about children and don't put them down or make light of them. He might have some very valid reasons and he might need to see for himself that things can be great when you add a baby.

Good luck and I hope that you both get to the same "baby" place
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  #17  
April 18th, 2012, 12:16 PM
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Hi All
Just wanted to post an update, DH is READY!!!!!!!!! he is 100% on board with having a baby and I'm so excited!
So much so that he was having his home office painted and decided to have the "baby room" (as we call it) painted too! YAY

Now, i just need to get pregnant! I was on depo provera for several yrs so it could take some time for me to get there.
Now im trying to be "patient" with waiting for a BFP!

All is good time right???

Anyway, thanks all for the support to date, im halfway there!! YAY
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  #18  
April 18th, 2012, 03:34 PM
*treefrog*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Congrats! I wish you both the best...Get baby dancing BABY DUST to you!
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  #19  
April 23rd, 2012, 08:03 AM
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Congrats!!! You'll probably get preggers right away! You're the most fertile right after going off of birth control. I had gotten off the pill after being on it for about 10 years. Me and DH decided we were ready so I was thinking it would take at least a year and I was pregnant with twins the next month! I was 35! Unfortunately I miscarried, but got preggers again at 37 and delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl. I'm preggers again with boy at 43 due in July!
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  #20  
April 29th, 2012, 04:03 PM
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Good luck with everything and I hope that all works out for you. I was on depo for many years. Got my last shot March 2011 so was due for another June 2011. It took me maybe 3 months to start having a regular period again and we conceived in February this year. I'm now 35 and 10 weeks 5 days
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